Why do I beat myself up so much? I know that I am human; I know that I make mistakes. I also know that no matter what I say or do there are times when that simply will not or cannot be enough. I am a good person. I am a loyal friend. I know my heart and do trust it, even if it means that from time to time I will be hurt. I strive to be better and try to the best of my ability to pick myself up and dust myself off when I fail. The hardest part of life is accepting those things you have absolutely NO control over. I wish at times I could just be happy, focus on the good, forgive my own mistakes and get on with things. And move on we shall.


So the White Party it is. It ought to be a great time. I love South Beach and have always enjoyed myself when down that way. I don't know what it is that gives me the ability to approach boys out 'there' that I cannot or rather dare not approach here. Maybe it is the knowledge that a relationship - which is what I ultimately want - is most likely not possible with those boys and therefore I don't stand to loose anything by approaching them. I know, I know, nothing ventured nothing gained, right?!? Well it still doesn't work for me.

I have met some really wonderful guys this summer, and I have been pushing myself to do that more. In time.

I suppose this means I need to get my butt back into the gym. I've been going on a very infrequent basis. This simply will not do. Let go!

Lazy weekend!

I've been trying to fix some issues I've been having with my computer. I don't really want to spend the money to get a new one just yet. There are so many other things that I need over what I want. (Of course I'm probably going to spend as much on this trip to Miami but that is a different story)

The computer has not been cooperating however and it has been taxing my patients. Maybe I should start looking into what I want for a new PC and plan on getting one for myself for Christmas!?!

We'll see...

We did the Detroit Guerrilla Queer Bar pub crawl. Lost of fun. Met some new guys and had a chance to hang out with some friends that I don't normally see out. It was tonnes of fun to spend time at Str8 bars with a bunch of queers. Normally I am either the token gay with my str8 friends or among a group of 3 or 4 guys. This was different. With so many guys the dynamic changes. We are comfortable to be more ourselves. I will definitely be making a repeat performance at the next night out.

'A' cooked dinner for me last night. I had a horrible day at work and actually left early. I was supposed to go to a meeting with the city in the afternoon but it was canceled. Yea me! That meant I could take a quick nap before he showed up.

Dinner was great. He went all out. I didn't have to lift a finger and he made a wonderful meal, complete with cheesecake for desert. Too much for the waistline but it was worth it.

We are thinking of going to South Beach for the White Party in November. It's the week of Thanksgiving and my birthday. I've been slacking with the gym lately I definitely have to get back there on a more regular routine. Can't be out of shape down there. It sounds weird but we have a better friendship now than ever before. I do still love him - I know I always will - but I can see where perhaps this is better.

Had drinks after the Affirmation's Board Meeting w/ P. It's interesting he is a nice guy and I can see some very genuine aspects to his personnality. Some of the people I know think a little less of him but even he admitted that to me. He sometimes comes across a little rough around the edges. We all have our awkward momments his just seem to be more noticable. I hope he can change that. If even for his sake.

A. thinks that I might be in my nesting phase. I've spent quite a bit of time working on my house. More so than in the last few months combined. I think it is fair to say that I was pleasantly distracted for the last few months and that had something to do with it. Truth be told however there is a change in the air and I have been quite occupied with many little projects around here lately. Part of it may be a discontent with how I had pushed things aside around here for far too long. Another part of it is a simple desire to keep myself distracted. Busy away from the problems of the outside world. Not so much from my current relationship situation, or lack there of - although that is certainly part of it - but rather a general desire to withdraw. More than a few people I know have expressed the same feeling. It goes something like this: Even though "we" have made great strides in the area of gay rights in the last few months the sense is there is a coming storm of backlash. That bad things must now follow the good. The economy is bad. The government, more expressly the White House, is doing more harm than good, and is playing on our most basic fears more so than even the media. There is a feeling of great negativity. That soon something truly bad is going to happen and yet we will not be prepared for this. I generally have tried to maintain a positive outlook on things and know that progress is slow and there is a natural ebb and flow to things, my only hope it that we are on the right side of the tide. I hope...

Crazy busy weekend. Which should have meant plenty to write about, only there has been no time to do so. Where to start...

