Monday, October 31, 2005

Second verse, same as the...

Yet another interview with yet another company tomorrow. This one is for first thing in the morning so it is off to bed for me in a minute. Especially given that I don't have any coffee in the house (I keep meaning to go shopping) I have to get up early so that I have time to get the sleep out of my eyes and the crabby out of my...

I was freaking out most of the day trying to figure out how to handle a second interview with, yes yet one more company especially given the geographical restrictions but I managed to change it to Wednesday at 5. Not an ideal time to be running across town but if it all works out we'll see.

Stay tuned

Sunday, October 30, 2005

World Record My Butt

I hung out with Nicholas yesterday. We got to carve a pumpkin and play in the leaves. It was a nice diversion from the norm. Nicholas is a fun little kid, he'll be a firecracker when he grows up.

Part of the reason for the pumpkin carving was to enter it into a contest in town where they were trying to set a new World's Record. They needed more than 26,000 pumpkins to make a crack at it. Our pumpkin when entered at 7:20PM, little more than 30 minutes before the cut-off point, was number 1034. Needless to say they had a long way to go if they were to make a dent in the remaining time. Sure they had a lot more people down town on a Saturday than normal but I will venture to guess that few families with 3 year olds spent any appreciable time in any of the stores shopping - my presumed ulterior motive for such an event. Anyway, I had fun and there were some interesting entries so it twain't all that bad.

Maybe next year ...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Legend of Sleepy Howell

Nicholas is with Nana and Papa this weekend. Nicholas is going to carve a pumpkin to add to the pumpkin contest in town. It should be a good time.

Out ye dreams

Had another dream last night. This one was odd in that it was a dream itself. I was older as was A*. It was everything I had once hoped we would get to at some point but still I cannot understand why I have these dreams. We aren't together. He wants to focus un himself and I am trying to do the same. Though I must say that part of working on me is working on my relationship.

I do not know if I am not seeing some flaw that he saw. I do not know if he is too strong willed to bring himself to try again. I used to think that things would be better and easier for the both of use together rather than alone. (I suppose I still do) However I accept that I need to do it on my own. I do not want to let go but will for now. I will always love him but I cannot continue to hurt for something that I alone cannot fix. I need to focus my energies on me and my life. To all of you my love and prayers. I hope everyone can find that thing in life that gives meaning and happiness.

Until then,

Know that you're loved,

D

Monday, October 24, 2005

F A T

The company that brought you the G A P and BR introduces FAT. I don’t know that this will go over well but hey, what do I know?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

A father's love

Tonight's West Wing episode was good. I felt well before it was clear that CJ was not the leak and in retrospect it seems natural that Toby would be. What struck me through the show was how the President handled the leak. I got the sense that the hurt and disappointment was not to dissimilar from that of a father to his son. I lack the words to really expand upon that but that was my sense.

A good episode...

Things To Do

Too busy to really reflect right now.

The ground breaking for Affirmations is this afternoon. It don't really want to go but it will be good for me to do something social, more than going to the gym or work. It is a historic time in our communities history and being able to be a part of that doesn't come along every day. The Governor will be there so it has some broader importance.

Tomorrow I have yet another of many interviews. As has been the case I am nervous but calm. I want to do well but I recognize that I do still have a job for the time being so if I do not get it, so be it. Another though has entered my mind of late, that how do I know the company I might work for will be any better than the one I am with? It's negative and I think it comes from the once bitten, twice shy problem plaguing the automotive industry right now. I have to remind myself that the certainty of a job for life is gone and that what I am doing is the right thing.

I hope that I am able to get a better, more stable position soon. I need to start checking some of my "Things To Do:" off my list. Nothing has been easy of late so getting some of these things behind me will allow me to focus on the rest of the list with more focus. Here's hoping.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Just a simple dinner

I am freaking out. Not outwardly, which is good, nevertheless I am barely holding it together right now.

