Yawn

With campaign finance statements due in a few days I have been tied up with those. Between working up to 7 at night, campaign statements and Big Bash I have had to be in front of the computer with little time to write. I do want to reflect on the Yoga workshop I went to. Maybe in a few days.

'til then...

Know that you're loved,

D

Tick tock

There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day lately. The new job is good, frustrating at times but I am getting through that. My days fly by and more often than not I am still working away several hours after I should have already gone home. The up side of that is I hope to get some recognition for my efforts and it passed the time. The down side is many of the other things I want to do just don't get done. This of course many not be any different than before but I have a real sense that I need to do more with less and that bugs me.

Campaign Finance Statements are due in a week and while I have most of the information I am still missing one or two tid bits that could make all the difference. Still I don't expect to have to stay up all night this time.

Time is running out on the Capital Campaign too. With less than one week to go we only need $18,784 out of $5,300,000. Anyone want to write a check? There were a lot of people that worked very hard on this project.

Mr. Sandman

Once again I cannot sleep. It's nothing new that my mind is going a mile a minute when I should be sound asleep. The chatter that goes on inside my skull sometimes is amazing. It's nothing crazy or insane it's just chatter. Imagine a conversation with yourself set in a busy coffee shop or restaurant filled with many other conversations. The conversations are generally more like one way monologues rehashing my day planning the next.

Now throw in short attention span theater and you get a review of last week and planning for next month. Reminiscing about past loves wondering about loves to come. Ofcourse none of this would be complete without something to regret over. Some future to worry about. Too numerous plans made, far more than any one individual can complete. And this of course is just an over view.

Eventually the sleep does come and the dreams pick up where the waking mind left off. I can only hope to eventual tame the noise and clam my mind long before midnight hoping that tonight I can get a decent night's rest.

I miss having A* to cuddle up to the rhythm of his breathing and the beat of his heart gave me something to concentrate on. The love shared keeping me insulated for the moment.

I am far from that time now and the best I can do is try to be at peace with what I have. Sweet dreams to you all may you find comfort tonight.

Google this

All of the news stories about the Google subpoena battle should have people thinking about what is really private when it comes to the internet. If you know anything about the internet, particularly if you have a working knowledge on the development of the early days, or ARPANET, then you should no that where ever you go on-line, whatever you do you leave a trail. Most of commercial websites, if not all of them, can tell what IP address you came from, whether you were referred by another website, found the site by a search engine - and if so which search engine and what your search criteria were, or if you jumped directly to that site. They can tell approximately how long you were there, and how you left. And that I'm sure is only the tip of the iceberg.

Granted none of the information left behind will, per se, tell them who you are specifically. But an established history and repeated hits to a site can provide some information to hint at your identity.

So is it a problem? I for one have so much out there that it would be silly for me to fret over. I have little intention of doing anything even remotely illegal, on-line or elsewhere so I don't really care. The information stored is so massive the companys that store the information can only ever hope to come up with generalizations. And the government... well while I will always question their intent to some degree , especially with our current administration, I balance that with their utter incompetence to do any real harm.

So next time you are going to "google" some porn think twice, or don't.

Reflections in the Mirror

There were plenty of perfect picture opportunities while at the autoshow, granted far fewer opportunities than if I had gone the week before. Perhaps next year. The camera I had was less than ideal however. If the photos weren't blurry then I just couldn't get the entire car into the frame. Frustrating to say the least. Combined with the overall crowd I wasn't up for hanging out at Cobo much more than I did. Besides it's just dreaming on cars I cannot afford right now.

NAIAS

Autoshow Crazy

Spending the day, or rather an hour at the Auto Show was about enough for me. Luckily I went with my little brother so it got to be a bit longer than that.

525,600 minutes

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin. 24 hours later I was pushed out of the plane. While I may have been handed a parachute before heading for a free fall I did not have the opportunity to put it on or figure out how it worked.