Friday: My kitchen is now a striking yellow. Bumblebee on the bottom, a lighter Translucent Cream on top. I don't know what came over me. I've wanted to paint it for some time but haven't. I came home Friday evening and just decided that now was the time. I've almost finished. I was up until 2 AM Saturday morning and back at it by 8 o'clock. I need to decide what color the trim should be. I'm thinking burgundy?!?

Saturday: Continued on the kitchen. Took a break to work with my sister on the up-stairs renovations. Mudding in drywall is work. If for no other reason than I want it to be perfect I'm taking way more time than one should on this. I hope to finish before winter...

Went out for drinks Saturday night. Again didn't really intend to stay as long as I did. I had wanted to merely put in an appearance and head back home to keep the momentum on the kitchen going. We were having a good time though and headed to the MB. I met a cute guy there. He actually came up to me - a rare event - and we talked/flirted for some time. Only what trouble is I apparently gave the wrong signals and they left when I walked away for a moment to talk to another friend. I don't know why I didn't make my interest more apparent but I didn't. So be it.

Sunday: 7 AM get up for the AIDS Walk Opening Ceremony... OK 7:30 get up for the AIDS Walk Opening Ceremony. What did I drink last night. I think the $3 Long Islands at the MB were a bad idea. Especially after three Guinness. Oops! Home by 11:30. Crash on the couch until 2 then back to it in the kitchen. I finished everything but the trim and decided to hit the bathroom next. Bright clean white, very nice.

All in all not a bad weekend given everything as a whole. Need to wrap up my projects and move on to the next. I'd really like to get the entire house a nice coat of paint. That will keep me occupied.

Movies that bad should be a crime.

I've forgotten how tedious Campaign Finance Statements can be. The pre-election filling date is just around the corner so I've been trying to round up all of the paperwork to file on time. This is only for a City Commissioner race. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be to file at the federal level. What fun.

I'm heading out to the movies tonight to see 'O Fantasma' at the Main Art Theater with S. and his trick-du-jour. From what I've read I don't know why I'm going, but I've been surprised before.

I'm sure he'll try and talk me into "Q" tonight. We'll see...

One month down. Not so bad. I've manage to hold myself together and not go completely wacko. Actually I think I am doing extraordinarily well. Serenely calm as I once described it. It helps that I have been very busy and I have managed to keep myself distracted but I know I am doing well and I am glad for it. We remain fiends and that makes me happy. Now on to Mr. Right...

Dawdling around on the internet I ran across a quote that I'd read before, which has a quote that I'd heard before in it, which is part of a quote that I've read before, which is what I long ago realized my life is.

Happiness is a journey

Crystal Boyd
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said,

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my 'life.'"

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey not a destination.

Work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt,
and dance like no one's watching.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Live and savor every moment...
this is not a dress rehearsal!

I remember I knew I was gay when I was 11 years old. It wasn't something I totally accepted but rather hoped I could be in control of. When I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't still I did not come Out. Rather I put my nose to the grindstone and finished a five-year degree in four years. Then I moved home. I certainly didn't want to come out then but I had to many, yet my parents didn't know. I moved out and bought a house and still I didn't come out. Sometime down the road I realized that I wouldn't be able to hide it from them forever and at the same time my happiness was not connected to their acceptance.

I believe we all go through a process where we put up challenges to ourselves and say "There, right there over the horizon is your happiness." The lucky among us realize the journey is the reward and that we are is total control of our happiness. I am grateful every day that I have learned this.

