Forgiveness

Friday night at the Necto.

A bunch of us did a night in A2. Dinner at the Arbor brewing company. Then dancing at the Necto. It was the first time that I had been out in a while. It was a mix of fun and stress, anxiety and pleasure.

I’m still processing the many issues of the last year and trying to get through them as best possible. I had a beer at the club which wasn’t enough to completely cut the nerves but it helped somewhat. This place can be somewhat intimidating because it is filled predominately by the 18 ~ 25 that attend university there. On the surface being surrounded by the younger crowd can make you feel a little bit older that reality. Upon reflection they lack the very experience and maturity I would want and no amount of beauty or vitality can make up for that in the long run. There were however several guys there that would, in appearance and demeanor, have those qualities and more. Maybe next time I’ll work up the never to actually talk to one of them. (I’m not big on rejection right now and also want to know they are interested so…)

In the ‘got knocked off my horse’ category I ran into A* there as well. It was nice to see him but nevertheless it was definitely the singular turbulence moment of the evening. I made a few other observations that both hurt and helped. And with most things I want to know and am afraid to. If you pick at a wound it will never heal. I’m more than ready to move on and I know that I have already made strides to do so but I still have a ton of emotions to process and plenty of healing still ahead. MGF told me that part of all of this could be made easier if I could forgive. In his words I shouldn’t be part of the hurt in this world. In a way I think that I already have but know that parts still linger. The real problem that I have is that it is hard to forgive when there isn’t an admission to guilt or even a request for forgiveness. It’s difficult when I still feel the way that I do, but easier knowing that part of me will not change and in time it will fade.