525,600 minutes

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin. 24 hours later I was pushed out of the plane. While I may have been handed a parachute before heading for a free fall I did not have the opportunity to put it on or figure out how it worked.

I could probably run on for a while with this metaphor but I think you get the drift. Things have been coming back to me. I guess because I have had the time to think and the hurt is starting to subside. The problem with all of this is the what if's, and I should have's that start to emerge. I can never seem to stop rehashing and revisiting the past. I beat myself up over things I did and should have done differently just as much as I beat myself up for things I did not do. There were times when I was too strong and others when I was not strong enough; moments when my patience could have been more and moments when my patience turned me into a dish rag.

I once thought if I were laid off it would be the end of the world.

I once didn't care that I couldn't handle my drinking.

I once thought I had met the love of my life.

I once said I would never sell my car.

I once...

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin, and it was the beginning of the end for many things, it was not however the end of beginnings. After I hit the ground, however rough that landing might have been, I survived. I am only now learning to fly again. Only a little worse for the ware, I know I fly will again some day. I still don't trust myself, my instincts or my heart enough to think I can fly alone and fear that it may be some time before I do. That time will come and I will be ready when it does.

Learn from your mistakes and from those times life doesn't go the way you wish. Forget regret...

If Love is

If Love is a force of nature: Then I am dealing with a drought after a hurricane. and I'm pissed at the weather man.

and the winner is...

Brokeback Mountain

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: Written by Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana Based upon the original short story by Annie Proulx. It helps to have an excellent story to start with but credit must be given to their ability to transform the story into a screen play that transitioned the text into the visual.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture: "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" A good song I guess, though I cannot say that I recall hearing it. Then again none of the songs nominated this year are major stand-outs. Do you ever wonder if there are some years were they would really rather just skip certain awards for the year?

Best Director - Motion Picture: Angie Lee He has not directed that many films but what he has have been recognized as excellent pieces of work. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Eat Drink Man Woman; and The Wedding Banquet to name but a few. Way to go Ang, keep up the good work. Oh, we all forgive you for The Hulk now.

Best Motion Picture - Drama: Brokeback Mountain It's a real credit to the movie, the actors and the director. In the ideal world, the place where many only dream, we could say the award was based strictly on the merit of the performance, directing, production and writing. In this real world we have to acknowledge the importance of the content of the movie and recognize the ground breaking message this award sends. I am happy tonight.

"Love is a force of Nature"

Golden Globes

Still trying to figure out why I stay up late to watch The Golden Globes of course I suppose this would be the gay equivalent of the play-offs. Even still I'm sure I'll be beat tomorrow and my life won't really be different for having seen the awards live or finding out in the AM. But we do it so...

Dakota Johnson, this year's Miss Golden Globe, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith - herself Miss Golden Globe 1975, daughter of Tippi Hedren - looked to be a bit stage struck.

Sleeper Cell did not win for best mini-series. Too bad 'cause I thought it was pretty good. But I guess since it was the only mini-series I saw any part of I'm not a qualified to prejudge the others.

Reese Witherspoon, won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. She has all she needs in her husband. Two words - Yumm ee. I just remember seeing Little Boy Blue. Let's just say he deserved some type of award for a certain performance in that film!

And in a surprise Mary Louise Parker won for Best Actress in a Television Series. She deserves it. And given the other four nominees where from Desperate Housewives I thought it a foregone conclusion that someone from that cast would win. I'm torn, because seeing those ladies go at it if one of them had won would have been worth it.

All of this of course is the build up to the Best Motion Picture award to see if Brokeback Mountain will win. The other movies are good competition so well see. I cannot help but hope that it does win. While it will not mean a tidal change in the current climate perhaps it will signal a change in the swing of the pendulum. Let's hope.

Dr. MLK Jr. Day

Spending the day doing a lot of the things that I don't normally like to do but have been putting off (ironing shirts are at the top of the list.) Listening to the radio and reflecting.

Of course perhaps today I should be doing something to give back. The preference is to call today a National Day of Action rather than just a National Holiday. I would counter that by saying 1.) Doing some of these things today allows me to participate in such Action the rest of the month and 2.) The day isn't over and trust if I don't have something to go to later tonight.

I have thought about what side I would have been on were I alive in 1965, if any. I know now that I would have wanted to be involved, though my circumstances may have made it difficult. That said I believe my desire to come out on the side of support is in part to the history that brings us to today and my own personal experience to this point. Clearly my own life would have been different if the timeline were shifted by 40 years, and further the history that has fermented my opinions was being made at that point so my opinions would be different could potentially be different, and most likely would be.

Memoirs of a Fictionalist

I've had this feeling, or recurring thought, that many of the blogs I read are somewhat removed from the realm of reality. Particularly those that portend to be actual accounts of an individual's life and their sexual adventures. I will concede that some stories may be based upon actual events I cannot help but question the frequency and intensity of those events.

I had thought that maybe it was just me. Inasmuch as I haven't really been doing anything even close to the scale of their adventures I have thought it is entirely possible the stories are true. But really are there that many Brian Kinney's out there? Probably not.

A really juicy story will be read by far more people than those less intriguing (regrettably I would put this blog into the latter category). You can see that in the case of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. It's based on actual events at best. A memoir where the actual details have been grossly exaggerated or altogether fabricated. At least that is some of the events have received a make over. The problem with this selective treatment is the absolute truth and the gussied up version become indistinguishable. You no longer know what is or is not and need to decide what to take as fact or fiction.

It is understandable in the case of Frey why you may want to embellish the story to help increase sales. In that vein nothing helps to increase sales more than sex. So it would make sense that the sex would likely be more memoir than biographical. Oh I know there is little in the way of financial incentive to do this but if you think people won't go t ascertain lengths just to get a few more hits on their site you clearly haven't be in the blogosphere much.

The ranking, rating and reviewing that goes on feeds the egos of many a blogger. Even more there is some money to be made with Google Ads or other third party links from the blog. All of that said I don't know that I want them to change one bit.

I have felt some push to be more creative in my own blogging but I suppose that to be creative does not need to mean becoming fictional or graphic - not that there would be much anyway but still.

Ok so I'm rambling at this point so good night...

WTF

I don't know which is better the look of shock on the one monkey's face or the smug look on th other one's

Happy Friday the Thirteenth

I'm staying inside today...