100 things about me

1. I was born in Detroit, Michigan on November 24, 1974
2. My ancestor Charles Chene dit Caoussa was born in Detroit on November 05, 1732. Chene Park in Detroit gets its name from his family line.
3. I was born 1-month premature and weighed only 3lbs 5oz.
4. I have a twin brother but we are total opposites.
5. I applied to only one college.
6. I received my acceptance letter from MSU on November 14, 1991 - Prince Charles' Birthday.
7. My favorite dessert is Tiramisu.
8. I once drank a pint of Bacardi 151 Rum in one night.
9. I bought my house in Royal Oak on November 23, 1998.
10. The first time I got drunk was when I was 15.
11. I knew I was gay when I was 11.
12. I grew up in Howell, Michigan.
13. I never had a girl friend.
14. I've owned five cars, all Chrysler Corporation vehicles.
15. My first job was at a golf course.
16. The name of my last cat was "cat".
17. I'm Irish, French Canadian, German and English.
18. I started college as a sophomore.
19. I never cried at my grandfather's funeral.
20. My first boyfriend was 4 years older than me, his birthday was November 17,1970.
21. I've never cheated on a boyfriend.
22. I lied to my mother when she asked if my sister was gay.
23. I was stunned when my sister told me.
24. I've had my left nipple pierced twice.
25. The first time I fooled around with a boy I was 14.
26. He is married with kids now.
27. I've been to Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Missouri, West Virginia, Maryland, Virginia, Washington DC, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, Arizona, Nevada and California. Oh yeah and Michigan, too.
28. I've traveled to five different countries.
29. My best friend now lives in Washington DC.
30. The largest impulse buy I've ever made was a $30,000 car.
31. I'm still making payments.
32. I watched Romeo and Juliet the movie by myself on November 1, 1996 - I cried.
33. My co-worker Verb died that morning.
34. My nephew Alex was born three years later.
35. I have a scar in the back of my head from a water-skiing accident.
36. I needed 20 staples and two stitches to close the wound.
37. I fear seaweed.
38. I love heights.
39. I've skinny dipped in the Atlantic and the Pacific.
40. I once ran for city commission - I lost on November 06, 2001.
41. I'm glad I did.
42. My biggest fear is that I will never have real long term relationship.
43. My voter registration identifies me as a Republican.
44. I'm a member of the Democratic National Committee.
45. I've had a crush on my boss before.
46. I prefer Guinness to Murphy's.
47. I know I have a hard time letting go.
48. I've been to Province Town.
49. I've worn day-glo orange/glow-in-the-dark nail polish.
50. I honor my commitments even if I don't always want to.
51. I've been read my rights once.
52. My brother outed me before I told him.
53. I never voted for President Clinton.
54. I've broken up with three separate boyfriends in November.
55. I never came out to my aunt, but wish I had.
56. I didn't go to either of my brother's bachelor parties. I was out of the state both times.
57. I ran track and cross-country in high school. My fastest mile was 4:43
58. I've been in love with five different guys.
59. My favorite color is purple (really, any shade will qualify).
60. I cried when I had to leave Paris.
61. I worry my parents don't know how much I admire them.
62. I do own a bible.
63. I want to become a better photographer.
64. I enjoy working out at the gym.
65. I once wore a Hawaiian grass skirt without anything else on.
66. I want to go to Ireland for my honeymoon or nearest gay equivalent.
67. I've forgotten much of the chemistry I learned in college but remember most of the French I learned in high school.
68. My hair was bleached white for my trip to South Beach.
69. I own six pair of Kenneth Cole shoes.
70. My favorite wine is Franz Haas "Kris" Pinot Grigio.
71. I cut the tip of my thumb with a broken beer bottle and needed a skin graft to fix it.
72. My greatest joy is to wake up in the arms of the man I love.
73. My family first came to Quebec in 1658.
74. The first time I went to Quebec was in 2003.
75. I've always wanted to run a marathon.
76. I can read Japanese Hiragana and Katakana, but I don't always know what I'm saying.
77. I once told a security guard off, in Spanish, in Mexico.
78. I've served as campaign treasurer for four separate candidates.
79. I can still fit into pants I had in high school.
80. I came out to my parents in a letter.
81. I wrote the letter three years before I mailed it.
82. I wear briefs.
83. My great-grandmother was from County Cork in Ireland.
84. My beard grows in red.
85. I was once caught looking at gay porn by my college roommate.
86. I've been told I look like David Hyde Pierce from "Fraser".
87. I was in the back seat of my parent's car at an Exxon Station in Ohio when they announced Rock Hudson had died. It was 1983. I was 8.
88. My coworkers found out that I was gay when my picture was on the front page of the Detroit Free Press.
89. I've yet to figure out what it is that attracts me to guys that are emotionally unavailable.
90. My favorite holidays are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day.
91. I broke off many of my relationships with my str8 friends in college after I came out, even though I know in retrospect they probably knew and wouldn't have cared.
92. I don't like Christmas, because I never know what to get anyone. I don't want to buy them just anything and think giving a gift certificate is even less personal. I think that is because I'm so particular in what I like. And my grandmother died the day after Christmas, when I was 8.
93. I sometimes do things for the simple shock value.
94. I've never been in a fight.
95. I could build my car from its individual pieces, just as long as the engine was already put together.
96. If I could live anywhere it would probably be Paris.
97. I sometimes want people to like me even though there is no real reason for me to want to like the other person.
98. I want everything I do to be perfect, but do so many things that I realize it is an impossible goal.
99. I've wanted to get a tattoo but will probably never do it.
100. I don't tell my friends how much I love and respect them enough.