I could probably run on for a while with this metaphor but I think you get the drift. Things have been coming back to me. I guess because I have had the time to think and the hurt is starting to subside. The problem with all of this is the what if's, and I should have's that start to emerge. I can never seem to stop rehashing and revisiting the past. I beat myself up over things I did and should have done differently just as much as I beat myself up for things I did not do. There were times when I was too strong and others when I was not strong enough; moments when my patience could have been more and moments when my patience turned me into a dish rag.

I once thought if I were laid off it would be the end of the world.

I once didn't care that I couldn't handle my drinking.

I once thought I had met the love of my life.

I once said I would never sell my car.

I once...

This time one year ago my life was in a tailspin, and it was the beginning of the end for many things, it was not however the end of beginnings. After I hit the ground, however rough that landing might have been, I survived. I am only now learning to fly again. Only a little worse for the ware, I know I fly will again some day. I still don't trust myself, my instincts or my heart enough to think I can fly alone and fear that it may be some time before I do. That time will come and I will be ready when it does.

Learn from your mistakes and from those times life doesn't go the way you wish. Forget regret...

If Love is

If Love is a force of nature: Then I am dealing with a drought after a hurricane. and I'm pissed at the weather man.

and the winner is...

Brokeback Mountain

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: Written by Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana Based upon the original short story by Annie Proulx. It helps to have an excellent story to start with but credit must be given to their ability to transform the story into a screen play that transitioned the text into the visual.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture: "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" A good song I guess, though I cannot say that I recall hearing it. Then again none of the songs nominated this year are major stand-outs. Do you ever wonder if there are some years were they would really rather just skip certain awards for the year?

Best Director - Motion Picture: Angie Lee He has not directed that many films but what he has have been recognized as excellent pieces of work. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Eat Drink Man Woman; and The Wedding Banquet to name but a few. Way to go Ang, keep up the good work. Oh, we all forgive you for The Hulk now.

Best Motion Picture - Drama: Brokeback Mountain It's a real credit to the movie, the actors and the director. In the ideal world, the place where many only dream, we could say the award was based strictly on the merit of the performance, directing, production and writing. In this real world we have to acknowledge the importance of the content of the movie and recognize the ground breaking message this award sends. I am happy tonight.

"Love is a force of Nature"

Golden Globes

Still trying to figure out why I stay up late to watch The Golden Globes of course I suppose this would be the gay equivalent of the play-offs. Even still I'm sure I'll be beat tomorrow and my life won't really be different for having seen the awards live or finding out in the AM. But we do it so...

Dakota Johnson, this year's Miss Golden Globe, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith - herself Miss Golden Globe 1975, daughter of Tippi Hedren - looked to be a bit stage struck.

Sleeper Cell did not win for best mini-series. Too bad 'cause I thought it was pretty good. But I guess since it was the only mini-series I saw any part of I'm not a qualified to prejudge the others.

Reese Witherspoon, won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. She has all she needs in her husband. Two words - Yumm ee. I just remember seeing Little Boy Blue. Let's just say he deserved some type of award for a certain performance in that film!

And in a surprise Mary Louise Parker won for Best Actress in a Television Series. She deserves it. And given the other four nominees where from Desperate Housewives I thought it a foregone conclusion that someone from that cast would win. I'm torn, because seeing those ladies go at it if one of them had won would have been worth it.

All of this of course is the build up to the Best Motion Picture award to see if Brokeback Mountain will win. The other movies are good competition so well see. I cannot help but hope that it does win. While it will not mean a tidal change in the current climate perhaps it will signal a change in the swing of the pendulum. Let's hope.

Dr. MLK Jr. Day

Spending the day doing a lot of the things that I don't normally like to do but have been putting off (ironing shirts are at the top of the list.) Listening to the radio and reflecting.

Of course perhaps today I should be doing something to give back. The preference is to call today a National Day of Action rather than just a National Holiday. I would counter that by saying 1.) Doing some of these things today allows me to participate in such Action the rest of the month and 2.) The day isn't over and trust if I don't have something to go to later tonight.