Come down from the Mountain

In the last week there have been a number of reviews of Brokeback Mountain that have gotten some attention, or that I've notice at the least. The obvious one that comes to mind is that of Gene Shalit wherein he referred to Jack as a "sexual predator", who "tracks Ennis down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts". While I don't accept the premise that Jack coaxed Ennis into anything I do agree somewhat with the sexual predator title. At least that is during the scene of their first sexual experience. While I will concede there was some allusion to a growing attraction between the two prior to that night I couldn't help feel the first time the two had sex the initiator was clearly Jack and I personally felt that Ennis appeared as though he not only wanted nothing to do with what Jack was pursuing that he was on the verge of assaulting Jack to prevent what was about to happen. Of course that is until he flipped Jack, spit on his hand, and had his way with him. Not one of the finer acting scenes I've ever watched. I just didn't buy what had happened. "Predator" is a perfect description of how it appeared to me at the time; for that scene. I will concede that shortly thereafter, as the movie proceeded, their relationship evolved as it could in the time and place that they were in. That part of the movie I felt was a great depiction of how a relationship between two men might have been for the era.

Of course Shalit has issued an apology. In this I am torn between accepting that he didn't mean any harm, and as such can concede that if there were those that were hurt or offended then by right there should be an apology, and asking why anyone was offended. Granted I may be in the minority in concurring with the predator label, even if for just a period, anyone who actually saw the Shalit review on the Today show and who knows his style should have agreed that it was done without malice. Shalit has a rather wry sense of humor, watch the other reviews of the week and I think you'll see what I mean. Besides look at the man, does he look like a man who should be taken completely serious? Really people?!?

It is, in my opinion, yet another example where the GLBT community has it's hissy fit over yet another trite matter, again losing sight of the forest for the trees. We end up being a bunch of whiney cry babies anytime we get a paper cut.

Any movie like this, that breaks new ground on subject matter that is less than fully embarrassed by a full majority of society is bound to have strong reactions for or against. Leonard Pitts, true to his style has clearly come out in defense of the movie and has taken those whose comments were less than educated to task. Long an outspoken ally of the community he uses his strong power of the written word to defend the movie and continue his fight of discrimination.

The review that I like the most comes by way of Vogue and NPR's Fresh Air. Reviewing the movie and defending it, John Powers, addresses some of the reasons for the reactions to this movie and puts it in a light that perhaps is closer to truth than some would admit. Take the time to listen.

The truth hurts

my sides that is, from laughing so hard! Maybe that is why things have been so dull lately, I getting back to being an engineer. Not likely but hey.

Here Comes the Sun

What a fabulous day! The sunshine was magnificent and warm and bright. I welcomed the sunshine even as it blinded me from my desk! The relection off the lake lifted my spirits like no other. Ah the glorious sun. And summer is only 5 short months away.



Today alone made up for the dismal amount of sun we had in all of December.

Long Day

Just getting in now and it's 20 past 10. I just wanted to check in.

Sleep well

I opine

It is unfortunate what happened in West Virginia. I heard plenty of coverage on NPR which got me thinking. Sure there were mistakes made and the mining company should be held accountable but... In my opinion it was irresponsible for the officials on hand to have not said something the minute they realized there was some confusion about the report of survivors, that said we don't yet know to what degree the confusion existed, and some leeway should be granted to them to take a moment to verify the second report that their initial information was incorrect. This is the mistake they made, in that they did not absolutely confirm the first report of survivors. The same burden should be put to the media, one of the fundamental tenants of reporting is to confirm information before releasing that information for public consumption. Then it was reported that some of the victims families were so enraged at the company officials that the officials were assaulted. Then the families had the nerve to say the officials didn't apologize, how could they under such circumstance. Sorry folks you can't have it both ways. Oh, the families were under incredible stress and acted irrationally during a very trying moment? I would like to think it was the same for the officials...

Deep Breaths

I've been planning out my schedule for this coming week trying to incorporate as many things as possible that I know I need to do without going into overload.

I am not going to get to my goals over night so I can take it in steps. So I have my gym bag packed and I have a yoga class that I can go to so that is a great start. I wish I was more into yoga right now 'cause my upper back is killing me and aside from A* no one could ever get it right so it's hurt'n.

I've actually be thinking and reflecting and I am going to seriously make a push to incorporate Yoga as a more central part of my daily routine. I NEED inner peace and I definitly do not have that right now. I know that this part of the year is difficult but I need to be stronger. I'm starting a new year and need to seize on to this as a new begining to get back to those things that I've wanted and know I can do.

I don't need to be 130lbs again, although I wouldn't mind the 28" waist that went along with it. I don't need a boyfriend but I now that I want to share my life with someone (and I assume that to be a boyfriend) But neither of those things, nor some variation thereof will happen tomorrow. I cannot say that I will ever get there, I do not know what will happen in the future. I do know that there will be good things to come and here's looking forward to them.

Namaste

Unspoken

An unexpected "gift"

This great adventure begins
At the foot of my bed
I'll stake claim to you
If you'll discover me
Like a fire in a snowstorm
Our skin casts a contrast
The hell of August's heat
Tamed by a tingling spine
Where words lead to worry
My eyes are you minds mirror
We fantasize and realize
The crash of this crush
We suffer the solace of sheets
The sweetness of sweat
The lingering of lush lips
Hot, honey covered and hungry
Fingers that flex and fold
In a tangle of good intentions
The necessity of this need
Has us tied up and trusting
But with Appolo's Alarm
This memory is set in motion
A love I cannot undo
And I was only passing through

Thank you, and I'm sorry. I cannot explain this maybe someday...

Happy New Year

"Now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been." Rilke

Imagine the possibilities!

No pressure...

So here's the thing. I know my writing hasn't been Pulitzer material lately and at the same time you won't find much that I write in the annals of gay sex conquests as many of the other blogs out there. So it doesn't help when I figured out that my blog is one of the few that come up on Queerfliter for Michigan. WTF.

Anyway I don't know that I will be writing differently but then again it may serve as an incentive to do so. We'll see.

Moment of what?

Well if you were looking for Zen don't look to me. I couldn't take much more than 10 minutes at Pronto tonight before I had my fill. Never mind there were plenty of people there that couldn't be bothered with me the were enough friends there to help offset anything trivial in that arena I simply don't care for the crowd. I'm not there to hook up and or meet someone. I don't know that I am ready for that anyway but I really don't expect that it will happen at a meat market bar. I was there to hang out with friends plain and simple, but the crowds weren't conducive to that. Maybe some day just not now.

Of course that begs the question that if I cannot handle P's on a regular night will I be in any position to cope with NYE. If I do go out it will be crowds of a level far greater. It is of course something that I need to think through and get my head around and also know that I can leave whenever I choose. Nevertheless I'm glad I have options and time still to decide.

Dinner with the gang was nice. Here's hoping there will be more casual gatherings, which let's face it are more my speed anyway.

Still life

Of course immediately a couple of things come to mind.

First and foremost is another part of my resolution list. That being getting more serious about photography. This will be problematic inasmuch as I do not currently have an operating camera but that can be remedied and as soon as I have other debts taken care of, which if things work out could start seeing some progress in the early part of next year. I would like to participate in the Photo-A-Day challenge by a group from DPChallenge. In that I have never contributed to DPC perhaps I should aim for that first before getting too crazy. All the same I want to get back into it, and if I can manage it I will in the early part of 2006. Not all resolutions have to start on New Year's Day, after all. I'd love to have a new camera now and a fancy one at that but again I need to learn to walk first right?!?

