A Christmas Explotion

Started putting up my Christmas tree today but half way through realize the lights I had would be insufficient and was only able to get half the tree put up, because as any good faux tree built and put together knows the lights should go on as you build the tree, and the lights should go on before ya do the lights which of course means we facing a delay of game. In the mean time I have branches and tree parts and boxes of ornaments though out the living room. And with the tree taking up the little remaining room in the house I'm really pushing it.

Of course things would be easier if I didn't have a POS entrainment center that was half falling apart half weighing a ton that got in the way. Add that to my list of things ya'll can buy for me. And a new Aquos. Any takers?!?

Serenity Now, Serenity Now!

Can't sleep. Haven't been able to sleep for weeks now. I max out at about 4-plus hours per night. Everything that I've tried to do just isn't working. Extra long sessions at the gym just make me fatigued but not tired. The strongest sedative that I have is Tylenol PM, which still doesn't seem to do much and is probably not the brightest thing to take after midnight if I want to function in the AM. Not that I have ever been a morning person anyway but really I probably need to start thinking about taking something at an earlier hour. Genius don't cha think? Alcohol is a decent sedative, for most people, but lets be honest me and a stiff drink equal many things, sleepy is not one of them. Actually it has been almost two months since I've really tied one on and God willing it will have been the last. Like much of the rest of my ill spent youth that belongs to days gone by.

Since I'm in a letting go kind of a mind there are some other items in my personal inventory that I would like to get rid of. This may be a touch unconventional, or not, but writing has always been my thing so here goes. Fuck You. You want me to be happy? Fuck you. You love me? Fuck you, you lying shithead. I was happy. I was in the best place I had ever been, I was finally pushing through some of my greatest insecurities stepping further out onto the limb than I had ever done before and for that I got you. You were keenly aware of my precarious situation and instead of assisting you shook the tree. Of course not before you got what you needed but then that's always been part of your nature too hasn't it? Well thanks and fuck you. I loved you. I still do. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. When I think about the good times I smile. When I think about the bad times I don't think about the shitty things you did, how you messed with my mind, lied to me and played on my weaknesses. I don't reflect on how I knew long before the end how this would finish. I only remember how I got played for the fool. I do remember how every instinct in my being told me you were the one and how it made my heart flutter and my skin tingle. I remember I was wrong.

So what comes of it? I don't trust. I don't trust you, others or myself. I don't believe in others. Everyone have ulterior motives. Everyone are selfish. I won't make those mistakes again, I'll guarantee you that. Thanks. You made me stronger!?! Fuck you.

Why now you may ask. Maybe because I have recognized that I have not completely let go; because I've realized that I still carry a lot of shit around with me and I want to check that bag. I have thought that this was over but every time I see something that reminds me of you the first thing that strikes me is how even when you were 'here' you were somewhere else. My heart drops and my stomache flips. Maybe because I know I need to be able to move on and when the Right guy comes around I want to be ready for him. I don't want to miss out on one more thing because of how you affect me.

It is going to take a long time to get my trust back. I just hope that I do.

I'll admit and you know that I too bare some responsibility, but I do not and will not shoulder the full burden. I'm doing what I can and I'll move on. My life will someday be everything that I've imagined and more, then you will have lost out. We could have had a life together it's too bad we'll never know what could have been.

Wow that feels better... I'm not angry, just a little sad. This too shall pass.

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke

until then, know that you're loved,

D

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown

Snow or Sun

I was this close to getting on a plane this afternoon to spend the weekend in Glen Ellen. It was a slow afternoon and fiddling around on line and just decided to check on flights to SFO. Unfortunately the only affordable flights didn't get me there until well past mid-night and Northwest's only direct flight (for that matter the only direct flight period) was pushing a grand. Still it was a nice idea and I'll probably check on a regular basis and will probably find myself gaunting off to San Francisco sooner than I think. I've gotten pretty use to the red-eye flight home and love the fact that I can leave work after a full day on Friday spend the weekend in wine-country and be back to work Monday morning. I just need to plan ahead, but spur of the moment just has something about it. Anyone out there wanna buy my ticket?

(Product ) RED

I've finally upgraded my phone and did a good thing in the process. My previous phone was old
but it still worked, mostly. Even I was getting tired of others telling me to speak up even when I was practically screaming into the mic. My new Razor should hopefully work for the foreseeable future. Plus it's the (RED) Razor so theoretically I made a small contribution to help reduce AIDS in Africa. I'd be interested to see what kind of proceeds result from this project, even if it does end up being a small amount it is better than nothing I suppose.

One minor technicality is given the way my old phone stored information, in particular text messages I've realized that I lost the numbers of a few people. Not too many but one or two that I never called but did text on occasion. Hopefully I'll get a message some day and can reprogram things. Otherwise, Oops sorry!

'til next time...

World AIDS Day

When it's good to be Red

Just a quick note to bring to your attention the new Red, which is actually acceptable particullarly if you're Blue. It's a new twist on an old idea, it's not a charity it's a business model, they are just being up front about it. Let's hope they are able to make a difference.

I'm glad that there has been so much focus on AIDS in Africa lately. Americans always seem to feel that if it isn't happening in their backyard it doesn't affect them. The sad truth is today that what happens halfway around the world does have an impact on each and every one of us. It may not be as immediate as something that can be witnessed as it occurs but fact is eventually what is happening in Africa will come-back to haunt us. I am sure there are those that could care less about Africa because of the people there are African and again that vision and appathy is greatly short sighted. Aside from the shear inhumanity of doing nothing is the fact that someday this epidemic will almost certainly reach a size that simply cannot be contained. Their will be no cure, there can only be a vaxcine and what will be the cost to vaxcinate 7 billion people? What will it take to open peoples eyes? What amount of loss will need to be suffered before we are spurned to action and will it be too late?

Take my factory, please...

I've said it before, that one of the Big Three will not be within the coming 5 years. I may be overly pessimistic, and I certainly hope I am wrong but I am not optimistic. Today Ford announced it would leverage its assets as collateral for an 18 billion dollar loan. Do you understand the magnitude of that loan?!? Not only in the amount by cash but in the degree of risk? I shutter to think what will happen if things turn more sour, as if that is possible. One question however, if Ford cannot sell-off some of its facilities now, why would anyone want them for collateral?

At the same time tonight is the deadline for eligible employees of Ford to accept buy-outs. The hope is sufficient numbers will leave the payroll to at least eliminate the jobs bank, and allow for future plant closures without the usual pain. Of course tomorrow begins the lay-offs to make up the difference if enough haven't decided to leave. I know there will be lay-offs at my office this week, I think I will be OK, but you never know.

It's a great time to work in the auto industry.

Restricted

Restricted, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

Spent the afternoon taking photos of the city. I was initially reluctant but once I got into the swing of things I really enjoyed myself. Having a tripod really helps capture better pictures, especially at dusk. Driving there I kept thinking that I just needed to not worry what others might think or say and just take the photos. Ironically when I got to the Michigan Central Station I realized crowds wouldn't be my problem. With the exception of a hand ful of homeless wandering around I was by myself, which of course made me feel just as awkward albeit for entirely different reasons.

The beauty and grandeur of the old building amid the neglect and decay that is Detroit is so sad. I hope that I can capture many more buildings from many more angles.

Fotografia

I got a new tripod today and am eagerly looking forward to using it. I've tried a couple of times to take pictures at dusk and dawn but the vast majority end up blurry 'cause I cannot hold the camera that steady. Now my only issue will being able to let go of being self conscience when I go out to take photos. I can't explain it I just feel like everyone is paying attention to me when I have a camera in my hands. The interesting part is that I also feel like I enjoy having my camera because it allows me to hide behind it. I know it doesn't make sense, I know; it's just who I is...

I could just play the "pro" angle, after all I wouldn't mind being able to make some money from this in the long run, so I may as well act the part. Or I could just not worry about what others think. HA wouldn't that be great!

Anyway.

Until next time, know that you're loved,

D

Thought of the week

Religion is for people that want to go to heaven.
Spirituality is for peole that have been to hell, and never want to go back.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Pirates in tawny waters, originally uploaded by jmpznz.

Arrgh. Avst yee maties I hope you had a jolly day!

That reminds me that I need to figure out what I am going to wear to the pirate party. Everyone needs to dress like a pirate, it ought to be fun. Can you say scallywag?

Then of course there is the small matter of Halloween in San Francisco, what to wear, what to wear??? I'll be taking suggestions.

Sonoma

sonoma, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

Wouldn't it be nice if this were my place?

Neighborly Love

Neighborly Love, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

So I'm somewhat floored by what my neighbors have done recently. In fact I'm not even sure when they put this flag up but it has to have been very recently. Needless to say I am beside myself. Are they that stupid? Am I wrong to interpret their flag as an indicator that they are nothing less than intolerant and racist? Is this flag in response to, and in support of, proposal 2; that would eliminate affirmative action in government hiring and university admissions? It would be one thing if we lived in the South, were they just can't help themselves. But for God's sake we are closer to the 45th parallel than the Mason-Dixon line, is there ANY other way to take this than they are a bunch of haters? Should I be afraid or should I just laugh? What the FUCK!?!

I thought the fact that my pride flag obscured my view of their flag was fitting irony.

Is it bad to be intolerant of intolerant people?

By the way am I the only one who has noticed that Michigan's Anti-gay Marraige Amendment was also Proposal 2?

AIDS Walk 2006

AIDS Walk Detroit 2006

Thank you to everyone that contributed. I met my goal and some.

It was interesting, I've noticed that I no longer have the extreme sense of guilt or sadness that I once had. I remember the first time I volunteered with the walk and watched a mother and father present a panel for the AIDS quilt of their son who had recently died. Oh how I cried. Now I walked through the display and reflected but was not moved. There were fewer and fewer recent deaths as part of the quilt and some panels that were not memorials to individuals at all. Maybe this is a good thing but I cannot help to think that this is just a lull. Someday the virus could mutate to fight off most current medications and the death rate will again be devastating. I believe already that many feel that to be HIV positive is not so bad. No thank you. Between the side affects, the social rejection - predominately from our own community these day - the cost, 'cause these drug are not cheap and the fact that you could still die from it I think I'll pass.

True I sometimes feel like it couldn't happen to me, I've taken some risks in my past, I only number a handful of people personally who are infected, and only one with full blown AIDS, but I do not know anyone personally who has past away because of the disease. Though I have never known a sexual world without this plague I suppose in a way it is like many other things. Everything eventually becomes old news and is no longer page one. While I do not want to read about the doom and gloom of the worst off I think it is worth reminding so that someday this problem may go away.

One can only hope.

Fog Advisory

IMG_0506, originally uploaded by Photo dLight.

We had a fog advisory this morning and it got me thinking of a land far, far away. I never fail to have a good time while I'm out there. Admittedly it has always been short trips on vacation but still there is something about the place that I like, and it's more the just the overwhelming number of gay men.

Last night I posted my resume on Monster to see what there may be out in the area. Not really pursuing anything actively but rather waiting to see what might come to me, at least for now. My only mistake so far is leaving Michigan as a selected location. I've already received three calls in the first 24 hours. Weren't we in a recession?

I'll drink to that!

According to a new study those that drink make more money that those that don't.

Wo who!

Of course the key point of the study indicates that it is because of the connection with colleagues, customers and business associates that is developed over a few frosty ones that is what makes all the difference. In other words drinking alone or getting smashed at the bar with the girls doesn't count.

You couldn't pay me to drink with my customer and many of my colleagues wouldn't want to drink with me, so... guess I better find a different way of getting ahead.

Late Night Sparty

Late Night Sparty #2, originally uploaded by O Caritas.

New MSU GLBT Alumni Association to Host Sept. 30 Homecoming Reception

The newly-formed association for GLBT Alumni of Michigan State University will host a reception for GLBT alumni near the university’s East Lansing campus immediately following the Sept. 30 homecoming football game. The reception will take place at the James B. Henry Center for Executive Development at 3535 Forest Road, part of the University Club/Candlewood Suites complex just south of the Forest Akers Golf Course and approximately two miles south of campus. All MSU GLBT alumni, their family and friends are welcome. A cash bar will be available and hors d’oeuvres will be provided.

8 weeks from today

Governor Granholm, originally uploaded by T.W.I.T..

It's time to vote again. Eight short weeks from tonight it will be too late. Educate yourself, learn the issues that will be on your local ballot, get to know the candidates as best you can and vote. I of course have my preferences but vote your conscience. All I ask is that when you vote do not only think of today and the next year but tomorrow and 30 years from now. Changing a political tide is like turning an aircraft carrier, it doesn't turn on a dime. Decisions made today have the potential to reverberate for decades to come. Where will you be? What world will you want to live in? How can you start to change the course of the world to get there today?

If you still haven't registered to vote there is still time. In Michigan you must be registered 30 days prior to the election. Click here to register.

Want to know what your ballot will look like? Chick here.

en memoriam

WTC 2006 - 1, originally uploaded by socs.

for all of the things that now never will be, let us not forget

Steppin' OUT

Hey gang,

I know, I know long time no read for many of you. Suffice to say things have been busy – or I have been overly distracted lately. Anyway I wanted to remind ya’ll about this year’s AIDS Walk Detroit in Royal Oak on Sunday 17 September. After taking last year off I will again be participating this year and have set a rather ambitious goal of $1000. In past years I’ve come awfully close to that amount and in all I have raised well over $3000 in the past five years. None of this could have been done with out your help though and I’m hoping this year may be no different. If you would like to make a donation this year it is as easy as clicking on the link below.

Whether you choose to give $10 or $100 every dollar will go to helping those affected by HIV/AIDS. Your support is greatly appreciated.

http://www.firstgiving.com/dlight

I hope this letter finds you in great spirits and health, I hope to talk to many of you soon. Let me know how you are doing in your own corner of the universe. Until then…

Know that you're loved,

D

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown