I opine

It is unfortunate what happened in West Virginia. I heard plenty of coverage on NPR which got me thinking. Sure there were mistakes made and the mining company should be held accountable but... In my opinion it was irresponsible for the officials on hand to have not said something the minute they realized there was some confusion about the report of survivors, that said we don't yet know to what degree the confusion existed, and some leeway should be granted to them to take a moment to verify the second report that their initial information was incorrect. This is the mistake they made, in that they did not absolutely confirm the first report of survivors. The same burden should be put to the media, one of the fundamental tenants of reporting is to confirm information before releasing that information for public consumption. Then it was reported that some of the victims families were so enraged at the company officials that the officials were assaulted. Then the families had the nerve to say the officials didn't apologize, how could they under such circumstance. Sorry folks you can't have it both ways. Oh, the families were under incredible stress and acted irrationally during a very trying moment? I would like to think it was the same for the officials...

Deep Breaths

I've been planning out my schedule for this coming week trying to incorporate as many things as possible that I know I need to do without going into overload.

I am not going to get to my goals over night so I can take it in steps. So I have my gym bag packed and I have a yoga class that I can go to so that is a great start. I wish I was more into yoga right now 'cause my upper back is killing me and aside from A* no one could ever get it right so it's hurt'n.

I've actually be thinking and reflecting and I am going to seriously make a push to incorporate Yoga as a more central part of my daily routine. I NEED inner peace and I definitly do not have that right now. I know that this part of the year is difficult but I need to be stronger. I'm starting a new year and need to seize on to this as a new begining to get back to those things that I've wanted and know I can do.

I don't need to be 130lbs again, although I wouldn't mind the 28" waist that went along with it. I don't need a boyfriend but I now that I want to share my life with someone (and I assume that to be a boyfriend) But neither of those things, nor some variation thereof will happen tomorrow. I cannot say that I will ever get there, I do not know what will happen in the future. I do know that there will be good things to come and here's looking forward to them.

Namaste

Unspoken

An unexpected "gift"

This great adventure begins
At the foot of my bed
I'll stake claim to you
If you'll discover me
Like a fire in a snowstorm
Our skin casts a contrast
The hell of August's heat
Tamed by a tingling spine
Where words lead to worry
My eyes are you minds mirror
We fantasize and realize
The crash of this crush
We suffer the solace of sheets
The sweetness of sweat
The lingering of lush lips
Hot, honey covered and hungry
Fingers that flex and fold
In a tangle of good intentions
The necessity of this need
Has us tied up and trusting
But with Appolo's Alarm
This memory is set in motion
A love I cannot undo
And I was only passing through

Thank you, and I'm sorry. I cannot explain this maybe someday...

Happy New Year

"Now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been." Rilke

Imagine the possibilities!

No pressure...

So here's the thing. I know my writing hasn't been Pulitzer material lately and at the same time you won't find much that I write in the annals of gay sex conquests as many of the other blogs out there. So it doesn't help when I figured out that my blog is one of the few that come up on Queerfliter for Michigan. WTF.

Anyway I don't know that I will be writing differently but then again it may serve as an incentive to do so. We'll see.

Moment of what?

Well if you were looking for Zen don't look to me. I couldn't take much more than 10 minutes at Pronto tonight before I had my fill. Never mind there were plenty of people there that couldn't be bothered with me the were enough friends there to help offset anything trivial in that arena I simply don't care for the crowd. I'm not there to hook up and or meet someone. I don't know that I am ready for that anyway but I really don't expect that it will happen at a meat market bar. I was there to hang out with friends plain and simple, but the crowds weren't conducive to that. Maybe some day just not now.

Of course that begs the question that if I cannot handle P's on a regular night will I be in any position to cope with NYE. If I do go out it will be crowds of a level far greater. It is of course something that I need to think through and get my head around and also know that I can leave whenever I choose. Nevertheless I'm glad I have options and time still to decide.

Dinner with the gang was nice. Here's hoping there will be more casual gatherings, which let's face it are more my speed anyway.

Still life

Of course immediately a couple of things come to mind.

First and foremost is another part of my resolution list. That being getting more serious about photography. This will be problematic inasmuch as I do not currently have an operating camera but that can be remedied and as soon as I have other debts taken care of, which if things work out could start seeing some progress in the early part of next year. I would like to participate in the Photo-A-Day challenge by a group from DPChallenge. In that I have never contributed to DPC perhaps I should aim for that first before getting too crazy. All the same I want to get back into it, and if I can manage it I will in the early part of 2006. Not all resolutions have to start on New Year's Day, after all. I'd love to have a new camera now and a fancy one at that but again I need to learn to walk first right?!?

The second is more of the same. Yoga. Relaxation. Meditation. I am working on letting go. I hold on to things and thoughts that I can no longer do anything about. That's not to say that I will stop caring or close my heart off the world around me but I need to accept that there is far more that I can never control and thus need to let go of the idea that I need to try. There are so many things that I can effect and I should start focusing on them.

'til next time

Namaste

Making a list

I've spent the majority of the day reflecting on the last year and thinking about the next. There are plenty of things that I cannot undo or change but there are plenty of things that I can try to get right in the coming year. Try being the key word there, my goal being progress not perfection. And while on that though perfection is certainly something to aspire toward knowing, as I do, that it is an almost unattainable goal helps temper me in my aims; wishing to simply make improvements, small though they may be at time, on a day by day basis.

I have already tried to reincorporating the gym on my daily routine. I'd like to start doing yoga on a more regular basis as well, unfortunately neither gym offers it at a time that works for me at the moment, though I might look at adding it in at lunch - we'll see. Every time that I've practice I have felt more calm and at peace. There have even been occasions where I have been brought to tears. I truly do not fully comprehend the how's and why's of what happens but it seems to work. Besides there has been more than one occasion when I have been sore for days afterward not unlike any other good gym workout. I would try to practice by myself, as I have in the past however I am too self aware of my novice status and recognize the need to have an instructor. Having a gentle nudge from time to time can't hurt either.

Baron Baptiste is a great writer as well as yoga guru. His book is definitely not something a begin should buy and then think they can do some of the positions in without first reading the book, understanding his wisdom and the long practice. If you are luck enough to have an instructor that knows can help guide your practice I highly recommend that you stick with them and if you feel the need to expand your practice through study "Journey Into Power" is a strong book to use.

Good intentions...

Not wanting to waste the time off this week and still not having much more than two nickels to rub together I am working on finalizing the many home projects I had begun some time back before many of the things that have happened since then. (Many of those things you will note are not here within) At any rate I decided to add to my many list of tasks the slow drain in the bath room. There are those that claimed that it was due to my using the sink in the bath room as a utility sink. Being a somewhat obstinate sort I hold to the belief that the water soluble paint dissolved into the water and thus could not act to restrict the flow of water, but then what do I know I only have a degree in Chemical Engineering.

I digress...

"Suggest, Ask, Force."

Having already tried several forms of chemical persuasion to help clear the drain I determined that it was time for more persuasive measures. Hoping to trying something short of the brute force method I decided to remove the trap to see if there was anything blocking the flow. In doing so I simultaneously determined the cause of the problem, and made that problem irrelevant. In removing the trap the corroded connections broke. ...in replacing the pipe and connecting the wall drain (also broke in process) I determined the 6 some-odd inches of level drain leading into the wall was the primary cause to the slow drain. Concessions to the fact that there had to be material to build up to cause a blockage in the first place but, given that I doubt greatly, much had been done in years in the way of preventive maintenance this was a problem that had its due.

After much swearing and a couple of trips to the Home Depot I hope to have this one task off my list.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Got to see a seek preview of 'Memoirs of a Geisha' the other night. It is definitely a movie worth seeing. The set design of the Japanese village was breath taking, particularly for one who is drawn to all things zen. It is a good story on love, loss and managing the desires of life and the realities we all live within. It is after all "not called Memoirs of an Empress"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone was able to relax and enjoy even a moment of peace today.  Christmas has always been about family to me and I am glad that most of my family was home to celebrate the day together.  My sis of course could not but we were able to talk for a while and her mother-in-sorta law made the trek out to San Francisco so she had some degree of family.

I am looking forward to the new year and a chance toward new starts.  I have been slowly build to getting back into me.  Doing things for me and get me back on track.  If it means being selfish to an extent then so be it.  I cannot yet trust my judgment to allow myself to begin dating again.  I am still to wounded from the past year and do not want to make some of the same mistakes I’ve made.  

As usual I want to try and contribute on a more regular basis to this blog.  We’ll see if I keep it up or not.  I may drop this all together too.  If nothing I do need to learn to let go maybe here would be a good start.  Time will tell.

Until next time, to all a good night.

The Decompression Blog

Back from my all too brief trip to San Francisco. It was nice to get away and spend time with C&C. I was their first "real" visitor to their new place out there. Their roommate was back in St. Louis for the weekend so I even had a bed to sleep in.

Castro
Saturday we hung out in the Castro. My sis works at a laundry mat/coffee shop called Sit n' Spin which has free wi-fi so it's actually a fun place to hang-out while waiting for the spin cycle to finish. Of course you could just as easily cross the street to any one of the local bars but... Unfortunately there was a glitch on the camera I was using and all of my photos from that day in the Castro are gone. So be it

Saturday night we went bar hopping starting in North Beach (Little Italy) and working our way back to the Castro. Some of the places the girls had not yet been to, others where their favorites.