The Good Life

Calling it an early evening, OK sort of. Given the last few nights have all seen the wrong side of midnight tonight will be early.

I had dinner with some coworkers from my plant in Mexico. They were tired of the same old, same old and asked if I would show them around Detroit. We could have kept it to Royal Oak and had a great time. I wasn't in the mood for Pronto (I rarely am though and really I wanted a meal.) and I knew my upper management was doing an "off-site" meeting at Mr.' B's so I avoided Main Street. We could have done the cliché thing and gone to dinner at Xochimilco's but it didn't seem like they were too keen on that. I decided on La Dolce Vita. It's total gay friendly. Sometimes more gay than others, tonight was one of those others, oh well. Which I suppose is OK. Vanessa and I are very good friends and Monika is a total flirt. They don't know about me, or at least they have never let on, so this way we can continue our working relationship as is. Monika loves teaching me new words, none of which will ever be useful out side of a bar, nevertheless. Victor, the CMM room guy, is quite. His English isn't as good as the girls but he gets it. I felt obligated to point out the strip clubs along 8 Mile Rd , but then felt guilty because I was getting the sense that he wanted to go to one but wasn't going to ask. Just as well, I've been to too many already in my life.

Checklist for this weekend:
1. Clean house
2. Work on upstairs renovation
3. Birthday present for Zakkery and Wesley
4. Workout at gym
5. RELAX

Never forget

Sad day... Even the weather was glum this morning.

Someone remind me again, why do I pay for DSL?!? I'm sure it is faster than dial up but sometimes I could send things fast by regular mail. Frustrating.

It was a long one today, it was. I had to make a run for the border this afternoon to Windsor, ON. Oh sure crossing the bridge midday can be bad any time. Add that tomorrow is 9/11. Nightmare!

So I'm driving down I-75 getting closer to the exit and I cannot figure out why all these semis are stopped in the right lane... Duh! I figured it was faster to cross at the tunnel, which it was, only now I have to find my way to a place that I only know how to get to from the bridge. Mind you it wasn't that difficult and I'm much better than most but still.

I spent a few hours reviewing schematics with my tooling engineer to try and see if even some of the hair-brained changes that “the customer” is asking for is even feasible.

I love that word; feasible: fea·si·ble ('fE-z&-b&l) - adjective capable of being done or carried out

So my job today was to determine if the changes were feasible. Hell, I could have told you they were without driving to Windsor. Oh you don't want to spend $200,000? Well that's different. Why didn't you mention that?!? Well then maybe it isn't feasible. Give me something here boys and girls what is it that you want? Sometimes I just want to clunk their heads together.

There used to be a time when I loved my job. People would ask me what I do and I would light up and ramble on for sometime. I used to get to work at 6:30 and leave at 5:00. Now if I make it in by 8 o'clock its a small victory. I know that I have to accept that other's make the decisions and that my job is to merely care out those decisions, for the most part but I mean really! I've got the itch again. Maybe it is time to start thinking about a change...

Boy sometime I wonder if I'm living life or if it's the other way around. I headed out to the MB last night after a meeting at Affirmations. I was going to stop for a quick minute to schedule an event there and then jet. Well Bill the owner wasn't there, but would be back "soon". Two hours later he shows up. By then I figure the "Hot Bootie" Contest is any minute so why not stick around. Besides some friends had shown up, so I wasn't alone. Not a bad way to mix business with pleasure but still. I'm spent today, and I have another meeting tonight. Hopefully it will be short.

More later...

What a weekend! I didn't get a thing done that I wanted to and spent most of the time at the bar. Pronto to be exact. I haven’t been there in months then I practically lived there last weekend. Even going there I never meant to stay as long as I did. “One drink and then off to mow the lawn and call it an early evening.” The next thing I know it’s one in the morning. It was good though. I ran into friends that I have not seen in quite sometime so it was nice to catch up.

Saturday was more of the same. I met my sister and her girlfriend at Pronto, this time for dinner. Again with no intention to stay long, not even to have drinks. A couple of friends were there when I showed up and we stayed to have a drink after dinner. I had a really good time and met some great people that night. Had a heart-to-heart talk with one friend, it was definitely needed. I need to learn to be quite and let the other person talk some times though. We need to finish that talk.

Went to the Eagle later and had some fun. Not my normal bar but I always have a good time when I’m there. And sometimes after I was there…

I completely forgot about plans I had made for Sunday – brunch and an art fair. Never did mow the lawn and spent the remainder of the weekend on the couch nursing a hangover. I’m making up for it today but still…

I have meetings every night this week. I’m going to be so stressed by then end. This weekend needs to be more low-key. Here’s hoping.

Paris

I want to go back...

Did not get much sleep last night. Stared at the ceiling for quite some time. Ugh. Still I plan on going to the gym tonight. A good workout and a nice long run sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I have to go out tonight. More out of duty than desire. It could be fun, I’ve not been to Menjo’s in several months. Still I don’t think that I will stay long. Famous last words…

Trying to raise money for Affirmations but it is harder than you would think. I’m never a big fan of asking for money and it wears when you have to do it several times a year. It is for a good cause, Affirmations is a great organization. I certainly benefited from my experiences there and feel that I need to give back. It would be easier if everyone felt the way I do.

Trying to do the same with Steppin’ OUT and the AIDS Walk Detroit event. The walk is in two weeks and I do not have half the volunteers and donations I’ve had in years past. Times are tough to be certain. I only hope to come through in the end.

Should I really be awake at this hour? My mind is going a mile a minute but the thoughts are so broken nothing constructive is formed. Imagine if we could harness our thought power to solve all the problems of this world? We’re human though so I’m sure even if we could we would give ourselves an entirely new set in the process.

So I still don’t know what if anything I want to do with this site. My impulse says that it will find itself. In part I want to share the trip with you. Part of me wants to have this documented for my own record. We’ll see where it goes.

I hope to get some sleep tonight. I’d really like to make it to the gym tomorrow. It's been a while. Although I am still in decent shape I can tell and it bothers me. It's my fault though I've taken on too much once again and I am simply overloaded. It is times like these where it is more important than ever for me to get a go workout in. Like "A" always told me "you need to just relax." In time I'm sure...

I’ve started putting together a list of things that I want to do all the while forgetting that I have a completely different list of things that I either have to do or at the very least said I would. No more commitments to others for a time. I need to take care of me for a bit and get my house back in order. (Figuratively and literally). It is going to take some time however, I only hope I’m patient enough to remember that. It never has been one of my stronger traits. My lack of patience is partially why I find myself in my present situation. Not that I can do anything about that now, nevertheless…

OK so I’m just bored and rambling now. Hoping that sleep will come my way soon. Perhaps I’ll finish the latest E. Lynn Harris book I bought, it has been collecting dust for the past few months. Yet another personal commitment that took a back seat to accommodate another. Enough…

Until later.

Know that you’re loved

He loves me...

…He loves me not…

OK let's start over...

There were some other posts here and others that could have been published but never were. And now never will be. It's better that way. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that is just who I am, but I have to guard myself sometimes when I can. Which is why you will not get to see the past. Like I said, it’s better that way.

So I find myself back at the beginning again. Or rather a fork in the road on a continuing journey. Only I hadn’t planned on there being one here at this present moment. The good thing is I know I can change my course and again have many options in front of me, with many more forks to come for sure. Only this time I remember they are out there. Maybe I will chart my own path. Venture off and do things just for me. It’s been a while since I’ve been totally random and unpredictable. Oh the options. No need for a rearview mirror on this trip.

That’s not to say there isn’t hurt. That is there to be certain. Like they say though, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

i beg you... have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer...

rainer maria rilke