Merry Christmas

Christmas is here again.

Many of the traditions from years past continue and new one, presumably, have begun. 'A Jewish Christmas', which basically consists of going out for Chinese on Christmas Eve, was given a twist this year. This time we ate at a Thai place in Oak Park. Personally I prefer Thai anyway so I'm cool with it and the bonus was the owner of this Thai restaurant is gay so I may have found a new place to patronize.

Midnight mass at the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament was celebrated by the Cardinal. A good friend of mine was going so I figured why the hell not. The music was great though the acoustics didn't seem to be good for much else. Not that the Cardinal's homily was worth hearing anyway more a collection of the good archbishop's greatest hits than anything stirring, insightful or worth referencing in future text. I did like one small part wherein the homophobe himself used the analogy of Christmas and wanting and the wanting of acceptance and community. Maybe one day he'll listen to his own words.

Presents tomorrow at Nana & Papa's followed by who knows what. Good times.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a good night.

Holiday Wishes

Glen Ellen Weekend

Wa woo. I'm going to spend the weekend in Glen Ellen. How about you?

Life, The World & Everything Thereafter

I've had the opportunity to do quite a bit of reflection lately. My primary focus has been in general - life - though more importantly the imprint we leave on the world through our living and what we leave behind with others; in not only the daily impression we place upon others with our interactions, but in the things we leave behind.

How we conduct ourselves when we deal with others has a lasting impact far after we have moved on to other things. At our jobs and with our personal relationships how we react to others and how we treat those around us can make our lives better or worse and the same for them. Most basically it can determine if we are hired, if we keep our jobs or if we are the one of a dozen candidates chosen for promotion. The same is true with relationships, if we get into, keep and grow relationships with others can be greatly affected by sometimes even the most subtle of our actions. How we are remembered even after years can be affected by our actions of one short moment.

Now more than ever the reverberations of our existence can stay with us even after death. Even before stumbling across a myspace profile of a now dead, gay man I had already begun to think more than mere passing thought should be put into what we put into the public domain. Would you be embarrassed if someone you loved came across your profile after you had died? It isn't within our power to know when we might pass and though not likely to happen for many years to come it could just as likely be this hour.

To that end I hope to begin anew. Live every day to it's fullest and as if it were the last, leaving nothing unsaid that should have been said nothing undone that could have been complete. Leading with my best foot forward, hoping for the best impression to be left behind and leaving this world better than when I found it.

Ambitious I know and I will not always succeed, to be certain, but it is a goal, after all if we aim at nothing we will hit it.

From Zero to Angry in Record Time

I got my pee-pee slapped today at work. It seems that, and by seems I mean it actually happened, I offended one of my co-workers with a rather curt response. In my defense it was the third time in as many weeks I was asked to forward some information. And for the third time in response to the request I stated that the information did not exist. However this time for added measure I followed that up with "WHAT PART OF 'IT DOESN'T EXIST' DON'T YOU GET?!?" Needless to say it wasn't to long after that my boss was asking me about the very issue and requesting that I send the requisite information to the plant. Before I could even foment a response that was followed up with a goodly reminder that they were in the process of letting people go and I need not help them in the decision making process more.

Now I will admit that I should be more politic about what I say and how I react and I want to defend myself with a long list of things that would most definitely include "I hate stupid people" but I won't because the truth is that it is a fact of life that there will always be stupid people and they will always be in the way, and unfortunately they out number the rest of us, which gives them a certain amount of power and control. If I don't learn to deal with 'em I will never get ahead.

I honestly think that of late I have been better at how I handle most situations it's just that when I do react I do so which lightning quick speed and equal voracity.

It is something that I need to work on and recognize that my fate is tied to my ability to adjust my temperament. There is plenty that I could write about on this and probably will but for now I have other pressing matters.

Until next time.

Quote of the Week

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Maybe a bit too much with the religious references, just replace God with Cosmic Muffin if that helps ya. Do whatever it takes...

A Christmas Explotion

Started putting up my Christmas tree today but half way through realize the lights I had would be insufficient and was only able to get half the tree put up, because as any good faux tree built and put together knows the lights should go on as you build the tree, and the lights should go on before ya do the lights which of course means we facing a delay of game. In the mean time I have branches and tree parts and boxes of ornaments though out the living room. And with the tree taking up the little remaining room in the house I'm really pushing it.

