Wow so again I’m not so good at the keeping things updated. That will change though. I’ve been far too lackadaisical about too many things of late. I’ve been coasting through life letting a lot of things slide. Well did I ever get a wake up call yesterday. I need to reign it in and bring things back under control. Don’t ask me how I’m going to do that while in México next week, I’ll figure it out. I want to post more too. Even I get a kick out of reading some of them – how things change! Actually there are a few things that are written but not yet published. (It’s the perfectionist in me)

So I am going to Toluca next week. I don’t necessarily want to but hey it’s my job right?!? At least I can rack up some more air-miles and have most of my expenses paid for which really shouldn’t be that much but it does add up.

Going to the Auto Show tonight. I can’t wait to see my car. After working on it for the last two years it is going to be a real treat to see it in public. A* and I will be heading down there. He likes cars almost as much as I do. Perhaps more. I know he loves the convertible, if anything should ever happen to me I know where that car would go.

Ran into Buzz and Joe last night at Pronto!. Which as usual is anything but. Buzz was making eyes with a cute little Czech boy. He was more interested in his ability to get him a green card. (Go figure) Joe wanted to meet a boy at the bar but was too afraid to talk to him. I walked up and did my best for God and country and failed miserably at it. I chalk it up to Joe just wasn’t his type. So at least I went home happy. Sucks to be them, and not in a good way. K-hole was out too. Drinking his peach martini’s and stalking his next victim, I’m sure. I don’t doubt he fared well. He is continually has these little random events, which if it works for him great but seriously isn’t that just too much work? I suppose if you treat it more like a hobby and get off on the hunt why shouldn’t he like it? To each his own…

Happy New Year!

Time to blow through all those resolutions you've made. Actually I didn't make any this year. There is a method to my madness though and I hope that it works. First of all New Year's was spent in Toronto again this year. This is a place were no resolution stands much chance - at least those of the self-improvement/be a better person kind, but that is another story. While I have not committed myself to any one resolution I do intend to work on those things that I want made better. Be it a bad habit or character flaw I want to try everyday to do better than the last to be the person I think I should be. No easy task to be sure but, then if it was easy we would all do it. So for now I will take it in steps, some have already begun others in time this will be a good year.

Gaps

OK I've been in Mexico for the better part of the last month. Miami and the White Party in between. Either the next year will result in a better blog or I'll give it up. Life is usually so busy that time doesn't always allow for less productive time on the net. I haven't even had time to check my e-mail much lately.

I'm in love though so it's all good.

Happy Holiday's

And the "Light"?!?

OK so I've read over the last post now and realized I need more detail.

The elections are over. Yea! We lost. Oh well. The thing about that is in no time there will be another election the Dems are already stumping hard and the primary is only a few short months away. I need to finalize Gary’s post-campaign statements this week. Numbers aren’t balancing and I might have to spend a significant amount of time with the bank to figure things out. I spoke with him yesterday about this and he implied that he intended to run again in two years. Whether I’m there too remains to be seen. It isn’t as though I would not support him it’s the over commitment thing. We’ll see.

I’ve spent a great deal of time with A*. I know I’ve already fallen for him. I need to be patient and pace myself though. I do not want to smother him, which I know I could easily do, he’s just so, well he is, trust me. He has a large group of friends and I know that he has not seen some of them of late because he has spent more time with me. That is natural, I think. At the same time it is an adjustment and I just need to acknowledge that. I need “me” time just as much so it works. All things being equal on a grander scheme of things point of view long term is where it’s at.

It needs to be an early one for me – off to Windsor tomorrow morning.

The Darkness

My, my, my it has been a while hasn’t it…

Unfortunately some of the most interesting things happen to me when I’m away, or at least in the real world. I’ve not had the time nor the inclination to sit in front of my computer much lately. A* says that I’ve spread myself thin. To a degree he is right. However I think of times when I haven’t had much of anything going on and I just haven’t always been much into sitting in front of a computer for hours. I do that every day at work. The last thing I need is to do the same thing at home. I need to be busy that is for certain. A lot of those reasons have much to do with who I am and why I get myself over committed but still. I want to be here more, partially for my own reasons, less so to make some sort of contribution to the “internet community” if there is such a thing.

So like I’ve said some of the most interesting things happen to me. The people I’ve met, the things I’ve done, or not done. I resolve to be here more.

That said winter is coming and the darkness approaches. I’ve seen glimmers of it particularly over this last weekend. How I loath the cold. I’m being proactive this year and already have a trip to Mexico and Miami in the works. Not to say that either one of those trips will fortify me for the months to come but it might, and I chose to believe that it will. I know what I need to do to be on this side of that. I only need to keep to task and I can do it.