The second is more of the same. Yoga. Relaxation. Meditation. I am working on letting go. I hold on to things and thoughts that I can no longer do anything about. That's not to say that I will stop caring or close my heart off the world around me but I need to accept that there is far more that I can never control and thus need to let go of the idea that I need to try. There are so many things that I can effect and I should start focusing on them.

'til next time

Namaste

Making a list

I've spent the majority of the day reflecting on the last year and thinking about the next. There are plenty of things that I cannot undo or change but there are plenty of things that I can try to get right in the coming year. Try being the key word there, my goal being progress not perfection. And while on that though perfection is certainly something to aspire toward knowing, as I do, that it is an almost unattainable goal helps temper me in my aims; wishing to simply make improvements, small though they may be at time, on a day by day basis.

I have already tried to reincorporating the gym on my daily routine. I'd like to start doing yoga on a more regular basis as well, unfortunately neither gym offers it at a time that works for me at the moment, though I might look at adding it in at lunch - we'll see. Every time that I've practice I have felt more calm and at peace. There have even been occasions where I have been brought to tears. I truly do not fully comprehend the how's and why's of what happens but it seems to work. Besides there has been more than one occasion when I have been sore for days afterward not unlike any other good gym workout. I would try to practice by myself, as I have in the past however I am too self aware of my novice status and recognize the need to have an instructor. Having a gentle nudge from time to time can't hurt either.

Baron Baptiste is a great writer as well as yoga guru. His book is definitely not something a begin should buy and then think they can do some of the positions in without first reading the book, understanding his wisdom and the long practice. If you are luck enough to have an instructor that knows can help guide your practice I highly recommend that you stick with them and if you feel the need to expand your practice through study "Journey Into Power" is a strong book to use.

Good intentions...

Not wanting to waste the time off this week and still not having much more than two nickels to rub together I am working on finalizing the many home projects I had begun some time back before many of the things that have happened since then. (Many of those things you will note are not here within) At any rate I decided to add to my many list of tasks the slow drain in the bath room. There are those that claimed that it was due to my using the sink in the bath room as a utility sink. Being a somewhat obstinate sort I hold to the belief that the water soluble paint dissolved into the water and thus could not act to restrict the flow of water, but then what do I know I only have a degree in Chemical Engineering.

I digress...

"Suggest, Ask, Force."

Having already tried several forms of chemical persuasion to help clear the drain I determined that it was time for more persuasive measures. Hoping to trying something short of the brute force method I decided to remove the trap to see if there was anything blocking the flow. In doing so I simultaneously determined the cause of the problem, and made that problem irrelevant. In removing the trap the corroded connections broke. ...in replacing the pipe and connecting the wall drain (also broke in process) I determined the 6 some-odd inches of level drain leading into the wall was the primary cause to the slow drain. Concessions to the fact that there had to be material to build up to cause a blockage in the first place but, given that I doubt greatly, much had been done in years in the way of preventive maintenance this was a problem that had its due.

After much swearing and a couple of trips to the Home Depot I hope to have this one task off my list.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Got to see a seek preview of 'Memoirs of a Geisha' the other night. It is definitely a movie worth seeing. The set design of the Japanese village was breath taking, particularly for one who is drawn to all things zen. It is a good story on love, loss and managing the desires of life and the realities we all live within. It is after all "not called Memoirs of an Empress"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone was able to relax and enjoy even a moment of peace today.  Christmas has always been about family to me and I am glad that most of my family was home to celebrate the day together.  My sis of course could not but we were able to talk for a while and her mother-in-sorta law made the trek out to San Francisco so she had some degree of family.

I am looking forward to the new year and a chance toward new starts.  I have been slowly build to getting back into me.  Doing things for me and get me back on track.  If it means being selfish to an extent then so be it.  I cannot yet trust my judgment to allow myself to begin dating again.  I am still to wounded from the past year and do not want to make some of the same mistakes I’ve made.  

As usual I want to try and contribute on a more regular basis to this blog.  We’ll see if I keep it up or not.  I may drop this all together too.  If nothing I do need to learn to let go maybe here would be a good start.  Time will tell.

Until next time, to all a good night.

The Decompression Blog

Back from my all too brief trip to San Francisco. It was nice to get away and spend time with C&C. I was their first "real" visitor to their new place out there. Their roommate was back in St. Louis for the weekend so I even had a bed to sleep in.

Castro
Saturday we hung out in the Castro. My sis works at a laundry mat/coffee shop called Sit n' Spin which has free wi-fi so it's actually a fun place to hang-out while waiting for the spin cycle to finish. Of course you could just as easily cross the street to any one of the local bars but... Unfortunately there was a glitch on the camera I was using and all of my photos from that day in the Castro are gone. So be it

Saturday night we went bar hopping starting in North Beach (Little Italy) and working our way back to the Castro. Some of the places the girls had not yet been to, others where their favorites.

"The Bar" was a pretty cool place, we got there perhaps a bit early as the there were few boys there and the ones that were well... let's just say I was more interested in the interior decorating.


"Moby Dick" is a small little place that really would have fit in almost anywhere, with a good mix of men and women but again there wasn't much to really go crazy over, there were some handsome older guys there all the same though it was like an everyday bar. To tell the truth I was enjoying my time with the girls so it wasn't too much of a disappointment at all that the distractions were few and far between.

We took the 33, or was it the 37 back to Haight-Asbury past Twin Peaks - "My dog barks some" - and ended the evening at Traxx. Traxx is their local gay watering hole just a couple of blocks from their place. Like many of the other bars in the area it was small, but not overly crowded. I am guessing that since it was more of a bar than a club explains the majority of why there wasn't a larger gay boi contingent.

Shopping Downtown
Since A* had given me a BR Friends & Family discount card we decided to hit the store downtown. Somerset has NOTHING on this place. It was overwhelming, and I am fairly certain there wasn't one piece of the collection that wasn't somewhere in the store. Unfortunately the discount couldn't be used with my gift certificate so I didn't get the deal I was hoping for and am wishing I hadn't bought the outfit I did now. Ah well now I have a nice winter getup. My sis had to work that day so her fiancee and I wandered around town and saw the sights. As neither of us knew the MUNI system well enough to get around we hiked it for the afternoon. I thought it would be nice to take some pictures of the city and just get to hang out one-on-one with her so this worked out well. We made it to Lombard street the three blocks from Columbus alone wiped us out for the rest of the day. Eventually we figured out the right bus line to take to get back downtown and headed home. I wasn't feeling completely up to getting crazy that evening and was glad to just hang out at one of the many local eateries that night. Where I even got to watch a belly dancer. I just didn't know there were actually suppossed to have bellies.