I am supposed to be meeting A* for dinner tonight. It will be the first time since our split that we have spent any appreciable amount of time together and only the third time I have seen him. The intent of the dinner is to talk. About what in specific I do not know. I am unsure if he is merely placating me because he knows that I miss him or if his intent is genuine. Even then I do not know what he wants to talk about or what his aims are. Will he confess his faults and proclaim his desire for reconciliation or will it be to simply reach final closure.

Reading through some of our communications toward the end we both professed our love for the other and asked the other for patience in cooping with the present turbulence. Was it too much? Did we both loose hope in the other? If we had held on would things have made a turn for the better?

What am I to do? Should I make plain my desire to forgive and try again? I know that I too need forgiveness and hope that it can be had. Do I want to be with him again? Will I be able to forget? Can I trust? I know in my heart I can. I tend to give forgiveness and trust easily, I think because I want it in return. I know also that I tend to live my life as an open book so I have little to hide, and therefore little reason – at least in my minds eye – to not be trusted. I know that it can sometime burn me that I allow others in so easily, the hope is that the benefits far out weight the risks.

Will we resolve things for the better or worse tonight? What is better or worse? When will I know?

Know that you’re loved,

D

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Smile

I feel like a big smile right now. I don’t have any particular reason why and I am trying to not analyze it too much for fear that this already fleeting feeling will evaporate sooner.

For the time being I am OK. Sure things could be better but they could be worse too. I am lucky to have the many things in my life and the problems that I face would surely be blessings to others. So for the moment I’m just going to smile and see where it takes me.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I had a dream

As many of my dreams of late this one was a bit odd. I was house sitting for a friend and her parents. A* visited with Rich and Jimmy. It seemed I knew in my dream that A* and I were no longer together. That is itself a bit different from normal, at least insofar as I can recall, in that most of my dreams lately have been A* and I together, some quite erotic... this was not one of those dreams.

I don't quite know what to make of the dream. I know that I have thought a bit about where A* lives now and if he is with anyone. Not that it should be any of my concern if he is or not but nevertheless I wonder. I think how much easier it could be with someone in my life and how in so many ways he fit that. Albeit unwilling to play his part from times and I guess that is what I need to resolve. I seem to have an idealized view of who he and we were.

I miss the simple comfort he provided me, the person to cuddle up to at night, the calming force when things seemed rough. In the ways that a long term partner, a husband if you will, he would have been the ideal. It is in the short term that we did not mesh, and I struggle to understand why. I am not the type of person to simply say well it doesn't work, let's throw it away and find a new one. No, I need to see what I can do to fix it. I'm an engineer. I cannot give up and I think that is what I perhaps need to do.

So many things are hard for me right now. I do not know if I am going to have a job in a month. I do not know if I will be able to pay some of my bills even with the job I have. I have other struggles that I will have to continue to work to overcome. I could drop my desire to be with A* or anyone else right now and focus my energies on improving myself and my situation however I seem to feel that would we return to the life we were sharing many of those other struggles would subside. Not go away mind you but be made less.

I seem to be stuck in this limbo where I almost reach the acceptance that we will not be together and then revert to the feeling that I have returned to so many times before. That all of my instincts tell me he is the one. Time will tell who wins, though I think we all know where the odds fall.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Room for Rent!

OK so let's try this again. I need a roommate. I have come to realize that the slight added income from a renter will greatly ease some of the burden that I am sure to face in the coming months. I expect I will be on the road a fair amount over the next few months and so it will be an added bonus to have someone there, and a plus for him or her in that the run of the house will be theirs.

I am asking $500 utilities included. Which when you think about the cost of heating in the coming months will be a real bargain.

Anyway here are some of the pics that I will be posting. (Actually I am using this space to reference for Craig's List)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

A Picture Share!

You don't see that every day!

Delphi in bankruptcy - 10/09/05

Gulp. We sort of knew this was going to happen. It does surprise me that it would happen in this manner but I guess a heads up to the employees would last for all of thirty seconds so...