OK so it may have been a ramble today and I may be one of the few that understands but it is what it is and it’s more than it has been in almost a month.

Until next time.

Know that you're loved,

D

Hard to believe it has been a week. Well time does fly when having fun. I suppose a recap is in order.

Thursday: A* spent the night again. I really do enjoy his company. We met up with friends at the Double O and then went out for dinner just the two of us. I had tentatively made plans with Rich that night but he didn't get back to me until it was much too late.

Friday: I drove down to Dearborn to take him back to his car. Not a bad little drive really and I am not going direct into the office anyway so no worries.

Later that evening we headed down to Columbus. Fun little city. The area we hung out at seemed very gay friendly. Axis was an interesting club. It had a good mix of boys most of the twink variety. Some were rolling most were not is my guess. The music was OK. I got a copy of the DJs CD.

Drama ensued as the night wore on. Things have started to become more clear and yet more confusing at the same time. Yep definitely drama.

Saturday: Return to the doll-drums. A* had dinner with an old college friend. I got to play host at the MB. The long awaited bar-outreach night that started in concept last June. It went much better than I would have guessed - at least from the point of view of my being able to sell and talk to people. Not my favorite thing to do. I was quite impressed with myself. Gave A* a call between sets and convinced him to spend the night. Got to get out of that place ASAP. Yea me.

Sunday: Was a wedding reception brunch for Mike & Pegg (note two gg and no Peggy). I had previously said I would go and so I brought A* along. I hadn't thought much of it. We were horribly underdressed although noone mentioned it. I wasn't so concerned but still even I would have like to do it up a notch. While he can fit my shirts and shoes, pant length is another story all together. I wasn't going to have him be underdressed by himself.

We crashed at my place for a bit after the reception. That's when it hit. FINALLY! A couple of people had apparently inquired as to our status at the brunch. A* finally said "Can we date?" Which is to say can we be boyfriends. We sort of were dating. It was weird and complicated but I understood it so it worked. That said I would like nothing more than to be with him and said as much.

That evening was the Hope Fund Event. Our first event as a couple. It showed. We had a blast and I was on cloud nine. The Westin is so fabulous. We are hosting our annual dinner there in March so I'm ecstatic about that. That I could be more open in my affection was even better. I was happy that night.

A* crashed again at my place. On the way home we had the top down, it was probably one of the last nights we could do that. We sang to the songs on the Moulin Rouge CD. We sang our hearts out, and we loved it. We were happy that night.
Tuesday was Slappy D's birthday at the MB. He is a nice guy although I haven't forgotten that he once said I was probably the queeniest person he had ever met. I'll show him queenie. Oops nothing like proving a point, huh?!?

Work it a blur right now, too much. But that is OK. Speaking of which I better get rolling. I need to be up in the AM. 'til next time.

Know that you're loved,

D

Recipe for Disaster

OK fun with colors... I've wanted to change the color of this blog to a more purple hue for some time. Given my limitations of time and software (I'm not buying new software for this computer and I'd like to wait just a touch longer before I buy a new PC.) not everything is finished. I've already changed back and forth a few times. I am changing this in steps, so bare with me.

Speaking of color.

Work was crazy today. A week ago when asked if one of my tools would be running this week I gave a rather terse "NO". As if to imply whatever you think you know you don't so please stop wasting my time. Turns out my darling account manager scheduled a run for me and then neglected to inform me. Which is all well and good except that we don't have enough plastic right now to run the tool, not to mention making me look like a clown. Yeah, problem! I spent most of Monday and yesterday trying to find out where my material and colorant was. I had requested a batch some time back but told them I wouldn't need it until mid-month at the earliest so no rush. Oops!

The sales guy at Dow expedite overnight ships the material at a considerable cost only to find out that I do not yet have colorant so we won't be running after all. I could scream. I've been working on a rollout of a new piece of software to our product engineering team so the last thing I had time for today was placing the roll of shipping and logistics. The good news is I have to be in the office at 7:00AM tomorrow morning so that I can pick up were I left off tonight.

Have I mentioned I love my job?!?

The Bloggosphere Enlightened

Just read a very enlightened blog. I am always grateful when I can read what I struggle to say. I have even had a hard time explaining to some in our own community why it is important to make a contribution. or explaining why diversity, not just blending of gay and straight, but real diversity, is so important. I wish that more would do something. Perhaps then the few of us that do, the usual suspects as I think of them, would not get so burned out.

I remember my friend Howard once asked me why I thought it was that so few do as much as we do for a community that would otherwise seem indifferent to our efforts. Guilt was my first thought, but I know it must be something larger. If I ever figure that out, look out.

