The Darkness of Light

Oh My Gay

2007-11-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Has Bravo finally realized that gay men love the fashion?!? Only one str8 man, well maybe two as part of the new season four cast? The thing I love is after you remove the dress maker / fashion designer stereotype (which is admittedly a big one) I love that each one of these boiz are unique and a different part of the family. I love too that Bravo continues to feed us granola female fluff. NASA should interview a few of these ladies; "How do you feel about becoming a space cadet?" I will enjoy watching them fall apart over the next several months. Ha! Wisely they choose to keep the nuttiest one for at least another week.

Oh and... anytime you want to show Jack getting out of bed is OK with me, well all I'm saying is you could easily make a half hour show and I know men that would pay to watch that and only that, OMG. Two words Yum ee.

Coming to a polling place near you

2007-11-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

Cast Your Ballot

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T02:22:00.000-05:00

Christmas is here again.

Many of the traditions from years past continue and new one, presumably, have begun. 'A Jewish Christmas', which basically consists of going out for Chinese on Christmas Eve, was given a twist this year. This time we ate at a Thai place in Oak Park. Personally I prefer Thai anyway so I'm cool with it and the bonus was the owner of this Thai restaurant is gay so I may have found a new place to patronize.

Midnight mass at the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament was celebrated by the Cardinal. A good friend of mine was going so I figured why the hell not. The music was great though the acoustics didn't seem to be good for much else. Not that the Cardinal's homily was worth hearing anyway more a collection of the good archbishop's greatest hits than anything stirring, insightful or worth referencing in future text. I did like one small part wherein the homophobe himself used the analogy of Christmas and wanting and the wanting of acceptance and community. Maybe one day he'll listen to his own words.

Presents tomorrow at Nana & Papa's followed by who knows what. Good times.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a good night.

Holiday Wishes

2006-12-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

Glen Ellen Weekend

2006-12-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

Wa woo. I'm going to spend the weekend in Glen Ellen. How about you?

Life, The World & Everything Thereafter

2006-12-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

I've had the opportunity to do quite a bit of reflection lately. My primary focus has been in general - life - though more importantly the imprint we leave on the world through our living and what we leave behind with others; in not only the daily impression we place upon others with our interactions, but in the things we leave behind.

How we conduct ourselves when we deal with others has a lasting impact far after we have moved on to other things. At our jobs and with our personal relationships how we react to others and how we treat those around us can make our lives better or worse and the same for them. Most basically it can determine if we are hired, if we keep our jobs or if we are the one of a dozen candidates chosen for promotion. The same is true with relationships, if we get into, keep and grow relationships with others can be greatly affected by sometimes even the most subtle of our actions. How we are remembered even after years can be affected by our actions of one short moment.

Now more than ever the reverberations of our existence can stay with us even after death. Even before stumbling across a myspace profile of a now dead, gay man I had already begun to think more than mere passing thought should be put into what we put into the public domain. Would you be embarrassed if someone you loved came across your profile after you had died? It isn't within our power to know when we might pass and though not likely to happen for many years to come it could just as likely be this hour.

To that end I hope to begin anew. Live every day to it's fullest and as if it were the last, leaving nothing unsaid that should have been said nothing undone that could have been complete. Leading with my best foot forward, hoping for the best impression to be left behind and leaving this world better than when I found it.

Ambitious I know and I will not always succeed, to be certain, but it is a goal, after all if we aim at nothing we will hit it.

From Zero to Angry in Record Time

2006-12-06T18:56:00.000-05:00

I got my pee-pee slapped today at work. It seems that, and by seems I mean it actually happened, I offended one of my co-workers with a rather curt response. In my defense it was the third time in as many weeks I was asked to forward some information. And for the third time in response to the request I stated that the information did not exist. However this time for added measure I followed that up with "WHAT PART OF 'IT DOESN'T EXIST' DON'T YOU GET?!?" Needless to say it wasn't to long after that my boss was asking me about the very issue and requesting that I send the requisite information to the plant. Before I could even foment a response that was followed up with a goodly reminder that they were in the process of letting people go and I need not help them in the decision making process more.

Now I will admit that I should be more politic about what I say and how I react and I want to defend myself with a long list of things that would most definitely include "I hate stupid people" but I won't because the truth is that it is a fact of life that there will always be stupid people and they will always be in the way, and unfortunately they out number the rest of us, which gives them a certain amount of power and control. If I don't learn to deal with 'em I will never get ahead.

I honestly think that of late I have been better at how I handle most situations it's just that when I do react I do so which lightning quick speed and equal voracity.

It is something that I need to work on and recognize that my fate is tied to my ability to adjust my temperament. There is plenty that I could write about on this and probably will but for now I have other pressing matters.

Until next time.

Quote of the Week

2006-12-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Maybe a bit too much with the religious references, just replace God with Cosmic Muffin if that helps ya. Do whatever it takes...

A Christmas Explotion

2006-12-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

Started putting up my Christmas tree today but half way through realize the lights I had would be insufficient and was only able to get half the tree put up, because as any good faux tree built and put together knows the lights should go on as you build the tree, and the lights should go on before ya do the lights which of course means we facing a delay of game. In the mean time I have branches and tree parts and boxes of ornaments though out the living room. And with the tree taking up the little remaining room in the house I'm really pushing it.

Of course things would be easier if I didn't have a POS entrainment center that was half falling apart half weighing a ton that got in the way. Add that to my list of things ya'll can buy for me. And a new Aquos. Any takers?!?

Serenity Now, Serenity Now!

2006-12-02T00:40:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep. Haven't been able to sleep for weeks now. I max out at about 4-plus hours per night. Everything that I've tried to do just isn't working. Extra long sessions at the gym just make me fatigued but not tired. The strongest sedative that I have is Tylenol PM, which still doesn't seem to do much and is probably not the brightest thing to take after midnight if I want to function in the AM. Not that I have ever been a morning person anyway but really I probably need to start thinking about taking something at an earlier hour. Genius don't cha think? Alcohol is a decent sedative, for most people, but lets be honest me and a stiff drink equal many things, sleepy is not one of them. Actually it has been almost two months since I've really tied one on and God willing it will have been the last. Like much of the rest of my ill spent youth that belongs to days gone by.

Since I'm in a letting go kind of a mind there are some other items in my personal inventory that I would like to get rid of. This may be a touch unconventional, or not, but writing has always been my thing so here goes. Fuck You. You want me to be happy? Fuck you. You love me? Fuck you, you lying shithead. I was happy. I was in the best place I had ever been, I was finally pushing through some of my greatest insecurities stepping further out onto the limb than I had ever done before and for that I got you. You were keenly aware of my precarious situation and instead of assisting you shook the tree. Of course not before you got what you needed but then that's always been part of your nature too hasn't it? Well thanks and fuck you. I loved you. I still do. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. When I think about the good times I smile. When I think about the bad times I don't think about the shitty things you did, how you messed with my mind, lied to me and played on my weaknesses. I don't reflect on how I knew long before the end how this would finish. I only remember how I got played for the fool. I do remember how every instinct in my being told me you were the one and how it made my heart flutter and my skin tingle. I remember I was wrong.

So what comes of it? I don't trust. I don't trust you, others or myself. I don't believe in others. Everyone have ulterior motives. Everyone are selfish. I won't make those mistakes again, I'll guarantee you that. Thanks. You made me stronger!?! Fuck you.

Why now you may ask. Maybe because I have recognized that I have not completely let go; because I've realized that I still carry a lot of shit around with me and I want to check that bag. I have thought that this was over but every time I see something that reminds me of you the first thing that strikes me is how even when you were 'here' you were somewhere else. My heart drops and my stomache flips. Maybe because I know I need to be able to move on and when the Right guy comes around I want to be ready for him. I don't want to miss out on one more thing because of how you affect me.

It is going to take a long time to get my trust back. I just hope that I do.

I'll admit and you know that I too bare some responsibility, but I do not and will not shoulder the full burden. I'm doing what I can and I'll move on. My life will someday be everything that I've imagined and more, then you will have lost out. We could have had a life together it's too bad we'll never know what could have been.

Wow that feels better... I'm not angry, just a little sad. This too shall pass.

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke

until then, know that you're loved,

D

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown

Snow or Sun

2006-12-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

I was this close to getting on a plane this afternoon to spend the weekend in Glen Ellen. It was a slow afternoon and fiddling around on line and just decided to check on flights to SFO. Unfortunately the only affordable flights didn't get me there until well past mid-night and Northwest's only direct flight (for that matter the only direct flight period) was pushing a grand. Still it was a nice idea and I'll probably check on a regular basis and will probably find myself gaunting off to San Francisco sooner than I think. I've gotten pretty use to the red-eye flight home and love the fact that I can leave work after a full day on Friday spend the weekend in wine-country and be back to work Monday morning. I just need to plan ahead, but spur of the moment just has something about it. Anyone out there wanna buy my ticket?

(Product ) RED

2006-12-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

I've finally upgraded my phone and did a good thing in the process. My previous phone was old
but it still worked, mostly. Even I was getting tired of others telling me to speak up even when I was practically screaming into the mic. My new Razor should hopefully work for the foreseeable future. Plus it's the (RED) Razor so theoretically I made a small contribution to help reduce AIDS in Africa. I'd be interested to see what kind of proceeds result from this project, even if it does end up being a small amount it is better than nothing I suppose.

One minor technicality is given the way my old phone stored information, in particular text messages I've realized that I lost the numbers of a few people. Not too many but one or two that I never called but did text on occasion. Hopefully I'll get a message some day and can reprogram things. Otherwise, Oops sorry!

'til next time...

World AIDS Day

2006-11-30T22:58:00.000-05:00

When it's good to be Red

2006-11-28T23:56:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to bring to your attention the new Red, which is actually acceptable particullarly if you're Blue. It's a new twist on an old idea, it's not a charity it's a business model, they are just being up front about it. Let's hope they are able to make a difference.

I'm glad that there has been so much focus on AIDS in Africa lately. Americans always seem to feel that if it isn't happening in their backyard it doesn't affect them. The sad truth is today that what happens halfway around the world does have an impact on each and every one of us. It may not be as immediate as something that can be witnessed as it occurs but fact is eventually what is happening in Africa will come-back to haunt us. I am sure there are those that could care less about Africa because of the people there are African and again that vision and appathy is greatly short sighted. Aside from the shear inhumanity of doing nothing is the fact that someday this epidemic will almost certainly reach a size that simply cannot be contained. Their will be no cure, there can only be a vaxcine and what will be the cost to vaxcinate 7 billion people? What will it take to open peoples eyes? What amount of loss will need to be suffered before we are spurned to action and will it be too late?

Take my factory, please...

2006-11-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, that one of the Big Three will not be within the coming 5 years. I may be overly pessimistic, and I certainly hope I am wrong but I am not optimistic. Today Ford announced it would leverage its assets as collateral for an 18 billion dollar loan. Do you understand the magnitude of that loan?!? Not only in the amount by cash but in the degree of risk? I shutter to think what will happen if things turn more sour, as if that is possible. One question however, if Ford cannot sell-off some of its facilities now, why would anyone want them for collateral?

At the same time tonight is the deadline for eligible employees of Ford to accept buy-outs. The hope is sufficient numbers will leave the payroll to at least eliminate the jobs bank, and allow for future plant closures without the usual pain. Of course tomorrow begins the lay-offs to make up the difference if enough haven't decided to leave. I know there will be lay-offs at my office this week, I think I will be OK, but you never know.

It's a great time to work in the auto industry.

Restricted

2006-11-25T23:03:00.001-05:00

Restricted, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

Spent the afternoon taking photos of the city. I was initially reluctant but once I got into the swing of things I really enjoyed myself. Having a tripod really helps capture better pictures, especially at dusk. Driving there I kept thinking that I just needed to not worry what others might think or say and just take the photos. Ironically when I got to the Michigan Central Station I realized crowds wouldn't be my problem. With the exception of a hand ful of homeless wandering around I was by myself, which of course made me feel just as awkward albeit for entirely different reasons.

The beauty and grandeur of the old building amid the neglect and decay that is Detroit is so sad. I hope that I can capture many more buildings from many more angles.

Fotografia

2006-11-24T18:30:00.000-05:00

I got a new tripod today and am eagerly looking forward to using it. I've tried a couple of times to take pictures at dusk and dawn but the vast majority end up blurry 'cause I cannot hold the camera that steady. Now my only issue will being able to let go of being self conscience when I go out to take photos. I can't explain it I just feel like everyone is paying attention to me when I have a camera in my hands. The interesting part is that I also feel like I enjoy having my camera because it allows me to hide behind it. I know it doesn't make sense, I know; it's just who I is...

I could just play the "pro" angle, after all I wouldn't mind being able to make some money from this in the long run, so I may as well act the part. Or I could just not worry about what others think. HA wouldn't that be great!

Anyway.

Until next time, know that you're loved,

D

Thought of the week

2006-11-24T17:43:00.000-05:00

Religion is for people that want to go to heaven.
Spirituality is for peole that have been to hell, and never want to go back.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

2006-09-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

Pirates in tawny waters, originally uploaded by jmpznz.

Arrgh. Avst yee maties I hope you had a jolly day!

That reminds me that I need to figure out what I am going to wear to the pirate party. Everyone needs to dress like a pirate, it ought to be fun. Can you say scallywag?

Then of course there is the small matter of Halloween in San Francisco, what to wear, what to wear??? I'll be taking suggestions.

Sonoma

2006-09-18T23:11:00.000-04:00

sonoma, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

Wouldn't it be nice if this were my place?

Neighborly Love

2006-09-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

Neighborly Love, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

So I'm somewhat floored by what my neighbors have done recently. In fact I'm not even sure when they put this flag up but it has to have been very recently. Needless to say I am beside myself. Are they that stupid? Am I wrong to interpret their flag as an indicator that they are nothing less than intolerant and racist? Is this flag in response to, and in support of, proposal 2; that would eliminate affirmative action in government hiring and university admissions? It would be one thing if we lived in the South, were they just can't help themselves. But for God's sake we are closer to the 45th parallel than the Mason-Dixon line, is there ANY other way to take this than they are a bunch of haters? Should I be afraid or should I just laugh? What the FUCK!?!

I thought the fact that my pride flag obscured my view of their flag was fitting irony.

Is it bad to be intolerant of intolerant people?

By the way am I the only one who has noticed that Michigan's Anti-gay Marraige Amendment was also Proposal 2?

AIDS Walk 2006

2006-09-17T14:15:00.000-04:00

AIDS Walk Detroit 2006

Thank you to everyone that contributed. I met my goal and some.

It was interesting, I've noticed that I no longer have the extreme sense of guilt or sadness that I once had. I remember the first time I volunteered with the walk and watched a mother and father present a panel for the AIDS quilt of their son who had recently died. Oh how I cried. Now I walked through the display and reflected but was not moved. There were fewer and fewer recent deaths as part of the quilt and some panels that were not memorials to individuals at all. Maybe this is a good thing but I cannot help to think that this is just a lull. Someday the virus could mutate to fight off most current medications and the death rate will again be devastating. I believe already that many feel that to be HIV positive is not so bad. No thank you. Between the side affects, the social rejection - predominately from our own community these day - the cost, 'cause these drug are not cheap and the fact that you could still die from it I think I'll pass.

True I sometimes feel like it couldn't happen to me, I've taken some risks in my past, I only number a handful of people personally who are infected, and only one with full blown AIDS, but I do not know anyone personally who has past away because of the disease. Though I have never known a sexual world without this plague I suppose in a way it is like many other things. Everything eventually becomes old news and is no longer page one. While I do not want to read about the doom and gloom of the worst off I think it is worth reminding so that someday this problem may go away.

One can only hope.

Fog Advisory

2006-09-15T18:29:00.000-04:00

IMG_0506, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

We had a fog advisory this morning and it got me thinking of a land far, far away. I never fail to have a good time while I'm out there. Admittedly it has always been short trips on vacation but still there is something about the place that I like, and it's more the just the overwhelming number of gay men.

Last night I posted my resume on Monster to see what there may be out in the area. Not really pursuing anything actively but rather waiting to see what might come to me, at least for now. My only mistake so far is leaving Michigan as a selected location. I've already received three calls in the first 24 hours. Weren't we in a recession?

I'll drink to that!

2006-09-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

According to a new study those that drink make more money that those that don't.

Wo who!

Of course the key point of the study indicates that it is because of the connection with colleagues, customers and business associates that is developed over a few frosty ones that is what makes all the difference. In other words drinking alone or getting smashed at the bar with the girls doesn't count.

You couldn't pay me to drink with my customer and many of my colleagues wouldn't want to drink with me, so... guess I better find a different way of getting ahead.

Late Night Sparty

2006-09-13T22:35:00.000-04:00

Late Night Sparty #2, originally uploaded by O Caritas.

New MSU GLBT Alumni Association to Host Sept. 30 Homecoming Reception

The newly-formed association for GLBT Alumni of Michigan State University will host a reception for GLBT alumni near the university’s East Lansing campus immediately following the Sept. 30 homecoming football game. The reception will take place at the James B. Henry Center for Executive Development at 3535 Forest Road, part of the University Club/Candlewood Suites complex just south of the Forest Akers Golf Course and approximately two miles south of campus. All MSU GLBT alumni, their family and friends are welcome. A cash bar will be available and hors d’oeuvres will be provided.

8 weeks from today

2006-09-12T21:50:00.000-04:00

Governor Granholm, originally uploaded by T.W.I.T..