Japanese Tea Garden
One of the places I wanted to see was the Tea Garden. The garden itself is over one hundred years old so I could never begin to hope to have such a manicured tranquil spot. I got some definite ideas for things that I might do differently or add to my patio/backyard to give it more of that sense of peace. As with every other sight in town the place was just short of mobbed and between that and my obsession with taking photos I doubt I enjoyed it nearly as well as I may, nevertheless it was a beautiful little retreat. There is something about the inner beauty and spirituality of a garden like this that calms me like most nothing else can. I truly wish I could feel as comfortable pretty much every day like I did when I was there.

In sum
All in all I had a great trip. It was completely spur of the moment and with a $200 airfare I couldn't pass it up. I was glad to spend time with my sister and her girlfriend. I know they are both a bit homesick and will not be making it back for the holidays so it was a special bonus that I did not start my new job this week. Overall my impression of San Francisco is less the gay Meccah it is made out to be and more of a progressively alternative metropolis with it's enclave of gays as any large city might have. I didn't realy go for the men which is perhaps a good thing as most seemed to be older and old school(think of some of the past stereotypes.) I saw many of the things that I set out to, it would have only been better if I had been able to bring someone with me. Maybe someday...

We now return to our regularly scheduled Blog

Ok I think I got it back to where the blog was a few days ago. My guess is there were a number of glitches that were all coming together that made for a messed up page. I am toying with the idea of reinstating some of the features I was trying to upgrade when I messed things up before. Trial and error and fewer distractions and I should be able to get this to be better than before.

I am feeling refreshed and have lots of thoughts so just as soon as I can I will try to give ya'll the skinny on my trip and all dat.

Please stand by...

We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties,(I knew I shouldn't have tried to post while on vacation) hopefully I can figure out why I cannot see the blog. Which of course begs the question - can you? Maybe it is the computer that I am on right now and not so much the site itself. I guess I won't know for a few more days.

'til then I'll keep trying.

D

Cheryl

Cheryl

Golden Gate Park

Golden Gate

Maybe next time I can take a picture that isn't directly ino the sun.

Life thru Dreams

Had an interesting dream last night. It felt pretty real, but in the morning I knew it wasn't and realized that I wouldn't have done what I did in my dream. It would be nice if I could stand up for myself and take certain risks. It is a balance between getting more of what I want and risking losing what I have. Maybe some day I will although I don't know what the point of fulfillment for this particular dream would bring but perhaps it is a lesson for the future. We'll see.

and good for you...

Mmm, mmm good.

Meow

Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten.

Brokeback Mountain

There is a sneak preview of Brokeback Mountain next Monday that I will be going to; and for free! You gotta love that.

Membership has it's privileges.

Run, don't walk

This is the feeling that I have had for a while.

Sure it is hopelessly pessimistic and I am doing quite a bit to change my destiny but nevertheless I cannot help but feel that the ship is sinking, and well you ain't seen nothing yet.

I am trying to find a better job, albeit in the same market. I am planning on applying for grad school in the spring, though I know not how I will pay for it. I am trying to cut my current expenses and pay down my debts as aggressively as possible. There are other measures I could take but will for now continue to hope that I can eke this out.

I don't see it getting much better. After the dust settles which will not be for another 2 plus years the job landscape here in Michigan will be nothing like is was or even is. I have no doubt that shortly thereafter things will begin to get shaky for other reasons, reason that we now have control over but are wasting our last chance to remedy. Foreign policy, oil dependence, health care are just the obvious example of things that I fully expect to continue to plague us for years to come. Maybe becoming a pool boy isn't such a bad idea after all. Or am I too old to join the Peace Corps?

My advice to those not yet graduated from college. Stay as far away from automotive as humanly possible. Plan on moving out of Michigan. Expect to have greater hardships than your parents ever faced.

My advice to those that do not plan on going to college. Go.

It will be years before the market figures itself out and the new economic engine is fully up and running. Let's just hope that those of us in the thick of it can make it to the other side.

It's the journey stupid

In my continual rush for things be now I find myself getting frustrated when that doesn't happen. I need to rember that it isn't going to happen over night and that I need to enjoy the process because that is what it is really all about anyway. Don't worry about the what-if but be prepared.

Second verse, same as the...

Yet another interview with yet another company tomorrow. This one is for first thing in the morning so it is off to bed for me in a minute. Especially given that I don't have any coffee in the house (I keep meaning to go shopping) I have to get up early so that I have time to get the sleep out of my eyes and the crabby out of my...

I was freaking out most of the day trying to figure out how to handle a second interview with, yes yet one more company especially given the geographical restrictions but I managed to change it to Wednesday at 5. Not an ideal time to be running across town but if it all works out we'll see.

Stay tuned

World Record My Butt

I hung out with Nicholas yesterday. We got to carve a pumpkin and play in the leaves. It was a nice diversion from the norm. Nicholas is a fun little kid, he'll be a firecracker when he grows up.

Part of the reason for the pumpkin carving was to enter it into a contest in town where they were trying to set a new World's Record. They needed more than 26,000 pumpkins to make a crack at it. Our pumpkin when entered at 7:20PM, little more than 30 minutes before the cut-off point, was number 1034. Needless to say they had a long way to go if they were to make a dent in the remaining time. Sure they had a lot more people down town on a Saturday than normal but I will venture to guess that few families with 3 year olds spent any appreciable time in any of the stores shopping - my presumed ulterior motive for such an event. Anyway, I had fun and there were some interesting entries so it twain't all that bad.

Maybe next year ...

Legend of Sleepy Howell

Nicholas is with Nana and Papa this weekend. Nicholas is going to carve a pumpkin to add to the pumpkin contest in town. It should be a good time.

Out ye dreams

Had another dream last night. This one was odd in that it was a dream itself. I was older as was A*. It was everything I had once hoped we would get to at some point but still I cannot understand why I have these dreams. We aren't together. He wants to focus un himself and I am trying to do the same. Though I must say that part of working on me is working on my relationship.

I do not know if I am not seeing some flaw that he saw. I do not know if he is too strong willed to bring himself to try again. I used to think that things would be better and easier for the both of use together rather than alone. (I suppose I still do) However I accept that I need to do it on my own. I do not want to let go but will for now. I will always love him but I cannot continue to hurt for something that I alone cannot fix. I need to focus my energies on me and my life. To all of you my love and prayers. I hope everyone can find that thing in life that gives meaning and happiness.

Until then,

Know that you're loved,

D

F A T

The company that brought you the G A P and BR introduces FAT. I don’t know that this will go over well but hey, what do I know?

A father's love

Tonight's West Wing episode was good. I felt well before it was clear that CJ was not the leak and in retrospect it seems natural that Toby would be. What struck me through the show was how the President handled the leak. I got the sense that the hurt and disappointment was not to dissimilar from that of a father to his son. I lack the words to really expand upon that but that was my sense.