Of course things would be easier if I didn't have a POS entrainment center that was half falling apart half weighing a ton that got in the way. Add that to my list of things ya'll can buy for me. And a new Aquos. Any takers?!?

Serenity Now, Serenity Now!

Can't sleep. Haven't been able to sleep for weeks now. I max out at about 4-plus hours per night. Everything that I've tried to do just isn't working. Extra long sessions at the gym just make me fatigued but not tired. The strongest sedative that I have is Tylenol PM, which still doesn't seem to do much and is probably not the brightest thing to take after midnight if I want to function in the AM. Not that I have ever been a morning person anyway but really I probably need to start thinking about taking something at an earlier hour. Genius don't cha think? Alcohol is a decent sedative, for most people, but lets be honest me and a stiff drink equal many things, sleepy is not one of them. Actually it has been almost two months since I've really tied one on and God willing it will have been the last. Like much of the rest of my ill spent youth that belongs to days gone by.

Since I'm in a letting go kind of a mind there are some other items in my personal inventory that I would like to get rid of. This may be a touch unconventional, or not, but writing has always been my thing so here goes. Fuck You. You want me to be happy? Fuck you. You love me? Fuck you, you lying shithead. I was happy. I was in the best place I had ever been, I was finally pushing through some of my greatest insecurities stepping further out onto the limb than I had ever done before and for that I got you. You were keenly aware of my precarious situation and instead of assisting you shook the tree. Of course not before you got what you needed but then that's always been part of your nature too hasn't it? Well thanks and fuck you. I loved you. I still do. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. When I think about the good times I smile. When I think about the bad times I don't think about the shitty things you did, how you messed with my mind, lied to me and played on my weaknesses. I don't reflect on how I knew long before the end how this would finish. I only remember how I got played for the fool. I do remember how every instinct in my being told me you were the one and how it made my heart flutter and my skin tingle. I remember I was wrong.

So what comes of it? I don't trust. I don't trust you, others or myself. I don't believe in others. Everyone have ulterior motives. Everyone are selfish. I won't make those mistakes again, I'll guarantee you that. Thanks. You made me stronger!?! Fuck you.

Why now you may ask. Maybe because I have recognized that I have not completely let go; because I've realized that I still carry a lot of shit around with me and I want to check that bag. I have thought that this was over but every time I see something that reminds me of you the first thing that strikes me is how even when you were 'here' you were somewhere else. My heart drops and my stomache flips. Maybe because I know I need to be able to move on and when the Right guy comes around I want to be ready for him. I don't want to miss out on one more thing because of how you affect me.

It is going to take a long time to get my trust back. I just hope that I do.

I'll admit and you know that I too bare some responsibility, but I do not and will not shoulder the full burden. I'm doing what I can and I'll move on. My life will someday be everything that I've imagined and more, then you will have lost out. We could have had a life together it's too bad we'll never know what could have been.

Wow that feels better... I'm not angry, just a little sad. This too shall pass.

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke

until then, know that you're loved,

D

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown

Snow or Sun

I was this close to getting on a plane this afternoon to spend the weekend in Glen Ellen. It was a slow afternoon and fiddling around on line and just decided to check on flights to SFO. Unfortunately the only affordable flights didn't get me there until well past mid-night and Northwest's only direct flight (for that matter the only direct flight period) was pushing a grand. Still it was a nice idea and I'll probably check on a regular basis and will probably find myself gaunting off to San Francisco sooner than I think. I've gotten pretty use to the red-eye flight home and love the fact that I can leave work after a full day on Friday spend the weekend in wine-country and be back to work Monday morning. I just need to plan ahead, but spur of the moment just has something about it. Anyone out there wanna buy my ticket?

(Product ) RED

I've finally upgraded my phone and did a good thing in the process. My previous phone was old
but it still worked, mostly. Even I was getting tired of others telling me to speak up even when I was practically screaming into the mic. My new Razor should hopefully work for the foreseeable future. Plus it's the (RED) Razor so theoretically I made a small contribution to help reduce AIDS in Africa. I'd be interested to see what kind of proceeds result from this project, even if it does end up being a small amount it is better than nothing I suppose.

One minor technicality is given the way my old phone stored information, in particular text messages I've realized that I lost the numbers of a few people. Not too many but one or two that I never called but did text on occasion. Hopefully I'll get a message some day and can reprogram things. Otherwise, Oops sorry!

'til next time...