It's time to vote again. Eight short weeks from tonight it will be too late. Educate yourself, learn the issues that will be on your local ballot, get to know the candidates as best you can and vote. I of course have my preferences but vote your conscience. All I ask is that when you vote do not only think of today and the next year but tomorrow and 30 years from now. Changing a political tide is like turning an aircraft carrier, it doesn't turn on a dime. Decisions made today have the potential to reverberate for decades to come. Where will you be? What world will you want to live in? How can you start to change the course of the world to get there today?

If you still haven't registered to vote there is still time. In Michigan you must be registered 30 days prior to the election. Click here to register.

Want to know what your ballot will look like? Chick here.

en memoriam

2006-09-11T21:58:00.000-04:00

WTC 2006 - 1, originally uploaded by socs.

for all of the things that now never will be, let us not forget

Steppin' OUT

2006-08-29T22:01:00.000-04:00

Hey gang,

I know, I know long time no read for many of you. Suffice to say things have been busy – or I have been overly distracted lately. Anyway I wanted to remind ya’ll about this year’s AIDS Walk Detroit in Royal Oak on Sunday 17 September. After taking last year off I will again be participating this year and have set a rather ambitious goal of $1000. In past years I’ve come awfully close to that amount and in all I have raised well over $3000 in the past five years. None of this could have been done with out your help though and I’m hoping this year may be no different. If you would like to make a donation this year it is as easy as clicking on the link below.

Whether you choose to give $10 or $100 every dollar will go to helping those affected by HIV/AIDS. Your support is greatly appreciated.

http://www.firstgiving.com/dlight

I hope this letter finds you in great spirits and health, I hope to talk to many of you soon. Let me know how you are doing in your own corner of the universe. Until then…

Know that you're loved,

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown

Home

2006-07-15T09:32:00.000-04:00

Back from Mississippi, just in time for our own weather to be swelteringly oppressive. From all the talk I've heard in the past week this trip will either be the last for several months or the beginning of a long stint in the land time forgot. I used to think the southern accent was somewhat cute I've now come to recognize that depending upon where you are the accent can be entirely different than elsewhere. In Mississippi the accent seems to fit the look, which I find entirely unattractive. Slow, dull and some what dim witted. The greater majority look like a cross between a drunk, albeit 8AM, and a downs syndrome kid. Now I will acknowledge that I am completely stereotyping right now but one that is my prerogative and two as you read you'll notice I say seemed and greater majority if you feel the above doesn't apply to you don't take umbrage, just simply decide to be in the 98th percentile.

It could too be a simple survival instinct that I do not find the boys down there attractive, but surprisingly I think I found a second family member on this last trip. Aside from the fact she is a former Marine and negating the utter lack of femininity due to the plant environment she referred to her relationship in vague generalities and third person gender neutralities. As someone who has been there I have to tell you this is a difficult thing to maneuver. Of course I wasn't about to call her out but still I think we managed to communicate.

OK I'm rambling

'til next

Hi Hello

2006-07-08T19:16:00.000-04:00

I'd almost forgotten. Actually I had.

The night of my last post before this something happened. It has taken some time to get right by it. Three months later I can still recognize the after effects and upon reflection think this may be something that I take with me through the rest of my life. Even today I found myself with thoughts that would not have been a part of me before.

I will be fine that I know but things are different. I've had a fair number of adventure and travels since we last met. I've done a lot for me (who else?!?) and a lot of nothing at the same time.

There have been plenty of things that I've thought I should opine over and share with ya'll. I've also thought about dropping the blog all together. I've certainly not done much to ensure regular readership, let alone anything grander. I may never... then again.

I should share some of my pics from my recent trip to San Francisco. We'll see.

Suffice to say I'm still around. Same old me, with just a bit more time to reflect.

'til next time...

D

A Picture Share!

2006-04-21T19:19:00.000-04:00

2006 Stanley Cup Playoffs - Round One, Home Game One

Ah...

2006-04-13T20:01:00.000-04:00

This is the first of what will hopefully be many from the patio. This provided the aforementioned problems do not become on going.

Yep it is that time already (already as if...). This afternoon I drug the patio furniture out and set up shop out in the back yard. The weather is perfect, the birds are singing and I'm tickled pink. Tomorrow I will break ground on the deck and soon I will have the completed another important phase of my back yard project.

What I've realized of course is that as with most things I am never satisfied. I have already devised the next the phases and am dreaming up even more. One step at a time but you never know.

As for the blog... I hope to spend a fair amount of time out here and while relaxing and listening o the radio is a good thing I wouldn't mind being able to write a bit in the process. Get on my soap box as some might say.

The truth is there have been multiple times when I have lay awake at night and realized the ramblings of my mind are similar to my writing. Of course I cannot say that one follows the other but I don't mind being able to share my point of view with some things. I am not of course an expert and intentionally avoid some topics because I know it is being read by some people that are decidedly less than anonymous.

I could of course change the blog address, add some content that may turn some of and prevent others from reading doing work but what would be the point? In a way I appreciate the fact that despite time and distance I can continue a dialogue, albeit one way, with those I don't see or talk to on a regular basis. It is in a subtle way, as this post is as well, of saying that though you are not in my life the you were that does not mean I do not think of you.

Sometimes of course more can be said with less (or perhaps with links) so look for it and enjoy.

'til then...

Hello Huston?!?

2006-04-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

I mentioned the other day that I had managed to get my router back up and running with the help of some cute girls from the Philippines, well this may bet to a regular affair. I've been thinking I might as well go straight anyway so it may work out. Anyway, I got home tonight and we didn't have much in the way of connectivity. So I again got to call half-way around the globe to fix my problem. I get a particular kick out of how they congratulate me when I finally do get connected. Gee thanks but really I don't need it. Maybe after I call a few times I'll know all the tricks and won't need to call, but then again...

The Gospel of Judas

2006-04-11T22:02:00.000-04:00

The errors, or at the very least logical flaws in Digital Fortress has me wondering about The Da Vinci Code. I know it's fiction but part of what makes the story such a great seller is that it is so believable. The only problem is that if one story is so obviously flawed the other must be as well. It is by itself the best argument the Catholic Church should ever need to diffuse the conspiracy theories that get inflamed by a book like this. Makes sense doesn't it?

Anyway they'll have plenty to do spinning what is sure to come out of the Lost Gospel of Judas.

I'm not for the destruction of the church but anytime we can learn more about our past I'm all for that...

We'll be serving

2006-04-10T22:56:00.000-04:00

Salad: Field Greens w/ Sun Dried Cherries, mandarin Oranges, Toasted sesame Bread and a Tarragon, Honey & Walnut glaze

entree: Panko encrusted Chicken w/ a Red Pepper reduction sauce, Butternut Squash Ravioli, and Haricots Vert.

Dessert: Bumpy Cake

We have contact

2006-04-09T22:35:00.000-04:00

It only took two hours but I finally have connection to the internet from my lap top again. This is a good thing as it will allow me to get some work done from home (not that I really want to but still...) and it just might allow me to blog a little bit more as well.

As it turns out I was have some difficulties in March and I reset my router. Apparently I need to be more careful about that as it lost the settings it needed to communicate with the modem and couldn't connect. Somewhere in the efforts to reinstall the system information it wouldn't do it so...

Linksys was pretty helpful, though I must admit I put off calling them for well over a month. I just don't like dealing with those things. OF COURSE both calls I made there I spoke with someone not of this hemisphere. It's annoying from a fundamental point of view in that I know someday my job may be there as well and more simply because many times I had to ask for them to repeat what was said. And I generally think that I can pick up on that better than most.

Anyway, now that's out of the way...

Dan Brown: Digital Fortress

2006-04-09T21:15:00.000-04:00

Digital Fortress is one of Dan Brown's earlier novels. Having read both The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons I almost immediately recognize his style. Blending fiction with non-fiction to create a story that is both fantastical and easily imagined. There is the organization that few know much actual detail about, in this case the NSA. There is the hero, or this time the heroine and their dark mysterious foil. Not to be forgotten the hero's mate who is placed into a fair amount of peril on his own. Most importantly the plot twist(s) that reveal themselves only after a few chapters of slight of hand.

The problem of course comes when you actually know something about the subject matter. Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code both dealt with the Catholic Church which has always been shrouded in secrecy. It is easy to believe somethings when conspriacy has clouded the line between fact and fiction before you even get to chapter one. This of course is not to say that the NSA isn't as equally secretive but it certainly doesn't have two millenia behind it, and more importantly the 'Digital Fortress' is just a fancy computer. It's really hard to stretch the bounds of reality with something as ubiquitous as a PC. There were certain twists that I saw coming a mile away. I don't know if it because they were so obvious or Dan Bown's style is so formulaic, or both. In all the book kept my interest if only because I was curious to see if I was on the right trail.

The end is near...

2006-04-08T19:42:00.000-04:00

Well OK so it isn't just around the corner but it's probably closer than we would all like to think.