Of course nothing should be too terribly different on Monday.

And what does this mean for me? Well to guess I would say that I will probably have to be twice as diligent about looking for something else. If I had to predict I would say that my department will not survive the next 12 months. I'm setting a target of being gone by the end of the year. This is one that I MUST meet.

A Picture Share!

Negative Much?



This is the first of my attempts to post a picture directly from my cell. If I have the opportunity to snap anything of intrest I will be sure to add it. Of course the gym has its rules and technically so does work but who knows what I may cum across.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Harry Potter Part VI

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Not a bad little book, if I do say so myself. I can definitely see why there is such an appeal to the series. Of course it would have been nice to have started from the beginning but then I have never been one for convention. Anyway, it provided me a pleasant diversion from the real world for a time and though I fear reading out of order may have spoiled the previous books, particularlly those between the movies and here I liked it. I will in all likely hood go back toread the rest, as soon as I have the money to do it that is.

If you've not read the book yourself as they say "If you have the means, I highly recommend it."

ABC News: Delphi set to file for Ch. 11-source

So my guess of making the announcement just after the bell today was off by a few hours. We'll see. I am supposed to be going to one of their besieged plants this coming week. That ought to be fun!

More later.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Beware Internet Scams!!!

First things first. YES I haven’t been writing that much of late. Can you blame me? I haven’t had much of interest to say, preferring to focus my energies to mere survival rather than trying to be creative and add something of some value to the blog-o-sphere. There isn’t much in the way of readership for my blog as it is so the last thing I want to do is bore you. However I can appreciate the fact that should I wish to increase such a following I might need to add some relevant content on a more regular basis. I really would like to but you know me, I want it to be perfect and yet fail because it isn’t. I’m learning that if I merely try it will be better than what I would have producing otherwise. So with that…

Here is a quick update on an ongoing drama that seemed like a good thing. But like they say, “If it’s seems to good to be true, it probably is.”

I placed an add on Craig’s List to rent a room out of my house and had what sounded like an ideal roommate. “She” was purported from the Netherlands and working in the UK. We communicated a little via e-mail and seemed like a decent person. She indicated that she would be sending me the deposit for the room and additional for moving expense. Now right there I should have had all kinds of bells and whistles going of but hey, I’m a trusting kind of guy. When the deposit did arrive they were in the form of Money Orders from Wal*Mart, which further added to the puzzle because I did not expect 1.) Money orders and 2.) Wal*Mart in the UK?!?. Hey stranger things have happened, so I went with it. The next part is where I started to feel a bit funny about the whole thing but, again I went with it because if it worked out that this was just a naïve girl that thought this was the best way to do something then so be it. If not well, trust but verify. “She” – I use that because I don’t know anymore – wanted me to send on the money for her moving expenses to some guy back in the UK. This is, like I’ve said, where I really started to feel a touch uneasy. Luckily, despite her requests to expedite the money via Western Union, I did nothing or the sort and rather waited until the hold had cleared from the bank. THIS IS WERE YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION!!! Just because the hold clears doesn’t mean the money is really there, and when it turns out the money orders are counterfeit the bank will gladly withdrawal the money right back out of your account. Luckily for me I did not send the money the very instant it cleared hold, although I almost did, and I am only out time and potential revenue and not any real money. Unfortunately, I really could have used the added income but then I guess I just need to be more stringent about my spending for a bit longer.

Anyway, I am sure it is a fake address or something but should anyone want to pay one Mr. James Bosse, 5 Beaufort Street, London, England W6 3EA a visit please send him (or her) my regards. The local police were not really interested because I did not loose any money, but I did look into the FTC to try to add to the list of charges should this person ever get caught. Not a likely thing but again just in case.

So I guess that means I will have to redo my ad and be a touch more diligent when accepting offers. Look for more as I am sure the whole thing will be a bit of an adventure.

‘til then

Know that you’re loved,

D

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown