Forgiveness

Friday night at the Necto.

A bunch of us did a night in A2. Dinner at the Arbor brewing company. Then dancing at the Necto. It was the first time that I had been out in a while. It was a mix of fun and stress, anxiety and pleasure.

I’m still processing the many issues of the last year and trying to get through them as best possible. I had a beer at the club which wasn’t enough to completely cut the nerves but it helped somewhat. This place can be somewhat intimidating because it is filled predominately by the 18 ~ 25 that attend university there. On the surface being surrounded by the younger crowd can make you feel a little bit older that reality. Upon reflection they lack the very experience and maturity I would want and no amount of beauty or vitality can make up for that in the long run. There were however several guys there that would, in appearance and demeanor, have those qualities and more. Maybe next time I’ll work up the never to actually talk to one of them. (I’m not big on rejection right now and also want to know they are interested so…)

In the ‘got knocked off my horse’ category I ran into A* there as well. It was nice to see him but nevertheless it was definitely the singular turbulence moment of the evening. I made a few other observations that both hurt and helped. And with most things I want to know and am afraid to. If you pick at a wound it will never heal. I’m more than ready to move on and I know that I have already made strides to do so but I still have a ton of emotions to process and plenty of healing still ahead. MGF told me that part of all of this could be made easier if I could forgive. In his words I shouldn’t be part of the hurt in this world. In a way I think that I already have but know that parts still linger. The real problem that I have is that it is hard to forgive when there isn’t an admission to guilt or even a request for forgiveness. It’s difficult when I still feel the way that I do, but easier knowing that part of me will not change and in time it will fade.

The Big Bash 2006

Affirmations Lesbian and Gay Community Center proudly celebrates 17 years of service at its single largest annual fundraising event, The Big Bash. This year we’re celebrating the people and events that fueled our past and drive our future. Upon arrival, guests will revisit both inspiring and heartbreaking moments of LGBT history displayed against the stunning backdrop of GM’s best in automotive design throughout the last 100 years.

The location is one of our area’s best-kept secrets, The GM Heritage Center. Available only for private affairs, it showcases more than 150 historically significant concept and production vehicles from as early as 1903 in a beautiful 81,000 square-foot facility. Guests will see Woodward Avenue as they’ve never seen it before!

Support Affirmations' work with gay and lesbian youth, seniors, and families by joining fellow on-lookers at this celebration of the people who inspire us. Limited Edition tickets are $250 and include complimentary valet parking, an invitation to a private, pre-event guided tour of the facility and more. Classic level tickets are $150 provide one general admission to the event. Make your reservation today by calling 248-398-7105.

When: Saturday, April 29, 2006, beginning at 6:00pm. Private tour for Limited Edition guests begins at 5:00pm.

Where:GM Heritage Center6400 Center Drive, Sterling Heights, Michigan

How Much:Classic tickets, $150Limited Edition tickets, $250 and include:

• Complimentary valet parking
• Invitation to the private, guided tour (begins at 5pm the same evening)
• Special recognition in our evening program and other treats

To purchase tickets online, go to http://www.thebigbash.org/(a $3.50 online processing fee will be assessed by Box Office Tickets)

What's Included:Open BarFull dinner, vegetarian options available upon requestMusical EntertainmentLive Auction Silent Art AuctionRaffle

Call to reserve your tickets today -- 248-398-7105Come Celebrate our Heritage!

Crash

I know I should be hoping that Brokeback Mountain will win but I don't feel that it is the best. My personal favorite is 'Crash'.

I've always had a thing for the way some story lines can show the interconnection of life and 'Crash' does that with a twist.

The acting in the movie isn't always first rate but the overall movie is good. The same could be said of Brokeback save that were it not for the controversy of the film I so not know if it would even be in contention.

For the record I posted this a full hour before the award. Note below...

This year's Academy Awards

brought to you by the committee to promote movies played in movie theaters.

Is it just me or does this year's Oscars feel like one big commercial to go see a movie in a theater?

Well the thing is...

The problem with turning a corner is that you cannot see what's coming at you. It's been a rough week for a number or reasons.

My router is fried so doing anything on-line right now is a pain and I cannot connect to work so I've had to put in a few extra hours there to do some of the things I had started to do here.

Spent the weekend with my nephew. We had a lot of fun but I was ready for him to go home. It apparently showed because toward the end he even asked if I was getting annoyed with him. It wasn't so much that, as it was that his father was supposed to have picked him up hours before and I missed out on something I had been hoping to do. So be it.

The cute guy from last week has disappeared into the either. Though I have made zero attempt to contact him and I realize because of certain people I am not yet willing to be the one to put anything out there for rejection. It makes me sad and angry at the same time. Sad for the obvious that I still have some way to go and angry because I now recognize this as something that was taken from me. I am not the same person I was, and at the present I am feeling as though that may not be an all together positive thing. In many ways I might be worse off now than before, not stronger.

The saying goes it is always darkest before the dawn. Well then I'm ready to wake up. I grow weary of the darkness and long for the light.

I know it will be some time still and the hard parts may yet lay head. Let's hope I see those things coming...

I am so hollow

Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.