Increasingly over the last few years I cannot help to think that the world as we know it won't be for much longer.

Motor City No Longer

I am convinced that I will not have the same type of job 30 years from now. I don't mean that I'll be in management rather than an engineer. I mean that I do not think that I will be working in the auto industry. My job will have been long ago down sized and those that remained shipped over seas. The auto industry in the US is dying, plain and simple. There is no getting around it. If I had one single piece of advice it would be to run, don't walk, away from here. I know I've said it before, but it's worthy of restating.

My prediction: GM will be filing for bankruptcy within the next 18 months. This may not be an immediate problem but consider that the aftershocks due to the financial fall out of their bankruptcy will effect multiple companies most significantly the most vulnerable. Those tier I & II companies that are already on the brink will be pulled over the edge either directly because of the GM's filing or will fall in as the edge erodes and finds them. Even if GM survives the filing thousands will loose their jobs. Most will not be GM employees (they will have long be let go)
, no they will be the individuals that do the real work that they once thought their college degrees ensured a stable career. The world as we know it will change.

It's Getting Hot in Here

Whether I have a job or not may be entirely irrelevant given the global climate change that is currently taking place. Sure we could be a multi year cycle that will soon be cooling and stabilizing, the problem with that is if we do nothing and we are wrong, by the time we know beyond the shadow of a doubt it will have been far far too long. It has been said that if we humans stopped today there would be enough energy in the system to continue to raise the earth's average temperature by one degree. And sure it's only one degree but do you realize how much energy would be required to raise the ENTIRE earth's atmosphere by one degree. We're not talk about a small amount of energy.

The predictions are for increased and more sever weather. Greater destruction from hurricanes and tornados. Increase seasonal flooding due to higher rains and coastal erosion from the melting of the polar caps. The world as we know will change.

$100 per Barrel - HA

It won't be long before $70 a barrel is a romantic memory not a dreaded thought of thinks to come. It won't end in Iraq and the politics of it will make today seem as nothing. We will soon be fighting India and China not only for jobs but oil as well. The promise of selling millions more new cars in those two markets will come a great price, increased oil consumption. Remember too that almost everything we come into daily contact is touched by oil. Plastics, detergents, fertilizers for food, oil for heating, electricity to run your house and factories and gasoline. It's not going to be pretty. The world as we know will change.

Things aren't going well right now and I blame the present administration and its politics of fear in part for my mood. I blame the fear of the unknown too. The world is at a cross roads, my life is in flux. The world as we know it will change; I can only hope to see the other end.

Shreveport

2006-04-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

An interesting little city. The folks are full of their southern charm and pleasant enough, the boys are cute and the accent is rather disarming. I don't know that I will have the chance to break away and visit the gay bars here (all two of 'em) but if I do maybe I'll let you know my thoughts, maybe...

I've got a better connection here at the hotel then I do at home right now (and time to kill) so you just might hear more from me this week.

'til then,

D

Forgiveness

2006-03-25T19:51:00.000-05:00

Friday night at the Necto.

A bunch of us did a night in A2. Dinner at the Arbor brewing company. Then dancing at the Necto. It was the first time that I had been out in a while. It was a mix of fun and stress, anxiety and pleasure.

I’m still processing the many issues of the last year and trying to get through them as best possible. I had a beer at the club which wasn’t enough to completely cut the nerves but it helped somewhat. This place can be somewhat intimidating because it is filled predominately by the 18 ~ 25 that attend university there. On the surface being surrounded by the younger crowd can make you feel a little bit older that reality. Upon reflection they lack the very experience and maturity I would want and no amount of beauty or vitality can make up for that in the long run. There were however several guys there that would, in appearance and demeanor, have those qualities and more. Maybe next time I’ll work up the never to actually talk to one of them. (I’m not big on rejection right now and also want to know they are interested so…)

In the ‘got knocked off my horse’ category I ran into A* there as well. It was nice to see him but nevertheless it was definitely the singular turbulence moment of the evening. I made a few other observations that both hurt and helped. And with most things I want to know and am afraid to. If you pick at a wound it will never heal. I’m more than ready to move on and I know that I have already made strides to do so but I still have a ton of emotions to process and plenty of healing still ahead. MGF told me that part of all of this could be made easier if I could forgive. In his words I shouldn’t be part of the hurt in this world. In a way I think that I already have but know that parts still linger. The real problem that I have is that it is hard to forgive when there isn’t an admission to guilt or even a request for forgiveness. It’s difficult when I still feel the way that I do, but easier knowing that part of me will not change and in time it will fade.

The Big Bash 2006

2006-03-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

Affirmations Lesbian and Gay Community Center proudly celebrates 17 years of service at its single largest annual fundraising event, The Big Bash. This year we’re celebrating the people and events that fueled our past and drive our future. Upon arrival, guests will revisit both inspiring and heartbreaking moments of LGBT history displayed against the stunning backdrop of GM’s best in automotive design throughout the last 100 years.

The location is one of our area’s best-kept secrets, The GM Heritage Center. Available only for private affairs, it showcases more than 150 historically significant concept and production vehicles from as early as 1903 in a beautiful 81,000 square-foot facility. Guests will see Woodward Avenue as they’ve never seen it before!

Support Affirmations' work with gay and lesbian youth, seniors, and families by joining fellow on-lookers at this celebration of the people who inspire us. Limited Edition tickets are $250 and include complimentary valet parking, an invitation to a private, pre-event guided tour of the facility and more. Classic level tickets are $150 provide one general admission to the event. Make your reservation today by calling 248-398-7105.

When: Saturday, April 29, 2006, beginning at 6:00pm. Private tour for Limited Edition guests begins at 5:00pm.

Where:GM Heritage Center6400 Center Drive, Sterling Heights, Michigan

How Much:Classic tickets, $150Limited Edition tickets, $250 and include:

Complimentary valet parking
Invitation to the private, guided tour (begins at 5pm the same evening)
Special recognition in our evening program and other treats

To purchase tickets online, go to http://www.thebigbash.org/(a $3.50 online processing fee will be assessed by Box Office Tickets)

What's Included:Open BarFull dinner, vegetarian options available upon requestMusical EntertainmentLive Auction Silent Art AuctionRaffle

Call to reserve your tickets today -- 248-398-7105Come Celebrate our Heritage!

Crash

2006-03-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

I know I should be hoping that Brokeback Mountain will win but I don't feel that it is the best. My personal favorite is 'Crash'.

I've always had a thing for the way some story lines can show the interconnection of life and 'Crash' does that with a twist.

The acting in the movie isn't always first rate but the overall movie is good. The same could be said of Brokeback save that were it not for the controversy of the film I so not know if it would even be in contention.

For the record I posted this a full hour before the award. Note below...

This year's Academy Awards

2006-03-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

brought to you by the committee to promote movies played in movie theaters.

Is it just me or does this year's Oscars feel like one big commercial to go see a movie in a theater?

Well the thing is...

2006-03-05T19:16:00.000-05:00

The problem with turning a corner is that you cannot see what's coming at you. It's been a rough week for a number or reasons.

My router is fried so doing anything on-line right now is a pain and I cannot connect to work so I've had to put in a few extra hours there to do some of the things I had started to do here.

Spent the weekend with my nephew. We had a lot of fun but I was ready for him to go home. It apparently showed because toward the end he even asked if I was getting annoyed with him. It wasn't so much that, as it was that his father was supposed to have picked him up hours before and I missed out on something I had been hoping to do. So be it.

The cute guy from last week has disappeared into the either. Though I have made zero attempt to contact him and I realize because of certain people I am not yet willing to be the one to put anything out there for rejection. It makes me sad and angry at the same time. Sad for the obvious that I still have some way to go and angry because I now recognize this as something that was taken from me. I am not the same person I was, and at the present I am feeling as though that may not be an all together positive thing. In many ways I might be worse off now than before, not stronger.

The saying goes it is always darkest before the dawn. Well then I'm ready to wake up. I grow weary of the darkness and long for the light.

I know it will be some time still and the hard parts may yet lay head. Let's hope I see those things coming...

I am so hollow

2006-03-05T19:04:00.000-05:00

Goodbye My Lover
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Turning the Corner

2006-02-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

Another week down... This weekend I spent a fair amount of time doing a little bit of everything and actually managed to make some progress on a few matters in the process. I could easily go out and buy a lot of the things that I need to finish a lot of the little projects around the house but then I'd go broke. Better that I knock of one or two things and get them done and out of the way. I'll spend some and work and the relax and wait to do it again.

In the same way things are started to look up in the personal arena as well. I met up for drinks (or something like that) the other night. Things went well, we talked a lot and enjoyed the evening. He is cute and has things together which is a plus. I cannot say where things will go in the long run but then I am not going to worry about that. If there is one thing I have learn it's that I have to take things one day, one experience at a time.

I'm beat from the work out at the gym today so that is my report for tonight...

Can I get a Time Out?

2006-02-21T21:45:00.000-05:00

This week isn't going to be a good one for me when it comes to free time after work. Good that It only took me until 10:00 Tuesday evening to come to that conclusion. Between work and the Center I'm booked.

I have grabbed my gym bag each morning oblivious to the fact that it wasn't happening. Of course neither is much else so with that, sweet dreams...

On second thought

2006-02-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

My father went down south for his annual Winter golf get away so I decided to have dinner with Mom. On the drive out it occurs to me that there are plenty of things that I could write about that though pales in comparison to some of the other blogs out there, nevertheless they are worthy to be sure. I'll have to start doing a much better job about reporting in when the good stories do occur. Like for example the straight boy that I picked up at the Weal Inn...

But you know it's late so...

Found in the Dungeon

2006-02-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning up the basement this morning trying to get organized and make some extra room and came across this. Needless to say I though there once was a bird down there but never did find it. Until now at least. May be it is time I put a screen on the chimney.

A creepy artifact found in my basement.

It's a Pterodactyl!

2006-02-19T15:29:00.000-05:00

Just in case the last picture was not clear.

I know, I know

2006-02-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

I think we are definitely at the height of winter. I've been unmotivated to do much, including writing and I find myself falling back into old habits. I've been sick for the last week which has not helped but I am for sure depressed right now. I got an interesting phone call recently that has reopened old wounds and I am realizing that I hadn't progressed as much as I may have thought. How I've handled the situation is perhaps the best and most adult. That said it has reminded me of old pains and allowed myself to question myself and my instincts. Talking to a friend of mine I have gone from hurt, through sad and am pressing nicely into angry. I think it is important to recognize this and get through it as soon as I can else I do something really dumb ('cause God knows I already do enough dumb things)

I am re-evaluating my contribution to the community and what my part is and will be moving forward. Work is starting to eat into my free time and I need to manage my stress a bit more actively than most so I do need to prioritize how I spend the rest of my time. Thinking about dating again but I still don't know...

Like I said that random phone call has definitely made me aware of how hurt I am still and how much more I have to do.

The Next Best Thing

2006-02-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

Like many I spent tonight by myself. I did have dinner with a friend who also would have otherwise spent the rest of the evening alone.

After dinner I decided to rent a movie. In protest of the day however I decided to forego the chic-flick romance (they were mostly sold out anyway) and went with the latest new release, "Saw II"

Because I wasn't planning on sleeping anyway, right?!?

Kwame flies Coach

2006-02-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

and not the leather.

Sited this past weekend in Phoenix, sans entourage. As the story goes he was out there for some convention. Maybe with any luck he'll lure some business back this way. More surprising than anything he flew in coach. I would have thought Mr. Bling would have had a private chartered jet or at least flown First Class. I guess they haven't given him his credit card back.

And no entourage, either. I've not seen him in Metro Detroit with out four or five crony body-guards. Maybe he figured no one out of the area would want to do him any harm. Maybe the petty cash fund was depleted flying him out there and there wasn't anything left for the boys. Who knows...

Rumors of my departure...

2006-02-12T20:37:00.000-05:00

One post in the last two weeks, not exactly inspired is it? I spent last week in Mississippi and didn't have much time to do much in the way of write. Next time I will bring my laptop which may help, though truth be told I didn't have much free time to begin with so...

I do have some things to report and observations made that I would like to put to words. I hope to report back in with more details.

Only our failures

2006-02-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

An interesting dilemma has presented itself and the decision I made has given me perhaps the best insight into the secret successes of the CIA. No one will ever know, and for it to remain a success no one ever can. But I know that when everything is said and done that is all that ever really matters anyway.

Yawn

2006-01-29T20:16:00.000-05:00

With campaign finance statements due in a few days I have been tied up with those. Between working up to 7 at night, campaign statements and Big Bash I have had to be in front of the computer with little time to write. I do want to reflect on the Yoga workshop I went to. Maybe in a few days.

'til then...

Know that you're loved,

D

Tick tock

2006-01-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day lately. The new job is good, frustrating at times but I am getting through that. My days fly by and more often than not I am still working away several hours after I should have already gone home. The up side of that is I hope to get some recognition for my efforts and it passed the time. The down side is many of the other things I want to do just don't get done. This of course many not be any different than before but I have a real sense that I need to do more with less and that bugs me.

Campaign Finance Statements are due in a week and while I have most of the information I am still missing one or two tid bits that could make all the difference. Still I don't expect to have to stay up all night this time.

Time is running out on the Capital Campaign too. With less than one week to go we only need $18,784 out of $5,300,000. Anyone want to write a check? There were a lot of people that worked very hard on this project.

Mr. Sandman

2006-01-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

Once again I cannot sleep. It's nothing new that my mind is going a mile a minute when I should be sound asleep. The chatter that goes on inside my skull sometimes is amazing. It's nothing crazy or insane it's just chatter. Imagine a conversation with yourself set in a busy coffee shop or restaurant filled with many other conversations. The conversations are generally more like one way monologues rehashing my day planning the next.

Now throw in short attention span theater and you get a review of last week and planning for next month. Reminiscing about past loves wondering about loves to come. Ofcourse none of this would be complete without something to regret over. Some future to worry about. Too numerous plans made, far more than any one individual can complete. And this of course is just an over view.

Eventually the sleep does come and the dreams pick up where the waking mind left off. I can only hope to eventual tame the noise and clam my mind long before midnight hoping that tonight I can get a decent night's rest.

I miss having A* to cuddle up to the rhythm of his breathing and the beat of his heart gave me something to concentrate on. The love shared keeping me insulated for the moment.

I am far from that time now and the best I can do is try to be at peace with what I have. Sweet dreams to you all may you find comfort tonight.

Google this

2006-01-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

All of the news stories about the Google subpoena battle should have people thinking about what is really private when it comes to the internet. If you know anything about the internet, particularly if you have a working knowledge on the development of the early days, or ARPANET, then you should no that where ever you go on-line, whatever you do you leave a trail. Most of commercial websites, if not all of them, can tell what IP address you came from, whether you were referred by another website, found the site by a search engine - and if so which search engine and what your search criteria were, or if you jumped directly to that site. They can tell approximately how long you were there, and how you left. And that I'm sure is only the tip of the iceberg.

Granted none of the information left behind will, per se, tell them who you are specifically. But an established history and repeated hits to a site can provide some information to hint at your identity.

So is it a problem? I for one have so much out there that it would be silly for me to fret over. I have little intention of doing anything even remotely illegal, on-line or elsewhere so I don't really care. The information stored is so massive the companys that store the information can only ever hope to come up with generalizations. And the government... well while I will always question their intent to some degree , especially with our current administration, I balance that with their utter incompetence to do any real harm.

So next time you are going to "google" some porn think twice, or don't.

Reflections in the Mirror

2006-01-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

There were plenty of perfect picture opportunities while at the autoshow, granted far fewer opportunities than if I had gone the week before. Perhaps next year. The camera I had was less than ideal however. If the photos weren't blurry then I just couldn't get the entire car into the frame. Frustrating to say the least. Combined with the overall crowd I wasn't up for hanging out at Cobo much more than I did. Besides it's just dreaming on cars I cannot afford right now.

NAIAS

2006-01-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

Autoshow Crazy

Spending the day, or rather an hour at the Auto Show was about enough for me. Luckily I went with my little brother so it got to be a bit longer than that.

525,600 minutes

2006-01-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin. 24 hours later I was pushed out of the plane. While I may have been handed a parachute before heading for a free fall I did not have the opportunity to put it on or figure out how it worked.

I could probably run on for a while with this metaphor but I think you get the drift. Things have been coming back to me. I guess because I have had the time to think and the hurt is starting to subside. The problem with all of this is the what if's, and I should have's that start to emerge. I can never seem to stop rehashing and revisiting the past. I beat myself up over things I did and should have done differently just as much as I beat myself up for things I did not do. There were times when I was too strong and others when I was not strong enough; moments when my patience could have been more and moments when my patience turned me into a dish rag.

I once thought if I were laid off it would be the end of the world.

I once didn't care that I couldn't handle my drinking.

I once thought I had met the love of my life.

I once said I would never sell my car.

I once...

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin, and it was the beginning of the end for many things, it was not however the end of beginnings. After I hit the ground, however rough that landing might have been, I survived. I am only now learning to fly again. Only a little worse for the ware, I know I fly will again some day. I still don't trust myself, my instincts or my heart enough to think I can fly alone and fear that it may be some time before I do. That time will come and I will be ready when it does.

Learn from your mistakes and from those times life doesn't go the way you wish. Forget regret...

If Love is

2006-01-17T19:05:00.000-05:00

If Love is a force of nature: Then I am dealing with a drought after a hurricane. and I'm pissed at the weather man.

and the winner is...

2006-01-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

Brokeback Mountain

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: Written by Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana Based upon the original short story by Annie Proulx. It helps to have an excellent story to start with but credit must be given to their ability to transform the story into a screen play that transitioned the text into the visual.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture: "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" A good song I guess, though I cannot say that I recall hearing it. Then again none of the songs nominated this year are major stand-outs. Do you ever wonder if there are some years were they would really rather just skip certain awards for the year?

Best Director - Motion Picture: Angie Lee He has not directed that many films but what he has have been recognized as excellent pieces of work. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Eat Drink Man Woman; and The Wedding Banquet to name but a few. Way to go Ang, keep up the good work. Oh, we all forgive you for The Hulk now.

Best Motion Picture - Drama: Brokeback Mountain It's a real credit to the movie, the actors and the director. In the ideal world, the place where many only dream, we could say the award was based strictly on the merit of the performance, directing, production and writing. In this real world we have to acknowledge the importance of the content of the movie and recognize the ground breaking message this award sends. I am happy tonight.

"Love is a force of Nature"

Golden Globes

2006-01-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Still trying to figure out why I stay up late to watch The Golden Globes of course I suppose this would be the gay equivalent of the play-offs. Even still I'm sure I'll be beat tomorrow and my life won't really be different for having seen the awards live or finding out in the AM. But we do it so...

Dakota Johnson, this year's Miss Golden Globe, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith - herself Miss Golden Globe 1975, daughter of Tippi Hedren - looked to be a bit stage struck.

Sleeper Cell did not win for best mini-series. Too bad 'cause I thought it was pretty good. But I guess since it was the only mini-series I saw any part of I'm not a qualified to prejudge the others.

Reese Witherspoon, won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. She has all she needs in her husband. Two words - Yumm ee. I just remember seeing Little Boy Blue. Let's just say he deserved some type of award for a certain performance in that film!

And in a surprise Mary Louise Parker won for Best Actress in a Television Series. She deserves it. And given the other four nominees where from Desperate Housewives I thought it a foregone conclusion that someone from that cast would win. I'm torn, because seeing those ladies go at it if one of them had won would have been worth it.

All of this of course is the build up to the Best Motion Picture award to see if Brokeback Mountain will win. The other movies are good competition so well see. I cannot help but hope that it does win. While it will not mean a tidal change in the current climate perhaps it will signal a change in the swing of the pendulum. Let's hope.

Dr. MLK Jr. Day

2006-01-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

Spending the day doing a lot of the things that I don't normally like to do but have been putting off (ironing shirts are at the top of the list.) Listening to the radio and reflecting.

Of course perhaps today I should be doing something to give back. The preference is to call today a National Day of Action rather than just a National Holiday. I would counter that by saying 1.) Doing some of these things today allows me to participate in such Action the rest of the month and 2.) The day isn't over and trust if I don't have something to go to later tonight.

I have thought about what side I would have been on were I alive in 1965, if any. I know now that I would have wanted to be involved, though my circumstances may have made it difficult. That said I believe my desire to come out on the side of support is in part to the history that brings us to today and my own personal experience to this point. Clearly my own life would have been different if the timeline were shifted by 40 years, and further the history that has fermented my opinions was being made at that point so my opinions would be different could potentially be different, and most likely would be.

Memoirs of a Fictionalist

2006-01-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

I've had this feeling, or recurring thought, that many of the blogs I read are somewhat removed from the realm of reality. Particularly those that portend to be actual accounts of an individual's life and their sexual adventures. I will concede that some stories may be based upon actual events I cannot help but question the frequency and intensity of those events.

I had thought that maybe it was just me. Inasmuch as I haven't really been doing anything even close to the scale of their adventures I have thought it is entirely possible the stories are true. But really are there that many Brian Kinney's out there? Probably not.

A really juicy story will be read by far more people than those less intriguing (regrettably I would put this blog into the latter category). You can see that in the case of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. It's based on actual events at best. A memoir where the actual details have been grossly exaggerated or altogether fabricated. At least that is some of the events have received a make over. The problem with this selective treatment is the absolute truth and the gussied up version become indistinguishable. You no longer know what is or is not and need to decide what to take as fact or fiction.

It is understandable in the case of Frey why you may want to embellish the story to help increase sales. In that vein nothing helps to increase sales more than sex. So it would make sense that the sex would likely be more memoir than biographical. Oh I know there is little in the way of financial incentive to do this but if you think people won't go t ascertain lengths just to get a few more hits on their site you clearly haven't be in the blogosphere much.

The ranking, rating and reviewing that goes on feeds the egos of many a blogger. Even more there is some money to be made with Google Ads or other third party links from the blog. All of that said I don't know that I want them to change one bit.

I have felt some push to be more creative in my own blogging but I suppose that to be creative does not need to mean becoming fictional or graphic - not that there would be much anyway but still.

Ok so I'm rambling at this point so good night...

WTF

2006-01-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know which is better the look of shock on the one monkey's face or the smug look on th other one's

Happy Friday the Thirteenth

2006-01-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

I'm staying inside today...

Come down from the Mountain

2006-01-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

In the last week there have been a number of reviews of Brokeback Mountain that have gotten some attention, or that I've notice at the least. The obvious one that comes to mind is that of Gene Shalit wherein he referred to Jack as a "sexual predator", who "tracks Ennis down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts". While I don't accept the premise that Jack coaxed Ennis into anything I do agree somewhat with the sexual predator title. At least that is during the scene of their first sexual experience. While I will concede there was some allusion to a growing attraction between the two prior to that night I couldn't help feel the first time the two had sex the initiator was clearly Jack and I personally felt that Ennis appeared as though he not only wanted nothing to do with what Jack was pursuing that he was on the verge of assaulting Jack to prevent what was about to happen. Of course that is until he flipped Jack, spit on his hand, and had his way with him. Not one of the finer acting scenes I've ever watched. I just didn't buy what had happened. "Predator" is a perfect description of how it appeared to me at the time; for that scene. I will concede that shortly thereafter, as the movie proceeded, their relationship evolved as it could in the time and place that they were in. That part of the movie I felt was a great depiction of how a relationship between two men might have been for the era.

Of course Shalit has issued an apology. In this I am torn between accepting that he didn't mean any harm, and as such can concede that if there were those that were hurt or offended then by right there should be an apology, and asking why anyone was offended. Granted I may be in the minority in concurring with the predator label, even if for just a period, anyone who actually saw the Shalit review on the Today show and who knows his style should have agreed that it was done without malice. Shalit has a rather wry sense of humor, watch the other reviews of the week and I think you'll see what I mean. Besides look at the man, does he look like a man who should be taken completely serious? Really people?!?

It is, in my opinion, yet another example where the GLBT community has it's hissy fit over yet another trite matter, again losing sight of the forest for the trees. We end up being a bunch of whiney cry babies anytime we get a paper cut.

Any movie like this, that breaks new ground on subject matter that is less than fully embarrassed by a full majority of society is bound to have strong reactions for or against. Leonard Pitts, true to his style has clearly come out in defense of the movie and has taken those whose comments were less than educated to task. Long an outspoken ally of the community he uses his strong power of the written word to defend the movie and continue his fight of discrimination.

The review that I like the most comes by way of Vogue and NPR's Fresh Air. Reviewing the movie and defending it, John Powers, addresses some of the reasons for the reactions to this movie and puts it in a light that perhaps is closer to truth than some would admit. Take the time to listen.

The truth hurts

2006-01-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

my sides that is, from laughing so hard! Maybe that is why things have been so dull lately, I getting back to being an engineer. Not likely but hey.

Here Comes the Sun

2006-01-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

What a fabulous day! The sunshine was magnificent and warm and bright. I welcomed the sunshine even as it blinded me from my desk! The relection off the lake lifted my spirits like no other. Ah the glorious sun. And summer is only 5 short months away.

Today alone made up for the dismal amount of sun we had in all of December.

Long Day

2006-01-05T22:23:00.000-05:00

Just getting in now and it's 20 past 10. I just wanted to check in.

Sleep well

I opine

2006-01-04T19:19:00.000-05:00

It is unfortunate what happened in West Virginia. I heard plenty of coverage on NPR which got me thinking. Sure there were mistakes made and the mining company should be held accountable but... In my opinion it was irresponsible for the officials on hand to have not said something the minute they realized there was some confusion about the report of survivors, that said we don't yet know to what degree the confusion existed, and some leeway should be granted to them to take a moment to verify the second report that their initial information was incorrect. This is the mistake they made, in that they did not absolutely confirm the first report of survivors. The same burden should be put to the media, one of the fundamental tenants of reporting is to confirm information before releasing that information for public consumption. Then it was reported that some of the victims families were so enraged at the company officials that the officials were assaulted. Then the families had the nerve to say the officials didn't apologize, how could they under such circumstance. Sorry folks you can't have it both ways. Oh, the families were under incredible stress and acted irrationally during a very trying moment? I would like to think it was the same for the officials...

Deep Breaths

2006-01-02T23:23:00.000-05:00

I've been planning out my schedule for this coming week trying to incorporate as many things as possible that I know I need to do without going into overload.

I am not going to get to my goals over night so I can take it in steps. So I have my gym bag packed and I have a yoga class that I can go to so that is a great start. I wish I was more into yoga right now 'cause my upper back is killing me and aside from A* no one could ever get it right so it's hurt'n.

I've actually be thinking and reflecting and I am going to seriously make a push to incorporate Yoga as a more central part of my daily routine. I NEED inner peace and I definitly do not have that right now. I know that this part of the year is difficult but I need to be stronger. I'm starting a new year and need to seize on to this as a new begining to get back to those things that I've wanted and know I can do.

I don't need to be 130lbs again, although I wouldn't mind the 28" waist that went along with it. I don't need a boyfriend but I now that I want to share my life with someone (and I assume that to be a boyfriend) But neither of those things, nor some variation thereof will happen tomorrow. I cannot say that I will ever get there, I do not know what will happen in the future. I do know that there will be good things to come and here's looking forward to them.

Namaste

Unspoken

2006-01-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

An unexpected "gift"

This great adventure begins
At the foot of my bed
I'll stake claim to you
If you'll discover me
Like a fire in a snowstorm
Our skin casts a contrast
The hell of August's heat
Tamed by a tingling spine
Where words lead to worry
My eyes are you minds mirror
We fantasize and realize
The crash of this crush
We suffer the solace of sheets
The sweetness of sweat
The lingering of lush lips
Hot, honey covered and hungry
Fingers that flex and fold
In a tangle of good intentions
The necessity of this need
Has us tied up and trusting
But with Appolo's Alarm
This memory is set in motion
A love I cannot undo
And I was only passing through

Thank you, and I'm sorry. I cannot explain this maybe someday...

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T02:06:00.000-05:00

"Now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been." Rilke

Imagine the possibilities!

No pressure...

2005-12-30T11:39:00.000-05:00

So here's the thing. I know my writing hasn't been Pulitzer material lately and at the same time you won't find much that I write in the annals of gay sex conquests as many of the other blogs out there. So it doesn't help when I figured out that my blog is one of the few that come up on Queerfliter for Michigan. WTF.

Anyway I don't know that I will be writing differently but then again it may serve as an incentive to do so. We'll see.

Moment of what?

2005-12-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well if you were looking for Zen don't look to me. I couldn't take much more than 10 minutes at Pronto tonight before I had my fill. Never mind there were plenty of people there that couldn't be bothered with me the were enough friends there to help offset anything trivial in that arena I simply don't care for the crowd. I'm not there to hook up and or meet someone. I don't know that I am ready for that anyway but I really don't expect that it will happen at a meat market bar. I was there to hang out with friends plain and simple, but the crowds weren't conducive to that. Maybe some day just not now.

Of course that begs the question that if I cannot handle P's on a regular night will I be in any position to cope with NYE. If I do go out it will be crowds of a level far greater. It is of course something that I need to think through and get my head around and also know that I can leave whenever I choose. Nevertheless I'm glad I have options and time still to decide.

Dinner with the gang was nice. Here's hoping there will be more casual gatherings, which let's face it are more my speed anyway.

Still life

2005-12-29T18:28:00.000-05:00

Of course immediately a couple of things come to mind.

First and foremost is another part of my resolution list. That being getting more serious about photography. This will be problematic inasmuch as I do not currently have an operating camera but that can be remedied and as soon as I have other debts taken care of, which if things work out could start seeing some progress in the early part of next year. I would like to participate in the Photo-A-Day challenge by a group from DPChallenge. In that I have never contributed to DPC perhaps I should aim for that first before getting too crazy. All the same I want to get back into it, and if I can manage it I will in the early part of 2006. Not all resolutions have to start on New Year's Day, after all. I'd love to have a new camera now and a fancy one at that but again I need to learn to walk first right?!?

The second is more of the same. Yoga. Relaxation. Meditation. I am working on letting go. I hold on to things and thoughts that I can no longer do anything about. That's not to say that I will stop caring or close my heart off the world around me but I need to accept that there is far more that I can never control and thus need to let go of the idea that I need to try. There are so many things that I can effect and I should start focusing on them.

'til next time

Namaste

Making a list

2005-12-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

I've spent the majority of the day reflecting on the last year and thinking about the next. There are plenty of things that I cannot undo or change but there are plenty of things that I can try to get right in the coming year. Try being the key word there, my goal being progress not perfection. And while on that though perfection is certainly something to aspire toward knowing, as I do, that it is an almost unattainable goal helps temper me in my aims; wishing to simply make improvements, small though they may be at time, on a day by day basis.

I have already tried to reincorporating the gym on my daily routine. I'd like to start doing yoga on a more regular basis as well, unfortunately neither gym offers it at a time that works for me at the moment, though I might look at adding it in at lunch - we'll see. Every time that I've practice I have felt more calm and at peace. There have even been occasions where I have been brought to tears. I truly do not fully comprehend the how's and why's of what happens but it seems to work. Besides there has been more than one occasion when I have been sore for days afterward not unlike any other good gym workout. I would try to practice by myself, as I have in the past however I am too self aware of my novice status and recognize the need to have an instructor. Having a gentle nudge from time to time can't hurt either.

Baron Baptiste is a great writer as well as yoga guru. His book is definitely not something a begin should buy and then think they can do some of the positions in without first reading the book, understanding his wisdom and the long practice. If you are luck enough to have an instructor that knows can help guide your practice I highly recommend that you stick with them and if you feel the need to expand your practice through study "Journey Into Power" is a strong book to use.

Good intentions...

2005-12-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

Not wanting to waste the time off this week and still not having much more than two nickels to rub together I am working on finalizing the many home projects I had begun some time back before many of the things that have happened since then. (Many of those things you will note are not here within) At any rate I decided to add to my many list of tasks the slow drain in the bath room. There are those that claimed that it was due to my using the sink in the bath room as a utility sink. Being a somewhat obstinate sort I hold to the belief that the water soluble paint dissolved into the water and thus could not act to restrict the flow of water, but then what do I know I only have a degree in Chemical Engineering.

I digress...

"Suggest, Ask, Force."

Having already tried several forms of chemical persuasion to help clear the drain I determined that it was time for more persuasive measures. Hoping to trying something short of the brute force method I decided to remove the trap to see if there was anything blocking the flow. In doing so I simultaneously determined the cause of the problem, and made that problem irrelevant. In removing the trap the corroded connections broke. ...in replacing the pipe and connecting the wall drain (also broke in process) I determined the 6 some-odd inches of level drain leading into the wall was the primary cause to the slow drain. Concessions to the fact that there had to be material to build up to cause a blockage in the first place but, given that I doubt greatly, much had been done in years in the way of preventive maintenance this was a problem that had its due.

After much swearing and a couple of trips to the Home Depot I hope to have this one task off my list.

Memoirs of a Geisha

2005-12-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

Got to see a seek preview of 'Memoirs of a Geisha' the other night. It is definitely a movie worth seeing. The set design of the Japanese village was breath taking, particularly for one who is drawn to all things zen. It is a good story on love, loss and managing the desires of life and the realities we all live within. It is after all "not called Memoirs of an Empress"

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone was able to relax and enjoy even a moment of peace today.  Christmas has always been about family to me and I am glad that most of my family was home to celebrate the day together.  My sis of course could not but we were able to talk for a while and her mother-in-sorta law made the trek out to San Francisco so she had some degree of family.

I am looking forward to the new year and a chance toward new starts.  I have been slowly build to getting back into me.  Doing things for me and get me back on track.  If it means being selfish to an extent then so be it.  I cannot yet trust my judgment to allow myself to begin dating again.  I am still to wounded from the past year and do not want to make some of the same mistakes I’ve made.

As usual I want to try and contribute on a more regular basis to this blog.  We’ll see if I keep it up or not.  I may drop this all together too.  If nothing I do need to learn to let go maybe here would be a good start.  Time will tell.

Until next time, to all a good night.

The Decompression Blog

2005-12-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

Back from my all too brief trip to San Francisco. It was nice to get away and spend time with C&C. I was their first "real" visitor to their new place out there. Their roommate was back in St. Louis for the weekend so I even had a bed to sleep in.

Castro
Saturday we hung out in the Castro. My sis works at a laundry mat/coffee shop called Sit n' Spin which has free wi-fi so it's actually a fun place to hang-out while waiting for the spin cycle to finish. Of course you could just as easily cross the street to any one of the local bars but... Unfortunately there was a glitch on the camera I was using and all of my photos from that day in the Castro are gone. So be it

Saturday night we went bar hopping starting in North Beach (Little Italy) and working our way back to the Castro. Some of the places the girls had not yet been to, others where their favorites.

"The Bar" was a pretty cool place, we got there perhaps a bit early as the there were few boys there and the ones that were well... let's just say I was more interested in the interior decorating.

"Moby Dick" is a small little place that really would have fit in almost anywhere, with a good mix of men and women but again there wasn't much to really go crazy over, there were some handsome older guys there all the same though it was like an everyday bar. To tell the truth I was enjoying my time with the girls so it wasn't too much of a disappointment at all that the distractions were few and far between.

We took the 33, or was it the 37 back to Haight-Asbury past Twin Peaks - "My dog barks some" - and ended the evening at Traxx. Traxx is their local gay watering hole just a couple of blocks from their place. Like many of the other bars in the area it was small, but not overly crowded. I am guessing that since it was more of a bar than a club explains the majority of why there wasn't a larger gay boi contingent.

Shopping Downtown
Since A* had given me a BR Friends & Family discount card we decided to hit the store downtown. Somerset has NOTHING on this place. It was overwhelming, and I am fairly certain there wasn't one piece of the collection that wasn't somewhere in the store. Unfortunately the discount couldn't be used with my gift certificate so I didn't get the deal I was hoping for and am wishing I hadn't bought the outfit I did now. Ah well now I have a nice winter getup. My sis had to work that day so her fiancee and I wandered around town and saw the sights. As neither of us knew the MUNI system well enough to get around we hiked it for the afternoon. I thought it would be nice to take some pictures of the city and just get to hang out one-on-one with her so this worked out well. We made it to Lombard street the three blocks from Columbus alone wiped us out for the rest of the day. Eventually we figured out the right bus line to take to get back downtown and headed home. I wasn't feeling completely up to getting crazy that evening and was glad to just hang out at one of the many local eateries that night. Where I even got to watch a belly dancer. I just didn't know there were actually suppossed to have bellies.

Japanese Tea Garden
One of the places I wanted to see was the Tea Garden. The garden itself is over one hundred years old so I could never begin to hope to have such a manicured tranquil spot. I got some definite ideas for things that I might do differently or add to my patio/backyard to give it more of that sense of peace. As with every other sight in town the place was just short of mobbed and between that and my obsession with taking photos I doubt I enjoyed it nearly as well as I may, nevertheless it was a beautiful little retreat. There is something about the inner beauty and spirituality of a garden like this that calms me like most nothing else can. I truly wish I could feel as comfortable pretty much every day like I did when I was there.

In sum
All in all I had a great trip. It was completely spur of the moment and with a $200 airfare I couldn't pass it up. I was glad to spend time with my sister and her girlfriend. I know they are both a bit homesick and will not be making it back for the holidays so it was a special bonus that I did not start my new job this week. Overall my impression of San Francisco is less the gay Meccah it is made out to be and more of a progressively alternative metropolis with it's enclave of gays as any large city might have. I didn't realy go for the men which is perhaps a good thing as most seemed to be older and old school(think of some of the past stereotypes.) I saw many of the things that I set out to, it would have only been better if I had been able to bring someone with me. Maybe someday...

We now return to our regularly scheduled Blog

2005-12-07T02:11:00.000-05:00

Ok I think I got it back to where the blog was a few days ago. My guess is there were a number of glitches that were all coming together that made for a messed up page. I am toying with the idea of reinstating some of the features I was trying to upgrade when I messed things up before. Trial and error and fewer distractions and I should be able to get this to be better than before.

I am feeling refreshed and have lots of thoughts so just as soon as I can I will try to give ya'll the skinny on my trip and all dat.

Please stand by...

2005-12-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties,(I knew I shouldn't have tried to post while on vacation) hopefully I can figure out why I cannot see the blog. Which of course begs the question - can you? Maybe it is the computer that I am on right now and not so much the site itself. I guess I won't know for a few more days.

'til then I'll keep trying.

D

Cheryl

2005-12-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

Cheryl

Golden Gate Park

2005-12-05T14:44:00.000-05:00

Golden Gate

Maybe next time I can take a picture that isn't directly ino the sun.

Life thru Dreams

2005-12-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

Had an interesting dream last night. It felt pretty real, but in the morning I knew it wasn't and realized that I wouldn't have done what I did in my dream. It would be nice if I could stand up for myself and take certain risks. It is a balance between getting more of what I want and risking losing what I have. Maybe some day I will although I don't know what the point of fulfillment for this particular dream would bring but perhaps it is a lesson for the future. We'll see.

and good for you...

2005-12-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

Mmm, mmm good.

Meow

2005-12-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten.

Brokeback Mountain

2005-11-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

There is a sneak preview of Brokeback Mountain next Monday that I will be going to; and for free! You gotta love that.

Membership has it's privileges.

Run, don't walk

2005-11-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

This is the feeling that I have had for a while.

Sure it is hopelessly pessimistic and I am doing quite a bit to change my destiny but nevertheless I cannot help but feel that the ship is sinking, and well you ain't seen nothing yet.

I am trying to find a better job, albeit in the same market. I am planning on applying for grad school in the spring, though I know not how I will pay for it. I am trying to cut my current expenses and pay down my debts as aggressively as possible. There are other measures I could take but will for now continue to hope that I can eke this out.

I don't see it getting much better. After the dust settles which will not be for another 2 plus years the job landscape here in Michigan will be nothing like is was or even is. I have no doubt that shortly thereafter things will begin to get shaky for other reasons, reason that we now have control over but are wasting our last chance to remedy. Foreign policy, oil dependence, health care are just the obvious example of things that I fully expect to continue to plague us for years to come. Maybe becoming a pool boy isn't such a bad idea after all. Or am I too old to join the Peace Corps?

My advice to those not yet graduated from college. Stay as far away from automotive as humanly possible. Plan on moving out of Michigan. Expect to have greater hardships than your parents ever faced.

My advice to those that do not plan on going to college. Go.

It will be years before the market figures itself out and the new economic engine is fully up and running. Let's just hope that those of us in the thick of it can make it to the other side.

It's the journey stupid

2005-11-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

In my continual rush for things be now I find myself getting frustrated when that doesn't happen. I need to rember that it isn't going to happen over night and that I need to enjoy the process because that is what it is really all about anyway. Don't worry about the what-if but be prepared.

Second verse, same as the...

2005-10-31T21:08:00.000-05:00

Yet another interview with yet another company tomorrow. This one is for first thing in the morning so it is off to bed for me in a minute. Especially given that I don't have any coffee in the house (I keep meaning to go shopping) I have to get up early so that I have time to get the sleep out of my eyes and the crabby out of my...

I was freaking out most of the day trying to figure out how to handle a second interview with, yes yet one more company especially given the geographical restrictions but I managed to change it to Wednesday at 5. Not an ideal time to be running across town but if it all works out we'll see.

Stay tuned

World Record My Butt

2005-10-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

I hung out with Nicholas yesterday. We got to carve a pumpkin and play in the leaves. It was a nice diversion from the norm. Nicholas is a fun little kid, he'll be a firecracker when he grows up.

Part of the reason for the pumpkin carving was to enter it into a contest in town where they were trying to set a new World's Record. They needed more than 26,000 pumpkins to make a crack at it. Our pumpkin when entered at 7:20PM, little more than 30 minutes before the cut-off point, was number 1034. Needless to say they had a long way to go if they were to make a dent in the remaining time. Sure they had a lot more people down town on a Saturday than normal but I will venture to guess that few families with 3 year olds spent any appreciable time in any of the stores shopping - my presumed ulterior motive for such an event. Anyway, I had fun and there were some interesting entries so it twain't all that bad.

Maybe next year ...

Legend of Sleepy Howell

2005-10-29T13:31:00.000-04:00

Nicholas is with Nana and Papa this weekend. Nicholas is going to carve a pumpkin to add to the pumpkin contest in town. It should be a good time.

Out ye dreams

2005-10-29T11:27:00.000-04:00

Had another dream last night. This one was odd in that it was a dream itself. I was older as was A*. It was everything I had once hoped we would get to at some point but still I cannot understand why I have these dreams. We aren't together. He wants to focus un himself and I am trying to do the same. Though I must say that part of working on me is working on my relationship.

I do not know if I am not seeing some flaw that he saw. I do not know if he is too strong willed to bring himself to try again. I used to think that things would be better and easier for the both of use together rather than alone. (I suppose I still do) However I accept that I need to do it on my own. I do not want to let go but will for now. I will always love him but I cannot continue to hurt for something that I alone cannot fix. I need to focus my energies on me and my life. To all of you my love and prayers. I hope everyone can find that thing in life that gives meaning and happiness.

Until then,

Know that you're loved,

D

F A T

2005-10-24T11:27:00.000-04:00

The company that brought you the G A P and BR introduces FAT. I don’t know that this will go over well but hey, what do I know?