A good episode...

Things To Do

Too busy to really reflect right now.

The ground breaking for Affirmations is this afternoon. It don't really want to go but it will be good for me to do something social, more than going to the gym or work. It is a historic time in our communities history and being able to be a part of that doesn't come along every day. The Governor will be there so it has some broader importance.

Tomorrow I have yet another of many interviews. As has been the case I am nervous but calm. I want to do well but I recognize that I do still have a job for the time being so if I do not get it, so be it. Another though has entered my mind of late, that how do I know the company I might work for will be any better than the one I am with? It's negative and I think it comes from the once bitten, twice shy problem plaguing the automotive industry right now. I have to remind myself that the certainty of a job for life is gone and that what I am doing is the right thing.

I hope that I am able to get a better, more stable position soon. I need to start checking some of my "Things To Do:" off my list. Nothing has been easy of late so getting some of these things behind me will allow me to focus on the rest of the list with more focus. Here's hoping.

Just a simple dinner

I am freaking out. Not outwardly, which is good, nevertheless I am barely holding it together right now.

I am supposed to be meeting A* for dinner tonight. It will be the first time since our split that we have spent any appreciable amount of time together and only the third time I have seen him. The intent of the dinner is to talk. About what in specific I do not know. I am unsure if he is merely placating me because he knows that I miss him or if his intent is genuine. Even then I do not know what he wants to talk about or what his aims are. Will he confess his faults and proclaim his desire for reconciliation or will it be to simply reach final closure.

Reading through some of our communications toward the end we both professed our love for the other and asked the other for patience in cooping with the present turbulence. Was it too much? Did we both loose hope in the other? If we had held on would things have made a turn for the better?

What am I to do? Should I make plain my desire to forgive and try again? I know that I too need forgiveness and hope that it can be had. Do I want to be with him again? Will I be able to forget? Can I trust? I know in my heart I can. I tend to give forgiveness and trust easily, I think because I want it in return. I know also that I tend to live my life as an open book so I have little to hide, and therefore little reason – at least in my minds eye – to not be trusted. I know that it can sometime burn me that I allow others in so easily, the hope is that the benefits far out weight the risks.

Will we resolve things for the better or worse tonight? What is better or worse? When will I know?

Know that you’re loved,

D

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown

Smile

I feel like a big smile right now. I don’t have any particular reason why and I am trying to not analyze it too much for fear that this already fleeting feeling will evaporate sooner.

For the time being I am OK. Sure things could be better but they could be worse too. I am lucky to have the many things in my life and the problems that I face would surely be blessings to others. So for the moment I’m just going to smile and see where it takes me.

I had a dream

As many of my dreams of late this one was a bit odd. I was house sitting for a friend and her parents. A* visited with Rich and Jimmy. It seemed I knew in my dream that A* and I were no longer together. That is itself a bit different from normal, at least insofar as I can recall, in that most of my dreams lately have been A* and I together, some quite erotic... this was not one of those dreams.

I don't quite know what to make of the dream. I know that I have thought a bit about where A* lives now and if he is with anyone. Not that it should be any of my concern if he is or not but nevertheless I wonder. I think how much easier it could be with someone in my life and how in so many ways he fit that. Albeit unwilling to play his part from times and I guess that is what I need to resolve. I seem to have an idealized view of who he and we were.

I miss the simple comfort he provided me, the person to cuddle up to at night, the calming force when things seemed rough. In the ways that a long term partner, a husband if you will, he would have been the ideal. It is in the short term that we did not mesh, and I struggle to understand why. I am not the type of person to simply say well it doesn't work, let's throw it away and find a new one. No, I need to see what I can do to fix it. I'm an engineer. I cannot give up and I think that is what I perhaps need to do.

So many things are hard for me right now. I do not know if I am going to have a job in a month. I do not know if I will be able to pay some of my bills even with the job I have. I have other struggles that I will have to continue to work to overcome. I could drop my desire to be with A* or anyone else right now and focus my energies on improving myself and my situation however I seem to feel that would we return to the life we were sharing many of those other struggles would subside. Not go away mind you but be made less.

I seem to be stuck in this limbo where I almost reach the acceptance that we will not be together and then revert to the feeling that I have returned to so many times before. That all of my instincts tell me he is the one. Time will tell who wins, though I think we all know where the odds fall.

Room for Rent!

OK so let's try this again. I need a roommate. I have come to realize that the slight added income from a renter will greatly ease some of the burden that I am sure to face in the coming months. I expect I will be on the road a fair amount over the next few months and so it will be an added bonus to have someone there, and a plus for him or her in that the run of the house will be theirs.

I am asking $500 utilities included. Which when you think about the cost of heating in the coming months will be a real bargain.

Anyway here are some of the pics that I will be posting. (Actually I am using this space to reference for Craig's List)

A Picture Share!

You don't see that every day!

Delphi in bankruptcy - 10/09/05

Gulp. We sort of knew this was going to happen. It does surprise me that it would happen in this manner but I guess a heads up to the employees would last for all of thirty seconds so...

Of course nothing should be too terribly different on Monday.

And what does this mean for me? Well to guess I would say that I will probably have to be twice as diligent about looking for something else. If I had to predict I would say that my department will not survive the next 12 months. I'm setting a target of being gone by the end of the year. This is one that I MUST meet.

A Picture Share!

Negative Much?

This is the first of my attempts to post a picture directly from my cell. If I have the opportunity to snap anything of intrest I will be sure to add it. Of course the gym has its rules and technically so does work but who knows what I may cum across.

Harry Potter Part VI

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Not a bad little book, if I do say so myself. I can definitely see why there is such an appeal to the series. Of course it would have been nice to have started from the beginning but then I have never been one for convention. Anyway, it provided me a pleasant diversion from the real world for a time and though I fear reading out of order may have spoiled the previous books, particularlly those between the movies and here I liked it. I will in all likely hood go back toread the rest, as soon as I have the money to do it that is.

If you've not read the book yourself as they say "If you have the means, I highly recommend it."

ABC News: Delphi set to file for Ch. 11-source

So my guess of making the announcement just after the bell today was off by a few hours. We'll see. I am supposed to be going to one of their besieged plants this coming week. That ought to be fun!

More later.

Beware Internet Scams!!!

First things first. YES I haven’t been writing that much of late. Can you blame me? I haven’t had much of interest to say, preferring to focus my energies to mere survival rather than trying to be creative and add something of some value to the blog-o-sphere. There isn’t much in the way of readership for my blog as it is so the last thing I want to do is bore you. However I can appreciate the fact that should I wish to increase such a following I might need to add some relevant content on a more regular basis. I really would like to but you know me, I want it to be perfect and yet fail because it isn’t. I’m learning that if I merely try it will be better than what I would have producing otherwise. So with that…

Here is a quick update on an ongoing drama that seemed like a good thing. But like they say, “If it’s seems to good to be true, it probably is.”

