I had a dream

As many of my dreams of late this one was a bit odd. I was house sitting for a friend and her parents. A* visited with Rich and Jimmy. It seemed I knew in my dream that A* and I were no longer together. That is itself a bit different from normal, at least insofar as I can recall, in that most of my dreams lately have been A* and I together, some quite erotic... this was not one of those dreams.

I don't quite know what to make of the dream. I know that I have thought a bit about where A* lives now and if he is with anyone. Not that it should be any of my concern if he is or not but nevertheless I wonder. I think how much easier it could be with someone in my life and how in so many ways he fit that. Albeit unwilling to play his part from times and I guess that is what I need to resolve. I seem to have an idealized view of who he and we were.

I miss the simple comfort he provided me, the person to cuddle up to at night, the calming force when things seemed rough. In the ways that a long term partner, a husband if you will, he would have been the ideal. It is in the short term that we did not mesh, and I struggle to understand why. I am not the type of person to simply say well it doesn't work, let's throw it away and find a new one. No, I need to see what I can do to fix it. I'm an engineer. I cannot give up and I think that is what I perhaps need to do.

So many things are hard for me right now. I do not know if I am going to have a job in a month. I do not know if I will be able to pay some of my bills even with the job I have. I have other struggles that I will have to continue to work to overcome. I could drop my desire to be with A* or anyone else right now and focus my energies on improving myself and my situation however I seem to feel that would we return to the life we were sharing many of those other struggles would subside. Not go away mind you but be made less.

I seem to be stuck in this limbo where I almost reach the acceptance that we will not be together and then revert to the feeling that I have returned to so many times before. That all of my instincts tell me he is the one. Time will tell who wins, though I think we all know where the odds fall.