I have thought about what side I would have been on were I alive in 1965, if any. I know now that I would have wanted to be involved, though my circumstances may have made it difficult. That said I believe my desire to come out on the side of support is in part to the history that brings us to today and my own personal experience to this point. Clearly my own life would have been different if the timeline were shifted by 40 years, and further the history that has fermented my opinions was being made at that point so my opinions would be different could potentially be different, and most likely would be.

Memoirs of a Fictionalist

I've had this feeling, or recurring thought, that many of the blogs I read are somewhat removed from the realm of reality. Particularly those that portend to be actual accounts of an individual's life and their sexual adventures. I will concede that some stories may be based upon actual events I cannot help but question the frequency and intensity of those events.

I had thought that maybe it was just me. Inasmuch as I haven't really been doing anything even close to the scale of their adventures I have thought it is entirely possible the stories are true. But really are there that many Brian Kinney's out there? Probably not.

A really juicy story will be read by far more people than those less intriguing (regrettably I would put this blog into the latter category). You can see that in the case of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. It's based on actual events at best. A memoir where the actual details have been grossly exaggerated or altogether fabricated. At least that is some of the events have received a make over. The problem with this selective treatment is the absolute truth and the gussied up version become indistinguishable. You no longer know what is or is not and need to decide what to take as fact or fiction.

It is understandable in the case of Frey why you may want to embellish the story to help increase sales. In that vein nothing helps to increase sales more than sex. So it would make sense that the sex would likely be more memoir than biographical. Oh I know there is little in the way of financial incentive to do this but if you think people won't go t ascertain lengths just to get a few more hits on their site you clearly haven't be in the blogosphere much.

The ranking, rating and reviewing that goes on feeds the egos of many a blogger. Even more there is some money to be made with Google Ads or other third party links from the blog. All of that said I don't know that I want them to change one bit.

I have felt some push to be more creative in my own blogging but I suppose that to be creative does not need to mean becoming fictional or graphic - not that there would be much anyway but still.

Ok so I'm rambling at this point so good night...

WTF

I don't know which is better the look of shock on the one monkey's face or the smug look on th other one's

Happy Friday the Thirteenth

I'm staying inside today...

Come down from the Mountain

In the last week there have been a number of reviews of Brokeback Mountain that have gotten some attention, or that I've notice at the least. The obvious one that comes to mind is that of Gene Shalit wherein he referred to Jack as a "sexual predator", who "tracks Ennis down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts". While I don't accept the premise that Jack coaxed Ennis into anything I do agree somewhat with the sexual predator title. At least that is during the scene of their first sexual experience. While I will concede there was some allusion to a growing attraction between the two prior to that night I couldn't help feel the first time the two had sex the initiator was clearly Jack and I personally felt that Ennis appeared as though he not only wanted nothing to do with what Jack was pursuing that he was on the verge of assaulting Jack to prevent what was about to happen. Of course that is until he flipped Jack, spit on his hand, and had his way with him. Not one of the finer acting scenes I've ever watched. I just didn't buy what had happened. "Predator" is a perfect description of how it appeared to me at the time; for that scene. I will concede that shortly thereafter, as the movie proceeded, their relationship evolved as it could in the time and place that they were in. That part of the movie I felt was a great depiction of how a relationship between two men might have been for the era.

Of course Shalit has issued an apology. In this I am torn between accepting that he didn't mean any harm, and as such can concede that if there were those that were hurt or offended then by right there should be an apology, and asking why anyone was offended. Granted I may be in the minority in concurring with the predator label, even if for just a period, anyone who actually saw the Shalit review on the Today show and who knows his style should have agreed that it was done without malice. Shalit has a rather wry sense of humor, watch the other reviews of the week and I think you'll see what I mean. Besides look at the man, does he look like a man who should be taken completely serious? Really people?!?

It is, in my opinion, yet another example where the GLBT community has it's hissy fit over yet another trite matter, again losing sight of the forest for the trees. We end up being a bunch of whiney cry babies anytime we get a paper cut.

