Since I'm in a letting go kind of a mind there are some other items in my personal inventory that I would like to get rid of. This may be a touch unconventional, or not, but writing has always been my thing so here goes. Fuck You. You want me to be happy? Fuck you. You love me? Fuck you, you lying shithead. I was happy. I was in the best place I had ever been, I was finally pushing through some of my greatest insecurities stepping further out onto the limb than I had ever done before and for that I got you. You were keenly aware of my precarious situation and instead of assisting you shook the tree. Of course not before you got what you needed but then that's always been part of your nature too hasn't it? Well thanks and fuck you. I loved you. I still do. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. When I think about the good times I smile. When I think about the bad times I don't think about the shitty things you did, how you messed with my mind, lied to me and played on my weaknesses. I don't reflect on how I knew long before the end how this would finish. I only remember how I got played for the fool. I do remember how every instinct in my being told me you were the one and how it made my heart flutter and my skin tingle. I remember I was wrong.
So what comes of it? I don't trust. I don't trust you, others or myself. I don't believe in others. Everyone have ulterior motives. Everyone are selfish. I won't make those mistakes again, I'll guarantee you that. Thanks. You made me stronger!?! Fuck you.
Why now you may ask. Maybe because I have recognized that I have not completely let go; because I've realized that I still carry a lot of shit around with me and I want to check that bag. I have thought that this was over but every time I see something that reminds me of you the first thing that strikes me is how even when you were 'here' you were somewhere else. My heart drops and my stomache flips. Maybe because I know I need to be able to move on and when the Right guy comes around I want to be ready for him. I don't want to miss out on one more thing because of how you affect me.
It is going to take a long time to get my trust back. I just hope that I do.
I'll admit and you know that I too bare some responsibility, but I do not and will not shoulder the full burden. I'm doing what I can and I'll move on. My life will someday be everything that I've imagined and more, then you will have lost out. We could have had a life together it's too bad we'll never know what could have been.
Wow that feels better... I'm not angry, just a little sad. This too shall pass.
I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually,
without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke
until then, know that you're loved,
D
"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown
No comments:
Post a Comment