"In order to increase the abiding satisfaction for the mass of our people and all people, someone must sacrifice something of his own happiness. It is silly to tell intelligent human beings “be good and you will be happy.” The truth is today - be good, be decent, be honorable and self-sacrificing and you will not always be happy. You will often be desperately unhappy. You may even be crucified, dead and buried and the third day you will be just as dead as the first. But with the death of your happiness may easily come increased happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment for other people, strangers, unborn babes, uncreated worlds. If this is not sufficient incentive never try it, remain hogs…”

Commencement address to Howard University, 1930 - W. E. B. Du Bois (first African American to earn a PhD from Harvard)

Zap

We lost power again today. This time I had the benefit of being on the ground when it happened. Luckily it was isolated to the immediate area around where I work. A transformer caught fire just down the street from my office building. Most everyone else went home at lunch time today, I had a meeting with the “customer” who had power so I went off to their place. I did have a second meeting that was canceled so it turned out to be an early day for me as well. Yea, me!

If we don’t have power tomorrow the offices will be closed again. Not that it is likely but even so I’m not so lucky. I have a meeting at our Southfield office so unless they can move the black-out…

When I got home I mowed the lawn and started prepping it for winter. I have to say that it looks good right now. I still don’t understand why my lawn doesn’t look half as good as my neighbors but then I’m hardly ever here so, oh well.

This weekend is starting to look like another action packed one.

Friday - we are heading to Columbus. Mr. Withipey, A, and myself decided that we needed a short little getaway. This will be a kind of test run for South Beach and the White Party. I sometimes have issues of a sort so this will be a good chance to find my comfort zone.

Saturday – Affirmations Bar Outreach Night at the MB. I’m a little less than thrilled about this. Originally, I was supposed to be there to merely represent the Board with support from the staff and volunteering doing the talking about the center shtick. I have no problem helping out, collecting the cover/donations at the door and even answering questions. I cannot and rather have no desire to be a one-man show.

Sunday – Wedding reception brunch and the Hope Fund 2003 Campaign Kick-Off Event. The fundraiser will be at the Detroit Metropolitan Airport Westin. Affirmations is hosting their gala fundraiser diner there next March. This will be my first chance to see the place in action.

All in all it ought to be another interesting weekend.

What an interesting weekend. Tee Hee Hee.

Well enough of that...

Aye dios mio!

Well that was nice. Nothing like a fun little romp to get your spirits up, or at the very least to relieve some tension. It is interesting how when sometimes at the very moment that I need something a solution presents itself to me. I suppose I should have better faith, or at the very least patience to know that the answer is out there. Give it time right? In the mean time there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t be having fun myself. It is interesting to think that I knew how the night was going to go. I suspect that if I had thought otherwise I would have bailed. I had other options and wasn’t going to waste my time any other way. I do not think I will ever be a full Top but the trend sure is going that way. Intriguing. I guess we’ll just have to see where this takes us.

I continue to grow in my knowledge and understanding of some of my friends. Little by little I learn this or that and in the process see new facets of that individual that I had otherwise only hoped for, or suspected. Again another journey whose next revelation I eagerly await. I am truly lucky to be surrounded by such great people.

Why do I beat myself up so much? I know that I am human; I know that I make mistakes. I also know that no matter what I say or do there are times when that simply will not or cannot be enough. I am a good person. I am a loyal friend. I know my heart and do trust it, even if it means that from time to time I will be hurt. I strive to be better and try to the best of my ability to pick myself up and dust myself off when I fail. The hardest part of life is accepting those things you have absolutely NO control over. I wish at times I could just be happy, focus on the good, forgive my own mistakes and get on with things. And move on we shall.


So the White Party it is. It ought to be a great time. I love South Beach and have always enjoyed myself when down that way. I don't know what it is that gives me the ability to approach boys out 'there' that I cannot or rather dare not approach here. Maybe it is the knowledge that a relationship - which is what I ultimately want - is most likely not possible with those boys and therefore I don't stand to loose anything by approaching them. I know, I know, nothing ventured nothing gained, right?!? Well it still doesn't work for me.

I have met some really wonderful guys this summer, and I have been pushing myself to do that more. In time.

I suppose this means I need to get my butt back into the gym. I've been going on a very infrequent basis. This simply will not do. Let go!

Lazy weekend!

I've been trying to fix some issues I've been having with my computer. I don't really want to spend the money to get a new one just yet. There are so many other things that I need over what I want. (Of course I'm probably going to spend as much on this trip to Miami but that is a different story)

The computer has not been cooperating however and it has been taxing my patients. Maybe I should start looking into what I want for a new PC and plan on getting one for myself for Christmas!?!

We'll see...

We did the Detroit Guerrilla Queer Bar pub crawl. Lost of fun. Met some new guys and had a chance to hang out with some friends that I don't normally see out. It was tonnes of fun to spend time at Str8 bars with a bunch of queers. Normally I am either the token gay with my str8 friends or among a group of 3 or 4 guys. This was different. With so many guys the dynamic changes. We are comfortable to be more ourselves. I will definitely be making a repeat performance at the next night out.

'A' cooked dinner for me last night. I had a horrible day at work and actually left early. I was supposed to go to a meeting with the city in the afternoon but it was canceled. Yea me! That meant I could take a quick nap before he showed up.

Dinner was great. He went all out. I didn't have to lift a finger and he made a wonderful meal, complete with cheesecake for desert. Too much for the waistline but it was worth it.

We are thinking of going to South Beach for the White Party in November. It's the week of Thanksgiving and my birthday. I've been slacking with the gym lately I definitely have to get back there on a more regular routine. Can't be out of shape down there. It sounds weird but we have a better friendship now than ever before. I do still love him - I know I always will - but I can see where perhaps this is better.

Had drinks after the Affirmation's Board Meeting w/ P. It's interesting he is a nice guy and I can see some very genuine aspects to his personnality. Some of the people I know think a little less of him but even he admitted that to me. He sometimes comes across a little rough around the edges. We all have our awkward momments his just seem to be more noticable. I hope he can change that. If even for his sake.

A. thinks that I might be in my nesting phase. I've spent quite a bit of time working on my house. More so than in the last few months combined. I think it is fair to say that I was pleasantly distracted for the last few months and that had something to do with it. Truth be told however there is a change in the air and I have been quite occupied with many little projects around here lately. Part of it may be a discontent with how I had pushed things aside around here for far too long. Another part of it is a simple desire to keep myself distracted. Busy away from the problems of the outside world. Not so much from my current relationship situation, or lack there of - although that is certainly part of it - but rather a general desire to withdraw. More than a few people I know have expressed the same feeling. It goes something like this: Even though "we" have made great strides in the area of gay rights in the last few months the sense is there is a coming storm of backlash. That bad things must now follow the good. The economy is bad. The government, more expressly the White House, is doing more harm than good, and is playing on our most basic fears more so than even the media. There is a feeling of great negativity. That soon something truly bad is going to happen and yet we will not be prepared for this. I generally have tried to maintain a positive outlook on things and know that progress is slow and there is a natural ebb and flow to things, my only hope it that we are on the right side of the tide. I hope...

Crazy busy weekend. Which should have meant plenty to write about, only there has been no time to do so. Where to start...

Friday: My kitchen is now a striking yellow. Bumblebee on the bottom, a lighter Translucent Cream on top. I don't know what came over me. I've wanted to paint it for some time but haven't. I came home Friday evening and just decided that now was the time. I've almost finished. I was up until 2 AM Saturday morning and back at it by 8 o'clock. I need to decide what color the trim should be. I'm thinking burgundy?!?

Saturday: Continued on the kitchen. Took a break to work with my sister on the up-stairs renovations. Mudding in drywall is work. If for no other reason than I want it to be perfect I'm taking way more time than one should on this. I hope to finish before winter...

Went out for drinks Saturday night. Again didn't really intend to stay as long as I did. I had wanted to merely put in an appearance and head back home to keep the momentum on the kitchen going. We were having a good time though and headed to the MB. I met a cute guy there. He actually came up to me - a rare event - and we talked/flirted for some time. Only what trouble is I apparently gave the wrong signals and they left when I walked away for a moment to talk to another friend. I don't know why I didn't make my interest more apparent but I didn't. So be it.

Sunday: 7 AM get up for the AIDS Walk Opening Ceremony... OK 7:30 get up for the AIDS Walk Opening Ceremony. What did I drink last night. I think the $3 Long Islands at the MB were a bad idea. Especially after three Guinness. Oops! Home by 11:30. Crash on the couch until 2 then back to it in the kitchen. I finished everything but the trim and decided to hit the bathroom next. Bright clean white, very nice.

All in all not a bad weekend given everything as a whole. Need to wrap up my projects and move on to the next. I'd really like to get the entire house a nice coat of paint. That will keep me occupied.

Movies that bad should be a crime.

I've forgotten how tedious Campaign Finance Statements can be. The pre-election filling date is just around the corner so I've been trying to round up all of the paperwork to file on time. This is only for a City Commissioner race. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be to file at the federal level. What fun.

I'm heading out to the movies tonight to see 'O Fantasma' at the Main Art Theater with S. and his trick-du-jour. From what I've read I don't know why I'm going, but I've been surprised before.

I'm sure he'll try and talk me into "Q" tonight. We'll see...