I placed an add on Craig’s List to rent a room out of my house and had what sounded like an ideal roommate. “She” was purported from the Netherlands and working in the UK. We communicated a little via e-mail and seemed like a decent person. She indicated that she would be sending me the deposit for the room and additional for moving expense. Now right there I should have had all kinds of bells and whistles going of but hey, I’m a trusting kind of guy. When the deposit did arrive they were in the form of Money Orders from Wal*Mart, which further added to the puzzle because I did not expect 1.) Money orders and 2.) Wal*Mart in the UK?!?. Hey stranger things have happened, so I went with it. The next part is where I started to feel a bit funny about the whole thing but, again I went with it because if it worked out that this was just a naïve girl that thought this was the best way to do something then so be it. If not well, trust but verify. “She” – I use that because I don’t know anymore – wanted me to send on the money for her moving expenses to some guy back in the UK. This is, like I’ve said, where I really started to feel a touch uneasy. Luckily, despite her requests to expedite the money via Western Union, I did nothing or the sort and rather waited until the hold had cleared from the bank. THIS IS WERE YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION!!! Just because the hold clears doesn’t mean the money is really there, and when it turns out the money orders are counterfeit the bank will gladly withdrawal the money right back out of your account. Luckily for me I did not send the money the very instant it cleared hold, although I almost did, and I am only out time and potential revenue and not any real money. Unfortunately, I really could have used the added income but then I guess I just need to be more stringent about my spending for a bit longer.

Anyway, I am sure it is a fake address or something but should anyone want to pay one Mr. James Bosse, 5 Beaufort Street, London, England W6 3EA a visit please send him (or her) my regards. The local police were not really interested because I did not loose any money, but I did look into the FTC to try to add to the list of charges should this person ever get caught. Not a likely thing but again just in case.

So I guess that means I will have to redo my ad and be a touch more diligent when accepting offers. Look for more as I am sure the whole thing will be a bit of an adventure.

‘til then

Know that you’re loved,

D

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown

Woof woof

How much is that doggie in the window?

Men's Private Night

Please forward to the men in your life...

What: Men's Private Night

When: Wednesday, September 7th from 5-8 pm

Where: Marshall Field's Somerset

While there, receive 15% off all purchases and support Affirmations - 5% of all proceeds will be donated back to Center.

Showcasing: Designers Paul Smith, D&G, Thomas Pink Shop, Alexander Saville, Armani, Hugo Boss, LaCoste and Polo.Skin care products from Shiseido, Calrins, Clinique and Aramis.

Stylist Jeanne Yard (has styled for George Clooney, Tom Hanks and Evan McGregor) on hand for short presentations at 6 & 7 PM.

Come anytime between 5-8pm and dress as you are - be comfortable. Marshall Fields will have food and beverages, music and flowers.

Affirmations is thrilled that Marshall Field's is giving us this opportunity and providing a fun evening. We thank Marshall Fields for this opportunity and also for their recent donation of $3,000 toward our programs and services.
See you on the 7th.

Affirmations Lesbian and Gay Community Center

Everyday People. Building Community.
195 West Nine Mile Rd

Ferndale, MI 48220

Phone: 248.398.7105 Fax: 248.541.1943

Email: info@GoAffirmations.org

Web: www.GoAffirmations.org

Contact: Kathleen LaTosch, Special Events / Marketing Director248-398-7105 ext. 15

This too shall pass

Letting go has never come easy for me. I do not entirely know why, save that I can clearly identify very early memories where I would not or could not never something. Be it a toy a memory or even a scar I had to return to it. Little much has changed over all these many years.

I love him. I truly do, and I know that I always will. I also know that it takes more than my own love to hold something together and despite all my wanting and wishing to the contrary we have parted our ways and I must accept that. Hopefully putting that into writing will help.

I do not know what the future holds and remain open to the chance of happiness someday.

Until then...

please fasten your seat belts

We just received notification that the next few weeks may be rather turbulent, for you safety we please ask that you sit back with your seat belts securely fastened about you. 

 

May be?!?  If the next few may be what the ^%$#@$! Have the last few been?  Anyway, just checking in to say that yes things are pretty rough right now and I don’t know if I’ll make the flight unscathed. 

 

More later

 

Tuscalusitania

Just as an update I will be spending the next week in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. While I look forward to the change of scenery and opportunity to make an impact with my job I dread the thought of spending a week in the epicenter of the anti-gay South. (As opposed to the pro-gay South?!?) but you know what I mean.

I should be back a week from tomorrow with any luck in one piece.

Wish me luck, eh!

We the Blue People

I love it!

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Wal-Mart and Enron.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Bob Jones University.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Mississippi.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single pregnant moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Ouch

So the depression continues. At a fervor pitch and pace that can only mean disaster if not acted upon soon. I've not written much, or moreover I've not published much. Some of the purpose is to hash out ideas and concepts on my own time uninterrupted and encumbered. I cannot censor myself and I dare not risk misunderstanding by my raw thoughts and words. I stand to loose so much and gain so little, save for the long term, that I fear what may lie ahead.

We are in uncharted territory here folks and yes it is scary but there is a reward out there somewhere I just hope that I find what I'm looking for.

Until then, as always...

Know that you are loved,

D

Good Question

HAMLET

Act II, Scene 3

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.-- Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

William Shakespeare

This I Believe... me too!

I agree. Thank you Andrew.

An American Creed

I believe in life. I believe in treasuring it as a mystery that will never be fully understood, as a sanctity that should never be destroyed, as an invitation to experience now what can only be remembered tomorrow. I believe in its indivisibility, in the intimate connection between the newest bud of spring and the flicker in the eye of a patient near death, between the athlete in his prime and the quadriplegic vet, between the fetus in the womb and the mother who bears another life in her own body.

I believe in liberty. I believe that within every soul lies the capacity to reach for its own good, that within every physical body there endures an unalienable right to be free from coercion. I believe in a system of government that places that liberty at the center of its concerns, that enforces the law solely to protect that freedom, that sides with the individual against the claims of family and tribe and church and nation, that sees innocence before guilt and dignity before stigma. I believe in the right to own property, to maintain it against the benign suffocation of a government that would tax more and more of it away. I believe in freedom of speech and of contract, the right to offend and blaspheme, as well as the right to convert and bear witness. I believe that these freedoms are connected -- the freedom of the fundamentalist and the atheist, the female and the male, the black and the Asian, the gay and the straight.

I believe in the pursuit of happiness. Not its attainment, nor its final definition, but its pursuit. I believe in the journey, not the arrival; in conversation, not monologues; in multiple questions rather than any single answer. I believe in the struggle to remake ourselves and challenge each other in the spirit of eternal forgiveness, in the awareness that none of us knows for sure what happiness truly is, but each of us knows the imperative to keep searching. I believe in the possibility of surprising joy, of serenity through pain, of homecoming through exile.