Any movie like this, that breaks new ground on subject matter that is less than fully embarrassed by a full majority of society is bound to have strong reactions for or against. Leonard Pitts, true to his style has clearly come out in defense of the movie and has taken those whose comments were less than educated to task. Long an outspoken ally of the community he uses his strong power of the written word to defend the movie and continue his fight of discrimination.

The review that I like the most comes by way of Vogue and NPR's Fresh Air. Reviewing the movie and defending it, John Powers, addresses some of the reasons for the reactions to this movie and puts it in a light that perhaps is closer to truth than some would admit. Take the time to listen.

The truth hurts

my sides that is, from laughing so hard! Maybe that is why things have been so dull lately, I getting back to being an engineer. Not likely but hey.

Here Comes the Sun

What a fabulous day! The sunshine was magnificent and warm and bright. I welcomed the sunshine even as it blinded me from my desk! The relection off the lake lifted my spirits like no other. Ah the glorious sun. And summer is only 5 short months away.



Today alone made up for the dismal amount of sun we had in all of December.

Long Day

Just getting in now and it's 20 past 10. I just wanted to check in.

Sleep well

I opine

It is unfortunate what happened in West Virginia. I heard plenty of coverage on NPR which got me thinking. Sure there were mistakes made and the mining company should be held accountable but... In my opinion it was irresponsible for the officials on hand to have not said something the minute they realized there was some confusion about the report of survivors, that said we don't yet know to what degree the confusion existed, and some leeway should be granted to them to take a moment to verify the second report that their initial information was incorrect. This is the mistake they made, in that they did not absolutely confirm the first report of survivors. The same burden should be put to the media, one of the fundamental tenants of reporting is to confirm information before releasing that information for public consumption. Then it was reported that some of the victims families were so enraged at the company officials that the officials were assaulted. Then the families had the nerve to say the officials didn't apologize, how could they under such circumstance. Sorry folks you can't have it both ways. Oh, the families were under incredible stress and acted irrationally during a very trying moment? I would like to think it was the same for the officials...

Deep Breaths

I've been planning out my schedule for this coming week trying to incorporate as many things as possible that I know I need to do without going into overload.

I am not going to get to my goals over night so I can take it in steps. So I have my gym bag packed and I have a yoga class that I can go to so that is a great start. I wish I was more into yoga right now 'cause my upper back is killing me and aside from A* no one could ever get it right so it's hurt'n.

I've actually be thinking and reflecting and I am going to seriously make a push to incorporate Yoga as a more central part of my daily routine. I NEED inner peace and I definitly do not have that right now. I know that this part of the year is difficult but I need to be stronger. I'm starting a new year and need to seize on to this as a new begining to get back to those things that I've wanted and know I can do.

I don't need to be 130lbs again, although I wouldn't mind the 28" waist that went along with it. I don't need a boyfriend but I now that I want to share my life with someone (and I assume that to be a boyfriend) But neither of those things, nor some variation thereof will happen tomorrow. I cannot say that I will ever get there, I do not know what will happen in the future. I do know that there will be good things to come and here's looking forward to them.

Namaste

Unspoken

An unexpected "gift"

This great adventure begins
At the foot of my bed
I'll stake claim to you
If you'll discover me
Like a fire in a snowstorm
Our skin casts a contrast
The hell of August's heat
Tamed by a tingling spine
Where words lead to worry
My eyes are you minds mirror
We fantasize and realize
The crash of this crush
We suffer the solace of sheets
The sweetness of sweat
The lingering of lush lips
Hot, honey covered and hungry
Fingers that flex and fold
In a tangle of good intentions
The necessity of this need
Has us tied up and trusting
But with Appolo's Alarm
This memory is set in motion
A love I cannot undo
And I was only passing through

Thank you, and I'm sorry. I cannot explain this maybe someday...

Happy New Year

"Now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been." Rilke

Imagine the possibilities!