"The Bar" was a pretty cool place, we got there perhaps a bit early as the there were few boys there and the ones that were well... let's just say I was more interested in the interior decorating.


"Moby Dick" is a small little place that really would have fit in almost anywhere, with a good mix of men and women but again there wasn't much to really go crazy over, there were some handsome older guys there all the same though it was like an everyday bar. To tell the truth I was enjoying my time with the girls so it wasn't too much of a disappointment at all that the distractions were few and far between.

We took the 33, or was it the 37 back to Haight-Asbury past Twin Peaks - "My dog barks some" - and ended the evening at Traxx. Traxx is their local gay watering hole just a couple of blocks from their place. Like many of the other bars in the area it was small, but not overly crowded. I am guessing that since it was more of a bar than a club explains the majority of why there wasn't a larger gay boi contingent.

Shopping Downtown
Since A* had given me a BR Friends & Family discount card we decided to hit the store downtown. Somerset has NOTHING on this place. It was overwhelming, and I am fairly certain there wasn't one piece of the collection that wasn't somewhere in the store. Unfortunately the discount couldn't be used with my gift certificate so I didn't get the deal I was hoping for and am wishing I hadn't bought the outfit I did now. Ah well now I have a nice winter getup. My sis had to work that day so her fiancee and I wandered around town and saw the sights. As neither of us knew the MUNI system well enough to get around we hiked it for the afternoon. I thought it would be nice to take some pictures of the city and just get to hang out one-on-one with her so this worked out well. We made it to Lombard street the three blocks from Columbus alone wiped us out for the rest of the day. Eventually we figured out the right bus line to take to get back downtown and headed home. I wasn't feeling completely up to getting crazy that evening and was glad to just hang out at one of the many local eateries that night. Where I even got to watch a belly dancer. I just didn't know there were actually suppossed to have bellies.

Japanese Tea Garden
One of the places I wanted to see was the Tea Garden. The garden itself is over one hundred years old so I could never begin to hope to have such a manicured tranquil spot. I got some definite ideas for things that I might do differently or add to my patio/backyard to give it more of that sense of peace. As with every other sight in town the place was just short of mobbed and between that and my obsession with taking photos I doubt I enjoyed it nearly as well as I may, nevertheless it was a beautiful little retreat. There is something about the inner beauty and spirituality of a garden like this that calms me like most nothing else can. I truly wish I could feel as comfortable pretty much every day like I did when I was there.

In sum
All in all I had a great trip. It was completely spur of the moment and with a $200 airfare I couldn't pass it up. I was glad to spend time with my sister and her girlfriend. I know they are both a bit homesick and will not be making it back for the holidays so it was a special bonus that I did not start my new job this week. Overall my impression of San Francisco is less the gay Meccah it is made out to be and more of a progressively alternative metropolis with it's enclave of gays as any large city might have. I didn't realy go for the men which is perhaps a good thing as most seemed to be older and old school(think of some of the past stereotypes.) I saw many of the things that I set out to, it would have only been better if I had been able to bring someone with me. Maybe someday...

We now return to our regularly scheduled Blog

Ok I think I got it back to where the blog was a few days ago. My guess is there were a number of glitches that were all coming together that made for a messed up page. I am toying with the idea of reinstating some of the features I was trying to upgrade when I messed things up before. Trial and error and fewer distractions and I should be able to get this to be better than before.

I am feeling refreshed and have lots of thoughts so just as soon as I can I will try to give ya'll the skinny on my trip and all dat.

Please stand by...

We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties,(I knew I shouldn't have tried to post while on vacation) hopefully I can figure out why I cannot see the blog. Which of course begs the question - can you? Maybe it is the computer that I am on right now and not so much the site itself. I guess I won't know for a few more days.

'til then I'll keep trying.

D

Cheryl

Cheryl

Golden Gate Park

Golden Gate

Maybe next time I can take a picture that isn't directly ino the sun.

Life thru Dreams

Had an interesting dream last night. It felt pretty real, but in the morning I knew it wasn't and realized that I wouldn't have done what I did in my dream. It would be nice if I could stand up for myself and take certain risks. It is a balance between getting more of what I want and risking losing what I have. Maybe some day I will although I don't know what the point of fulfillment for this particular dream would bring but perhaps it is a lesson for the future. We'll see.

and good for you...

Mmm, mmm good.

Meow

Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten.

Brokeback Mountain

There is a sneak preview of Brokeback Mountain next Monday that I will be going to; and for free! You gotta love that.

Membership has it's privileges.