And I believe in a country that enshrines each of these three things, a country that promises nothing but the promise of being more fully human, and never guarantees its success. In that constant failure to arrive -- implied at the very beginning -- lies the possibility of a permanently fresh start, an old newness, a way of revitalizing ourselves and our civilization in ways few foresaw and one day many will forget. But the point is now. And the place is America.

July 4, 2005, NPR. copyright © 2000, 2005 Andrew Sullivan

http://www.andrewsullivan.com/main_article.php?artnum=20050704

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4723006

Cathartic enough for you

Wow reading the last few blogs speaks volumes. Enough of the gloomy Gus syndrome OK!?!

So obviously I need to work on relationship issues. I also need to focus on me. It can be conflicting because the relationship is beyond the person, at the same time however, I know that my relationship, for all its short comings, is important to me. Thus it is important to have a relationship. It is clearly not a healthy relationship but what ever is, and besides just because someone isn’t healthy doesn’t mean we kill them does it? Why then should it be different with a relationship?

I’ve been to the gym more times in the last few weeks than the previous six months. I’ve also felt better, and ironically worse, in the last few weeks. More over I have just felt. This is a good thing. Any way here’s to the journey!

...

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. Rather it makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along.

- Javan.

non sequitur

So it comes to this. I’m not surprised actually, perhaps a little disappointed but never the less I’m not surprised. The truth is I should have known long ago. Of course it has taken quite some time for sufficient information to fill in enough of the gaps to see what it was that I was looking at. Looking at not looking for, let’s be clear about that. Obviously the mind has a way of letting us see what we want to even when nothing closely resembling that is actually before our eyes. The mind and the heart.

Fortunately, or not perhaps, time has a way of wearing all things down, and without proper maintenance, proper TLC if you will, even the most elaborate façade will begin to erode, exposing any flaws or inherent weaknesses in the structure. That of course doesn’t mean without a veneer there is less value or less desire, save only that what flaws there are, are now known. It is then to the viewer to make that call for themselves what is beauty and worthy of possession. What may be unwanted by one may be invaluable to another.

Perspective too should be considered. Viewed at one angle rather than another, what is seen could easily be unrecognizable from the next or so unique as to be surprising that it was not previously observed. It is then duty of the observer not the observed to fully explore orientation and position before fully casting judgment. Could one place cast shadow over a flaw that when brought to the light of day, rend it undesirable? Can that flaw be overlooked? Is there a way to repair it or does the flaw add or embellish character?

We admire roses for their sweet fragrant flowers, soft velvet petals, and rich vibrant colors despite their thorns that can prick us, draw blood and inflict pain. It is therefore the requirement of the gardener to learn how to handle the rose, to protect themselves, to respect the rose from a distance or to risk injury for rewards sake.

A dilapidated building with a structure intact can prove a valuable reward to those who through their effort rebuild to its former grandeur. Unforeseen problems however can slowly wear at those who would otherwise seek to repair that which is already itself worn down. Thus requiring a second choice: continue the work at hand and adjust to accommodate the new problems, the hope begin that the total of the repairs will be completed and the finished structure will provide haven for the weary, or focus efforts inward replenishing the worn, salving wounds prepared to begin work anew when better days come. The risk involved and the dilemma presented is a judgment of how much work the new problems present as opposed to the available resources to complete the task at hand, this met with a third judgment as to how many more ‘unforeseen’ problems still exist, once naively unexpected and now cautiously anticipated, the result of which would further diminish an already compromised pool of resources, prolong the completion and exacerbate the exhaustion of the weary. As this cycle progresses an additional judgment enters into the process to either abandon the project at hand, accepting defeat for having too long neglected the original façade allowing too many exposed flaws and having entered into the endeavor with insufficient ability or resources to ever acceptably complete the repairs or to persevere and continue, despite insurmountable odds, knowing full well that the path chosen may well be your end.

Then ask yourself am I the one repairing or the one being repaired?

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty

Trauma

Some wounds run so deep that the healing of them hurt almost as much as the original injury; and some wounds run so deep...


they never heal.

Memories

"Perhaps everybody has a garden of Eden, I don't know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both. People who remember court madness through pain, the pain of the perpetually recurring death of their innocence; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare." Giovanni's Room - James Baldwin

The Grads

Love Conquers

I attended the alternate graduation in Howell yesterday. It was almost surreal. Never in my childhood would I have imagined that place to have been as welcoming and positive. Obviously there remains a great deal of the past in it’s current form but the currents of change run swift and strong and even the hardest rock will not win in the end. I was brought to tears a few times as eloquent speeches and honors were bestowed upon the three graduates who chose to stand up to hate.

I am amazed at the coverage that it has received. Obviously the local and regional press were in attendance but the coverage expanded past this to include many larger national papers and even an interview of one of the group on BBC.

Kate and I have discussed writing an article for BTL as well. It would be apropos for to alumni from there who are now out and active members of the LGBT community to do so, we thought.

All in all it think it is a good sign and an indication that though things are not always going our way the direction of change is ultimately in our favor. The future seems better every day.

Radio 1 to Radio 2

G'd Morning Ya'll

I'm taking a quick break from Post-Election Campaign Finance Statements to drop a quick update.

Last Weekend's Motor City Pride was quite successful although the heat was a bit of a challenge. Actually as memory serves last year we had treats of rain and oppressive heat then too. All in all it was a good time. I could have done without a certain co-chair but then I don't think I was the only one. Like most other volunteered activities I'll need some time before I commit to next year.

Yeah I know it isn't much but the statements are overdue and the fines are steep so back to work!

Angels & Demons

A really interesting book that in some ways seems to balance the Da Vinci Code in its support of conspiracy theory's and the historical Catholic Church. It seems to be very pro-religious in it's arguments and not overly condemning of the 'supposed' actions of the Church.

What I find to be incredibly interesting is the fact/fiction mixing that occurs in both this book and The Da Vinci Code. Keeping in mind that both books are identified as fiction it is surprising the number of books published to attach and dissect the flaws contained within. It's fiction it is allowed to be divergent from fact, in fact it is required to be so. This strikes me as "Me thinks the gentlemen doth protest too much." Which of course only make it more believable not less, but oops it's fiction...

June 11th Support Howell High School Seniors Who Opposed Hate

This was forwarded to me so I thought I would send it on the best way I know how.

From: Joe Summers

Subject: Urgent: June 11th Support Howell High School Seniors Who Opposed Hate

(Please forward to any you think might be interested in supporting this.)

Recently three seniors from Howell High School, Derrick Weber, Shayna Kamilar and Vinnie Mascola, were suspended for the rest of the year -- including participation in any senior activities: graduation, awards ceremonies, concerts etc.-- for protesting anti-gay graffiti. I hope we can do all we can to show our appreciation for them and to protest their suspensions.

My understanding of the story is as follows. There is a large rock in front of Howell High School on which students paint messages. A friend of theirs, who is openly gay, was the star of the school play "Pippin." Over a painting advertising the play someone spray painted "God hates fags." Seeing this Derrick, Shayna, Vinnie, and another student in turn spray painted the word "love" over this message. In an action similar to what students did two years ago, when a Howell senior committed suicide, they then went on to spray paint the world "love" on the sidewalks and driveway. The school administration suspended them for ten days while they reviewed their actions. Two to three hundred students protested this action in a peaceful sit-in. Shortly afterwards the administration suspended Derrick, Shayna, and Vinnie for the remainder of the year.

In their defense the students point out that no one at the time, or later, ever said the graffiti action of two years ago had been wrong. They also point to numerous instances where the administration has overlooked hateful speech and conduct that they have brought to their attention in the past. These also violated the student code, yet nothing was done about them.

The administration claims "there are two sides to every story." The only other side to the story that emerged during the students' hearings was that the administration recognized that they were model students (one of them was recently honored as the senior of the year) who were trying to uphold the value of respect for the dignity of all that the student code is meant to protect. . But, the administration insists, "rules are rules" and the students must bear the consequences of breaking them.

It would be reasonable to expect the students should be responsible to pay for any costs connected with cleaning up the graffiti. But in addition to this, the administration instead chose to apply the harsh penalties developed to respond to the very disruptive actions of graduating seniors who in the past thought they could get away with anything. That bears no resemblance to this situation. Though many many parents and students have spoken to both the school board and the superintendent to suggest that the unusual circumstances warrant some kind of intervention--their appeals have fallen on deaf ears. Thus Derrick, Shayna, and Vinnie are being deprived of their ability to experience the culmination of all their years of hard work participation in choir/musical concerts, award ceremonies, graduation etc.) because they tried to stand up for their friend and boldly and imaginatively to confront hate in their culture. The injustice of this has tainted the whole feel of graduation for their friends and families who have supported them through these many years.

There will be an alternative graduation celebration for Derrick, Shayna, and Vinnie on Saturday June 11th. Those who want to support them and celebrate their achievements are invited to attend. The hope is that this celebration can in some measure make up for what has been taken from them. The students and their families have requested that this be an occasion of celebration and affirmation of the kind that the students would have enjoyed had they been allowed to participate in graduation.

After weeks of trying to get their youth back in school, the families are somewhat overwhelmed trying to plan this celebration so I agreed to do what I could to help facilitate it. If you know speakers or musicians that you think would contribute to the program please let me know and I will check with the students and their families to see whether they think it would fit in with the program. If you have resolutions of support, or letters, for Derrick, Shayna, and Vinnie they can be sent to Derrick's mom, Colleen Chrzanowsiki, 2290 Hickory Circle Dr., Howell MI 48855. Similarly, if you would like to contribute funds to go either towards the costs of the celebration, or towards the legal expenses the families are incurring- checks can be made out to Colleen. Lastly, if there are any who wish to donate towards some kind of scholarships for these three, all of whom will be attending college in the fall, please let me know. As this celebration will be a week from today it would be helpful to hear from you as soon as possible.

Below you will see the public announcement the families recently sent out.

Joe Summers

Vicar, The Episcopal Church of the Incarnation

Alternative Graduation Celebration for Suspended Students: The parents of Howell High School seniors Derrick Weber, Shayna Kamilar and Vinnie Mascola are proud to be holding a Graduation Ceremony to celebrate the achievements of their sons and daughter. The ceremony will be held on Saturday June 11th at 6:00 pm at Page Athletic Field in Howell City Park, 415 N. Barnard Street.

We are grateful for the support expressed by members of the community here in Livingston County as well as others in greater southeast MI. We welcome those who wish to join in our celebration. We have scheduled our ceremony specifically to avoid any conflict with the commencement activity at Howell High School so that those wishing to join us may do so without having to choose between the two. We strongly encourage Howell High Seniors to walk with their class as OUR students wish they could.

We also request that guests who join us please understand our desire to celebrate our students Graduations with our friends and family without protests or emonstrations. We recognize some of the divided opinions in the community about the issues that lead us to hold this event; however we respectfully ask that those strong opinions be set aside for this occasion so that our students and their families may build the same memories that accompany this once-in-a-lifetime milestone for every graduate.

I hope to see you there.

D

The Mirror Project

I just received confirmation of my second posting on The Mirror Project. This one was a complete accident. It probably could have been multiple submissions the way it came out.

Take a look at my first submission from back in March.

Incommunicado

Yes, yes, yes; I know I haven’t written much lately. I haven’t felt the drive to do so. Some days I am just to busy and other days I just don’t care to. It has felt as though there wasn’t much to share but in retrospect there is actually quite a bit. Here are some of the highlights in no particular order.

Balthazar and son of Archibald are gone.
A cute twenty something guy helped move my gas meter, the other guys called him “two beers”
I sold the Sebring
My sister is moving to San Francisco, she wanted me to adopt one of her cats that she fears won’t make the trip, I had to say no on account of A*
I am on the board for another three year term
My sister-in-law filed for divorce from the twin
The floor upstairs is complete
My latest camera is kaput

Reflections of current events, the weather and the Memorial Holiday aside life is moving along. I will probably be traveling toward the end of this month or the beginning of next. I hope to let you know more, later.

I don’t want to stop writing, so bare with me.

Until next time, as always – Know that you’re loved,

D

Show your support to Ford

As some of you know the American Family Association has organized a boycott of Ford Motor Company. This boycott is in response to Ford's support of their LGBT employees, consumers, and community. Ford's support of Affirmations' Open the Doors Capital and Endowment Campaign is specifically called out in the boycott website and the news coverage today.

Please take a moment to read today's article in the Detroit Free Press , and to review the AFA website.

Affirmations is requesting that each of you send along an e-mail to the Ford Motor Company Fund - their contact information is located at the following website: http://www.ford.com/en/support/contactUs.htm Please share with them how much you appreciate their support of the LGBT community and their LGBT employees. Specifically thanking them for their support of Affirmations' Open the Doors Capital and Endowment Campaign would be beneficial as well, since their contribution is specifically listed as one of the reasons for the boycott.

Also, if you would like your responses to also go to the press so they have the LGBT's perspective on things please copy your message to:

letters@freepress.com

letters@detnews.com

Thanks so much for your time and consideration!

Michael J. Mirto
Development Director

Affirmations Lesbian and Gay Community Center
195 West Nine Mile Road, Ferndale, MI 48220
PH:248.398.7105 x 17 FAX:248.541.1943

www.GoAffirmations.org
Everyday People. Building Community